Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[antlers]

Listen OB,
you are in the unique position of holding the yo yo,
previously you were that yo yo, you knew how it felt, didn't feel good.

Now you are holding that yo yo,
reeling it in, casting it out (it's a yo yo or a fishing rod, you decide LOL!)

Feel the power shift.

You are in control.

Not of her, because you can't control her, remember that.

But you are in control of ...... YOU.

You've taken back your life,
regardless if you understand this or not but this was the ultimate goal for you. To take back control of your life, to lead the direction of your life where you need to take it and that is away from people who don't value you, your life and your well being.

You want to be with someone who chooses to be with you.

You don't want to be with someone who chooses to play games with you & your heart.

You want someone who would want to be committed to you by their own choice, not because they are forced to be with you. If you could force your wife to be with you, say for example God came down and gave you that power, snap your fingers and you can change your wife's mind and make her want to be with you, how would that feel? Maybe great at first because hey she's back, awesome, good times again!!!! And then you slowly start to realize that it's fake, it's forced, you only want her love if it's freely given otherwise it's not real love.

You don't need to be angry with her, you don't need to be an a$$hole with her, if you react emotionally to her actions and get all angry and upset, you fail her tests but most importantly you fail your own tests, you are better than that, you are a strong man and regardless of how strong this storm is, you'll survive it and be better because of it.

I don't want you to get divorced.
I don't want anyone to get divorced.

But I don't want anyone to be with anyone because they feel like they're forced to be with someone because they can't make it own their own financially, have no where else to go, because you're the 2nd option, etc. And I think this is something most people should learn and internalize, you want the person in your life, your spouse to be with you because they CHOOSE to be with you, they want to be with you, they love you and they are willing to do what it takes to make a relationship with you work because they value you enough to invest that time & energy into you because that is what you want to do with them. It's mutual, it's real, it's the stuff we all want.

If she calls again, tell her yes we can talk because I want to hear what you have to say, give her a chance to tell you what "I love you" really means when she says it to you.

Instead of reacting angrily with her when you talk to her, this is what I would like you to say:

"I get it, you haven't wanted to be in this relationship for a long time, that's why you checked out so long ago, that's why you felt it necessary to pursue another man, I get it, I really understand this now. We both did things to contribute to this mess. I just know that now I feel the same way, I finally get it and maybe you should be with the OM because I haven't been getting what I wanted from you in a very long time and I never admitted it to myself and maybe I need to admit to myself that I want to find someone new & exciting to be with, someone who is honest, shares my same values, etc. I hope you and the OM will be happy together because I don't think you really want to be with me anymore and honestly I'm thinking maybe I don't really want to be with you anymore either. My focus right now is to be a great father to my kids and maybe look to start something new with someone new."

You tell her that and mean it, every single word.
Practice it.
Push her to the OM, this shows that you are letting go and moving on, this shows that you've dropped the rope, this shows you're not pursuing anymore, this shows you are moving in the opposite direction and this allows her to pursue you.

No more being an a$$hole, maintain those boundaries, don't let her hit you anymore or use foul language, those are your boundaries. No more relationship talk from your lips, she can talk about the relationship if she wants, you can answer with short succinct answers but that's about it. You don't tell her you love her, you don't tell her you have feelings for her, in fact if she asks, you tell her that are "confused and don't know what you feel anymore with regards to her".

All this time she banks on using the words "I love you", that's the string that she has attached to your heart, she's used it for so long, she knows it works well, you have to show her that it doesn't work anymore but don't push her away brutally, make it more like you finally opened your eyes and realize this isn't what you want, you haven't been acknowledging your needs in a long time (and honestly you haven't, I'm sure the relationship hasn't been all roses up until this point), you need time to discover what you really want, this process has really opened your eyes and made you aware that your needs weren't being met and you are being honest with yourself about this now. You want to find out the great things that life has in store for you and you want her to have a good life even if that means being with the OM, things worked out for the best, etc.

Counter-intuitive.... just like I've mentioned only a billion times on this site.

OB I hope you can handle this.

This rocks!