I'd like to tell you this. Appreciate that he WILL sit and talk, and hash this stuff out with you. Sounds like a lot of talking... and, that relates to a lot of pain.
You sure are becoming quite the leader in the family!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Just my opinion, but you are beating a dead horse and will get no where by continually trying to talk about the past with him. You each have your own interpretation. If'n I put myself in his shoes, I really cant make any forward progress towards rekindling deep feelings for you if you keep bringing up our past failures.
The two of you need to focus more on the present and future. Remember, MWD's philosophy is solution oriented brief therapy. It does not dig up the past too much to solve problems going forward. You both need to be thinking of radical new ways to enhance your lives together now and into the future.
Do I need to quote my favorite therapist, John Wayne? Well missy, I sure do think'n it be good to bring that up bout now...
Quote:
Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday.
Quote:
Talk low, talk slow and don't say too much
Quote:
If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Quote:
Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway
I agree with Kerry... at some point, you might be able to examine the past, but right now, it's more important to be in the present. As though he was a person you had just met, rather than an returning H. Analyzing the past is going to leave you stuck in the past, I think.
I know, it's much easier said than done! But if you are going to succeed I think you want to try to look at the past as "history". It can't be changed, and doesn't have to control what happens in the present, or the future.
Just checking in. I think the guys are right. I too seem to look at the past a lot but lately it is becoming more of a blur. What matters is now and going forward.
Hope your baby is okay. Usually they seem more scared than hurt but either way...
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks guys, Kat, she is OK. She really hurt her face, all of it!! Dont know how she did it, she must have been walking with her hands in her pockets Nose, teeth, lips,forhead, everything looks...interesting now.
I've been on a down spiral. It has nothing to do with him. This task of Reconcil. seems HUGE and impossible. "Too much damage done" comes to my head often.
Dont know which issues to adress first. When I try to list them in my head, 90% of them are MINE. They are all important and affect me deeply on various levels. And I am glad I am in the position to identify them which is a huge progress since 3 years ago, but I feel inadequate to "solve" them.
I am trying hard to not lose what's left of my self confidence. Of my "core Maria", I feel like I am in a middle of a storm and I need to hold on to something to go through it. And I KNOW that something can only be me, but I guess my growth wasnt so successful since I get sidetracked easily by my own thoughts of despair and disapointment.
My self esteem suffers, my mood is changing every day,I have gained weight the last week or so, my concetration at work sucks.
Tonight I finished the 3rd book of the 3 I received yesterday.The Monogamy Myth translated, Mars and Venus in love, both in Greek and another one addressed to councelors (didnt go thru all of it but most of it) of a guy called Dattilo or something similar. I keep looking for something NEW to stick out to use. Hard work, patience, TIME (meaning years)is what the doc precribes for surviving affairs. I dont have the mood or the strength to work any harder, I dont have the damn patience anymore (I guess I am banned from my own thread now) and TIME turns out to be my enemy, not friend.
I maybe coming out with my anger and starting to FEEL everything again while I was in a state of disbelief? I dont know. I read this may be the stage of accepting what happened. Not dwelling about it. Just accepting it. To be honest, I think I am now faced with the wreck of our R. Trying to put the pieces back together, I see that nothing is left standing.It's overwhelming. Or it's me and drama queen habits...
The only way I can handle my thoughts is by trying to focus on the day by controlling my emotions and jerk reactions to them. It's all internal which makes it exhausting. But I need to figure out "controlling AND dealing" with them. Not just pushing them to the back. I need to start "closing some circles" damn it!
Comfortably unhappy is the only future I can see for us today. I know my vision is influenced by my mood but it saddens me. My kids and their feelings have me trapped to a situation that is fight-fight-fight and I am just tired.
H said he doenst accept "giving up cause we havent used all our strength". I, on the other hand, days like these, feel I have nothing left inside. K
PS Do not be alarmed. I am grateful I can still think straight (almost) after what's going on in my heart and head. It's a process. A looooooong process. I am in a weird mood again. That's all. I wish the destination looked more inviting.
John, where the heck are my VS stuff. I needed some shopping therapy today!!
Ali, what the heck does it mean? Play it as loyal friendship? With H? We are only friends right now... So, the eclipse brings nothing for me again, huh? ........................
So we did talk on the eclipse. And he saw I am struggling. His suggestion was to relax. Ok, thanks!!
I was in a really bad mood. I mean crying and all. He says I am focusing on the past too much. I talked to him about the present. How the present makes me miserable. Being with a man buddies, not trusting him and getting no help from him to eventually trust him. He said the way he sees it, we are 20km apart, distance that came bewteen us the last 3 years and we are getting closer slowly. He said he knows I am stressed and tries to help out by calling me during the day, hurrying up at work to be home as early as possible. He said, he will do as I ask regarding the passwords, emails etc. He said he stopped earsing messages and that I can look at his cell phone whenever I like.
He also told me the couple of friends that dont talk to me for their own reasons, have met her. That really hurt. He said they met for drinks and dinner once with a big group of people.
I dont think he can do anything for me. I just dont think I can do it. He told me to get help, travel, leave, take time off, do anything I want just to get some rest and relax. I think I want ADs. Last night I wanted to die. In some form, just to quiet the pain and thoughts.
I cant get the lies and deceit out of my head. I cant get the visions of them two,doing simple things like going to the movies, going to dinner, sleeping together and him coming over denying anyone was in his life.
How do you piece the damn thing together?????????????????? K
Nose, teeth, lips,forhead, everything looks...interesting now.