Thanks guys, Kat, she is OK. She really hurt her face, all of it!! Dont know how she did it, she must have been walking with her hands in her pockets Nose, teeth, lips,forhead, everything looks...interesting now.
I've been on a down spiral. It has nothing to do with him. This task of Reconcil. seems HUGE and impossible. "Too much damage done" comes to my head often.
Dont know which issues to adress first. When I try to list them in my head, 90% of them are MINE. They are all important and affect me deeply on various levels. And I am glad I am in the position to identify them which is a huge progress since 3 years ago, but I feel inadequate to "solve" them.
I am trying hard to not lose what's left of my self confidence. Of my "core Maria", I feel like I am in a middle of a storm and I need to hold on to something to go through it. And I KNOW that something can only be me, but I guess my growth wasnt so successful since I get sidetracked easily by my own thoughts of despair and disapointment.
My self esteem suffers, my mood is changing every day,I have gained weight the last week or so, my concetration at work sucks.
Tonight I finished the 3rd book of the 3 I received yesterday.The Monogamy Myth translated, Mars and Venus in love, both in Greek and another one addressed to councelors (didnt go thru all of it but most of it) of a guy called Dattilo or something similar. I keep looking for something NEW to stick out to use. Hard work, patience, TIME (meaning years)is what the doc precribes for surviving affairs. I dont have the mood or the strength to work any harder, I dont have the damn patience anymore (I guess I am banned from my own thread now) and TIME turns out to be my enemy, not friend.
I maybe coming out with my anger and starting to FEEL everything again while I was in a state of disbelief? I dont know. I read this may be the stage of accepting what happened. Not dwelling about it. Just accepting it. To be honest, I think I am now faced with the wreck of our R. Trying to put the pieces back together, I see that nothing is left standing.It's overwhelming. Or it's me and drama queen habits...
The only way I can handle my thoughts is by trying to focus on the day by controlling my emotions and jerk reactions to them. It's all internal which makes it exhausting. But I need to figure out "controlling AND dealing" with them. Not just pushing them to the back. I need to start "closing some circles" damn it!
Comfortably unhappy is the only future I can see for us today. I know my vision is influenced by my mood but it saddens me. My kids and their feelings have me trapped to a situation that is fight-fight-fight and I am just tired.
H said he doenst accept "giving up cause we havent used all our strength". I, on the other hand, days like these, feel I have nothing left inside. K
PS Do not be alarmed. I am grateful I can still think straight (almost) after what's going on in my heart and head. It's a process. A looooooong process. I am in a weird mood again. That's all. I wish the destination looked more inviting.
John, where the heck are my VS stuff. I needed some shopping therapy today!!
Nose, teeth, lips,forhead, everything looks...interesting now.
