Kevin - do you think somebody knocked on my door one day and said to me "hey CityGirl, I hear you need a new life and I just happen to be giving those out today. Her ya go!"?
No.
I had to fight and claw to get the life I have now. And to be blunt I had lots more obstacles than you. Two years ago I was in such a state of shock, panic, pain and distress I sometimes spent up to 12 hours a day pacing around my apartment trying to "outsmart" a day long panic attack. In fact, I never even left my house because I developed a fear of being outside my house I was in such a state of panic. In turn my lupus went wild, I lost almost ALL my hair, I lost so much weight I was under 100 pounds, I almost lost my business and things were just a disaster.
In short, I was a total hot mess.
Like you I tried to find some loophole to get things straightened out so I didn't have to do any real work. Like you, I never found that loophole. So I just had to suck it up, make some awfully hard choices, set some terrifying boundaries and get to work on ME. I did that alone (I had the support of family and friends of course) but I did it ALONE and did not have another R.
I have posted this many times and now Drew just said the same thing. You are damaging your children further by constantly creating this illusion of a happy family. Why are you willing to damage your children in the name of seeing what MIGHT happen with your W? Why?
I don't doubt for a second that is what they want but as we all know we can't always get what we want.
You have posted many times what a problem it is that your children forget things at your house or your W's house. Yes, I am sure it does suck getting carted back and forth to two homes but they have been at this long enough where this MUST STOP. It is putting extra strain on you and your children. Sit the down before it happens again WITH them and tell them you understand it is difficult to have two homes (validation) but right now it is how it is and quite simply they will need to make the best of it. Let them know there will be no more stops at Mom's to pick up forgotten items and in the future they will simply have to go without. To ensure they NEVER have to go without make them a checklist and post it somewhere so they can BE CERTAIN they are not forgetting anything when they depart your home for the week.
As far as your kids telling you they don't like your apartment. Well, when exactly are you going to start commanding respect from SOMEBODY? Again, validate their feelings but also let them know this is YOUR HOME and it is disrespectful for them to complain they don't like it.
With all due respect it sounds to me as if you are raising two daughters that will turn out to be just like your W. There is a reason your kids pitch fits, get their way on family time even though the family is no longer in tact and forget things and keep on doing it even though it causes stress... because you allow it and they never have consequences just like your W never does.
Growing up my sister and I thought my mom was AWFUL. We thought she was so mean and strict because when my mother said something she was NOT fooling around. We tested her at every turn and she never backed down. EVER. Your kids disrespect and test you and you let them. Not a good message if you want to be more than the "good guy".
I can't even comment on all the church stuff because again, IMO it seems you are looking for something that can stop this divorce train. At this point it doesn't really matter if your marriage was valid in the eyes of the church because your marriage is over. There is not one court in this fine country we live in that would put religious "laws" over the legalities. I had two documents to give my attny - one was my marriage license from NY state and the other was the "church license". He only wanted/needed the one from NY State. In the eyes of the law a church license means jack. It doesn't mean it isn't important but as far as the law goes it's irrelevant. So when your W divorces you don't spend 16 months looking into what the church thinks because even if the marriage wasn't valid in the church's eyes the law won't care. And what will you do? Spend 16 months investigating this matter to simply prove a point to your W that she had no "right" to divorce you because the church thinks otherwise? Do you think she will care 16 months after the fact? She doesn't even care now!
I am sad for you because you seem so very sad. Your posts just drip with sadness and despair. And that does make me sad for you. Sorry if you don't like it but it does. I have sat here and cried at my desk reading your posts because they *are* sad.
