Here's my story..midlife crisis/infidelity

[Ready2Change]

If I kick him out, he will move in with OW, her teenage son and mother

You do not kick him out. You give him two choices. BOTH HAVE CONSEQUENCES TO HIM. One is irresponsible. The other is responsible.

AND we will HAVE to have "the talk" with D9. I have figured out that I am so TERRIFIED of this talk that I am paralyzed.

I would like to suggest that you face this fear. You FACE it so that it will not control you. It is important for you to set boundaries with H before "The talk".

Have you read :

How to tell the kids thread

I'm putting up with a lot that I shouldn't simply because I don't want to have "the talk."

Enabling irresponsible behavior does not work. Get completely prepared for the talk. Set your boundaries with H. Let him own his choices and the results.

I know that I am being weak.

Lean on us sweetie...HUGS

How do spouses of MLC people simply ignore what is going on with the OW/OM?

Do not ignore. Set your focus on you and your kids. Set your boundaries. Do not tolerate irresponsible behavior.

I know I'm a mess.

HUGS. Remember that everything will be OK no matter what H chooses. Nothing ever stays the same. Keep going through this and face all your fears. Keep working on you.

Yesterday was my birthday-44. Normally I love my birthday but I had a "mental pity party" a couple of times during the day.

That is understandable. I wish you well over the next year.

He also wrote me a note in my birthday
card and basically said he was very sorry about what he has done but that he will always love me because I'm the one who gave him the best gifts in the world-our kids. He said I deserve so much more than he can give. He feels he is being lead down a different path.

Set him free to be lead down that path. Let go of controlling the outcome. It is very important to do this. It is hard as h3ll to do this. This is the counter-intuitive part that works.

(Without 2x4's if possible)

I understand how everything that the WAS does hurts. One thing that helped me was realizing where my responsibilities end and other peoples begin. Responsibilities got all blurry and mixed together in the M. Boundaries by cloud clarified things for me.

I am responsible for me. My thoughts words and actions.
I am responsible to others. I am not responsible to enable irresponsible behavior.

I am responsible to my kids. My responsibility as a parent is to protect my kids from physical and emotional damage while giving them choices and allowing natural consequences to teach them responsible behavior.

Put on your oxygen mask first. Then assist others putting on their masks.