Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Lost - I think you nailed it! My job isn't secret squirrel, though I got a laugh out of that, but if I gave a few details and the right (or wrong) person happened to read it, it would take that person a matter of seconds to figure out who me and my W were. It's a unique work situation with a husband/wife "team" (in quotes since the "team" part is on life support these days) we have with the work.

But you nailed it...I was coming to that conclusion this morning driving...it is a combination of not being able to reliably plan for the future, having no control whatsoever with wayward spouse, and lastly, never knowing if a thing she says or does is the truth or part of some larger plot/cover-up. I don't even know how to start looking at houses to rent (originally thinking buy but that probably not smartest with this family situation) for the move this summer.

Please do share more insight if you have any on the grass is much greener over here approach. Right now, the other approach hasn't done anything that I can see except drive them deeper undercover and cause me more angst.

I did in subtle ways stop covering for her at work. had about 3 people ask how she was doing and what she was doing. I answered she made it, she was tired, I talked to her for 2 minutes, so i don't know much more. Not sure if that made me feel good or bad and not sure if I'm going to tell her people are asking.

Copy on the kids - I like that - let her learn from her mistakes. I unforunately did tell her last night in our 2 minutes of talking that older D wasn't dealing well with the trip.

[Coach]

Lost - I think you nailed it! My job isn't secret squirrel, though I got a laugh out of that, but if I gave a few details and the right (or wrong) person happened to read it, it would take that person a matter of seconds to figure out who me and my W were. It's a unique work situation with a husband/wife "team" (in quotes since the "team" part is on life support these days) we have with the work

OMG, it's Jon and Kate!!!!!

[gutwrenching]

Thanks Coach - I need the good laughs, I've always been a believer that laughing and smiling are good for the soul. Been using that a lot with older D8 who is really starting to notice her mom isn't what she used to be!

yes I am being too paranoid. Hopefully some day in the future I will reveal the jobs when comfortable and you all will go, that's it?!?! But for now, I am more secure staying vague.

[gutwrenching]

Quick question on the ground rules on TMs since they are starting to come in from W. First few today were all work related. Yes I find it odd that she is TMing me work questions, not sure if W's work blackberry not working or what (but I won't ask, that would be me prying/acting as if I am concerned what is going on)...in the past our personal phones were for well just personal stuff. I did answer the one work question with I'll send you something when I can get to it, other higher priority stuff right now...and I waited 2 hours to give her the info. But, I digress.

I of course answered all work related questions with just the answers needed. Now I get one that states how is your day going, I'm at the Olive Garden for lunch.

The friendly things would be a simple reply that my day is going great and leave it at that...or do I ignore these completely?

[rockedworld]

It's a direct question so completely ignoring can be seen as rude. But, I think you should wait as long as you can and then reply with a simple, "great!" and leave it at that. It puts her in the position of being the pursuer, plus it adds an air of mystery. She may wonder why your day is so great?... especially when she is not around?

[gutwrenching]

UGH - took 2 hours to drive home (should have been 25 minutes) do to accidents/snow. This happens every once in a while. Normally, to keep us awake and entertained, W and I would TM back and forth...it was so, so, so tempting to do that tonight, but I resisted. Did not send a TM. Now I have to get out of foul mood before W calls tonight. Driving stop and go for 2 hours and then missing D's swim lesson and getting home this late doesn't make for a good mood.

[gutwrenching]

Interesting phone conversation. I can't get a chance to cut it off, cause she isn't that in to talking to me. She was intrigued by my "great" day and asked why...I said I don't know just was just in a good mood. She then said that is because I am not there stressing you out. I just said whatever. Not sure how to best respond to something like that??! Thoughts

Honestly, it still bothers me that she doesn't want to talk. We talk a lot more than this when at home, even during the rough times. I miss that sharing. I know I shouldn't but when you are in car for 2 hours and come home to off the wall kids, and then get blown off by your W, well, not in a good mood.

[Coach]

She was intrigued by my "great" day and asked why...I said I don't know just was just in a good mood. She then said that is because I am not there stressing you out. I just said whatever. Not sure how to best respond to something like that??! Thoughts

Missed opportunity. Don't let your women fill in the blanks for you. You stating you had a great day is attractive, she wants to know more. Let her in your head - tell her about work, friends, funny antedcdotes, problems you are working on, hobbies, goals, family, etc. When you do this it creates a emotional connection (EA are ripe with this.) Saying "whatever" is a turnoff, so she filled the space with a hegative thought. This kills emotional connection. Really listen to your wife.

Cheers

[gutwrenching]

Thanks coach, got it. Thanks for stopping by and offering your experience and advice

[gutwrenching]

Well, I took an opportunity to fill in a couple of blanks via e-mail as it tied with a work e-mail about some issues from yesterday that I had to send her (told her I'd do it last night, but didn't get to it until this morning). That "whatever" comments was referring to her statement that I only had a good day because she wasn't there stressing me out. That is not true and not entirely false either. And she makes comments similar to this every once in a while and I don't know how to respond. I can't so oh no, you are the best, I want you here all the time becaue that is pursuing. But I don't think I want to agree with that and imply I'd rather she be in another state. Any advice on those type of situations. It will happen again, some type of almost self-degrading comment...I've seen it a lot in our M over the years.

Today's main objective is get this anxiety under control. Period. It is driving me nuts. Heck, I found myself wishing I could take one of W's prescription pills for anxiety attacks (which have also only started since we got ourselves into this situation, she gets them sometimes before it is time to go to bed). I looked up some anxiety relief techniques on the internet and am trying those. I still can't figure out why this happens at work only, even last night, at the house, assuming she was probably getting me off the phone to talk to OM didn't cause any anxiety (and then later I did that math of the time zones and it wasn't likely that she would talk to him then).

Last night was tough on me from a different perspective. Reality is I am wearing down, shouldering too much of the load of the kids/work/plus all the mental/emotional strain. What is tough is I had convinced myself I could do this all on my own if needed, I could be the single/working dad. With everything that has happened over the last week, I really don't know how either of us could do this on our own over the long run. I don't understand how she could think she could pull this off either. That was discouraging.

E-mailed W back and forth handful of times last night...it was what we had agreed to on the phone. Was actually surprised how much back and forth there was until I cut it off to go to bed.

Had a good nights sleep without aid of sleeping pill.

Still trying to get my arms around what I do with the very limited data/evidence I have of EA continuing. More on my thoughts on that later