I know you are hurting. This sucks, pure and simple.
The fact is, there are people on these forums (Hope4Us comes to mind) who took an INCREDIBLY patient, softer stance (altho even HE coupled it with aggressive exposure; it's really only the LENGTH of his patience that was remarkable), and it worked.
And there are DOZENS who have done that, and it hasn't.
And there are people who take the strong stance, and it works (Coach, me, for just two examples).
And yet there are plenty who tried that and ultimately, it hasn't, because at the end of the day it's still the walkaway spouse's choice as to what they want to do.
There is no ONE WAY. But I also believe, in my heart of hearts, that even if you make a HORRIBLE MISTAKE, and choose the wrong way? But you are basically loving and genuine, and still authentically "you" as you do so? And you treat your WAS with respect and courtesy?
I believe that it really doesn't make a difference, one way or another, and that if you two were MEANT TO BE, as a couple, and if she GENUINELY LOVED YOU, and would RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES . . . that you can't screw it up.
I believe that, I really do. I believe that had she really been sincere that she wanted to make this work, then NEITHER way -- the "tough love" or the "softer stance" -- would have blown your chances out of the water.
See, the dirty little secret here is, all we really do around here is play the percentages. Try to help people maximize their chances for success. And after studying literally THOUSANDS of affairs the past six years, my experience has been that "tough love" -- aggressive confrontation and exposure, maximum strength legal stance -- coupled with civility, truthfulness, character and loving detachment . . . is 10x more effective than the "Little Bo-Peep" method (you know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them"), and 20x more effective than the "try to be their best friend, and 'win them over' method."
You did your best. Hold your head up. And it ain't necessarily over, either.
