What am I supposed to do, exactly? If I turn on my heel, metaphorically speaking, and stomp off, how is that any different from a riposte? I can tell her, "Don't ever say anything like that to me again!" And I can also tell the sun not to rise. The way I see it, if I want to hurt someone and they parry and riposte, I haven't achieved my goal -- whereas if they get all defensive, petulant even, then I know I've hit a sore spot.
What am I supposed to do, exactly? If I turn on my heel, metaphorically speaking, and stomp off, how is that any different from a riposte? I can tell her, "Don't ever say anything like that to me again!" And I can also tell the sun not to rise. The way I see it, if I want to hurt someone and they parry and riposte, I haven't achieved my goal -- whereas if they get all defensive, petulant even, then I know I've hit a sore spot.
No?
it doesn't matter how she feels about your boundaries. the difference between a effective boundary and a riposte is when you strike back the fight is still on. with the boundary you end the fight when the line is crossed.
"The next time you bring up your sex life with me, I will end the conversation."
her behavior = consequence
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I could be all wrong here but IMO hitting a sore spot simply "one ups" the hitting ya'll do to one another.
It does not seem like there is much boundary setting. And I don't think anybody ever said to turn away and stomp off. Tell your W what is acceptable in a very clear and PLAIN fashion. She will either decide to honor what you are saying or stomp away. Either way it will be better for you.
It kind of seems you and your W thrive on this dynamic you have going on. Who can come up with the greater comeback or who can say something more outrageous. And really that all comes back to a terrific power struggle between the two of you. When you are so deep in a power struggle with your spouse it becomes the ONLY way to relate to them. While it is very unhealthy, to the two involved, it feels normal.
Smiley, STBXMRSSP is getting on my nerves... sometimes aggression only understands aggression. Take these suggestions with a pinch of vinegar (yeah, yeah, yeah, I know... but salt doesn't seem to be working... so I'll do a 180 here)
For email:
Whip out that fancy digital camera of yours and take a picture of your hand with your middle finger extended. Every time she emails you one of her tirades reply with the picture. A picture is worth a thousand words right? Well... you could add a choice caption to it like this one: "talk to the hand it's the only one prepared to listen"
For phone calls:
Hang up! Don't say a word... just freakin' hang up.
For texts:
Reply with: "Wan + Juan = None" ... or another completely senseless message.... who cares she isn't making sense anyhoo.
For F2F:
Extend your hand in the "STOP" position. Twist your wrist and extend middle finger. Then walk away.
The only response to insanity is either equal insanity or silence....
Oh, well... I depart and take my childish ways with me...
Your life has no value to her whatsoever at this point, you have to see that, she is an alien, a shell, she looks similar to the person you were married to but she isn't that lady anymore and that's a good thing at this point, it should finally get your brain in gear and realize that this woman doesn't care how any of this affects you, hurts you and will use you as much as you let her and you're letting her do that quite a bit.
Dead pair! Good shooting, robx.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I don't post much on db anymore but I stop by this thread to check the news. It's like a bad car accident; I don't want to see it but I look anyway.
Your previous marriage difficulties are going to look like a holiday in Tahiti compared to the WWIII you (plural) are creating in this divorce if you (plural) continue this fighting. Seriously, why do you (SP) give a sh-- what she says or thinks anymore? Why? Turn around and walk away from this crap. Spend the rest of your days with people who value you.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Look at the big picture. Divorce is emotionally and financially devastating. It's a lose/lose but a reality.
If you want to teach your kids how to maintain a toxic relationship, keep doing what you're doing with their mom.
If you want to get healthy, maintain your boundaries. Her personal life is none of your business nor should it be of any interest.
No need to be perfect. No need to be a victim. It is what it is.
Get out of the clouds, put your feet on the ground, accept the reality of what 'is'. If you can't let her go, tell her.. "I'm so enmeshed with you I'm only complete when I can insult you."
She's the monkey. On your back. Or do you take turns being the organ grinder?
