It seems to me (and I know nothing, lol!) your W feels a great need to tie the children in with the divorce. She is choosing to divorce her husband. And while we might not like it, it is a choice she can make. When you have minor children there should not be an option to divorce them. As best as I can follow along, your W has not yet realized the children the two of you crated and share are not part of the divorce from you.
You and your W can continue to go round and round with each other until you both drop over dead. I wouldn't recommend it but if you are comfortable with that and she is comfortable with it then by all means, spar away for the next 50 years. Just be sure you are sparring for the right reasons.
From what you post it seems your W has little interest in meeting her obligations as a mother. I am very sorry to have to say that. What can you do about that? As far as her mothering goes I don't think there is a thing you can do about it. You can either apply (fight? request?) the majority of the custody or you can use legal avenues to force your W to do what is right. Honestly, I doubt that would even phase her other than her pointing out to you how terribly inconvenient it all is.
Most of us who went away to college partied like rock stars the first year. It is our first time away from home for an extended period, there is little supervision and of course when you are 17 or 18 you know everything. By the time senior year rolls around though the party scene is starting to get old (exhausting really, lol!) and you are ready for the next phase.
Your W is acting the same way. Eventually the "party like a rock star because mom and dad aren't around" mentality will get old, exhausting and boring to her. As I see it though you don't have to wait around for her to crash and burn as it only exposes your children to additional BS.
She is telling you what she wants (granted she is telling you in a very childish way). She doesn't want to be a full time or 50/50 mother but you can't seem to accept that because you WANT her to WANT to be a full time or 50/50 custody mom. At this point I am not even sure why she doesn't want that is an issue anymore. The bottom line is she does not.
You sound like an amazing dad. Your W dose not sound like a very good mother right now. Your children need amazing even if it's not what we *think* amazing should be.
IIRC somewhere you mentioned you were a fan of the show House. I also am a fan.
Think of House's criteria for taking a case... NOT BORING!
The only time House seems sort of happy and "normal" is when he is creating and participating in some sort of drama or highly destructive behavior. That is why he is always looking for "NOT BORING". He is not happy as a person so he has to find his kicks through abusing his friends and staff. His life is so empty he only is drawn to things that are "not boring".
In a way your W sounds very much like that. Some people simply equate being happy and stable as boring. When you are a parent sometimes it *is* boring to be the one that is 110% in charge of the stability but that is what being a parent is all about.
House ALWAYS crashes and burns. Cuddy, Wilson, 13 and the hot Aussie always pick him up again and continue to tolerate his BS because he is the best diagnostician in the country (as the show says). The one person that actually stands up to him (Foreman) is also the one that is most like him. You tolerated your W's BS not because she is the BEST mother but because she is the worst????? What exactly are you fighting for here? A woman that doesn't have a deep interest in being a full time mom.
Some quick clarifications since I'm on my handy at the moment.
@hoosiermama - the compare question was posed by Sassy Gal Pal friend of mine, not STBXMRSSP
@Coach - I wasn't clear - what I meant there was that SHE has real problems setting and respecting boundaries
@antlers - The comment was clearly provocational but I think it also wasn't, in the sense that it would seem to reflect this oddly adolescent notion she has that the Samantha character from Sex in the City is actually one worth modeling.
@CityGirl - I absolutely DO want her to be all the mother she can be. If you go back to the pp 98-100 dialog between @robx and @Puppy you'll see that the 50/50 was a strategem. I think your "college freshman" analogy is Dead On, by the way. And in fact it really helps to think of it in those terms, so thanks for that nugget. As far as House goes, maybe. I'm actually more reminded of the line from "When Harry Met Sally" - she's the worst kind; she's High Maintenance but thinks she's Low Maintenance.
Smiley - I understand you DO want her to be all the mother she can be. Perhaps though (even though we/you don't like it much) she, at this time, is not in a place to be all she can be as a mother.
While you are waiting to see if she will decide to put more focus on mothering YOU do not have to expose your children to her wacky ways. When she is ready to put forth all her best skills then you can perhaps consider an adjustment to the custody. I just don't think this constant "back and forth" that ya'll do will help her get there in any sort of rapid fashion. Eliminate the BS, do the AMAZING dad thing even though you WANT more for your children and if she comes around as far as mothering goes you can work from a different point.
You W sounds like a real pain in the ass if you want to know my opinion (I am sure you don't, lol!). As you said though, she doesn't think she is a pain in the ass so pointing out to her what a pain she is does not at all ruffle her feathers.
I saw this show the other night called Hoarders. OMG - it was one of the most horrible hours of tv I have ever watched. Hoarders live in a state of absolute filth. I don't mean they didn't clean the house for a week. There are piles (up to the roof) of garbage, feces and dead animals. Their homes become condemned and they lose their children over their hoarding. What fascinated me the most is every hoarder that was featured truly did not think this was not an INSANE way to live. To them, living among trash, poo, rotted food and animal corpse wasn't really a big issue.
If I had to speculate I bet your W would say YOU are the one creating all these issues and it's not her at all. Welp, it is and we can all only hope one day she sees that.
Last edited by CityGirl; 01/14/1005:35 PM. Reason: context
No, you have a real boundary problem. You are worth much more than how you let her treat you. She disrespects you. The boundary is for you, set by you, good for you and enforced by you. Detach for a minute and imagine if someone else wrote this post. What would you advise them to do? The best defense is a good offense.
Cheers
I've said it a few times but I guess not as clearly as Coach put it above. SP she treats you that way because you let her treat you that way plain & simple. F!@#$%* the marriage at this point, how about just aim for self-respect and commanding her respect - that would be an awesome goal right now.
You also posted that she was something like a "middle aged adolescent" (or something like that) and yeah, I can feel that in your posts, she throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants, changes schedules on the fly without checking to see how it affects your schedule when you plan things and that latest bit about "hoping you guys can be flexible" in case Signore shows up and she wants to have him over for company and hoping you can babysit for her when that happens, are you F!@#$%* kidding me or what?! Your life has no value to her whatsoever at this point, you have to see that, she is an alien, a shell, she looks similar to the person you were married to but she isn't that lady anymore and that's a good thing at this point, it should finally get your brain in gear and realize that this woman doesn't care how any of this affects you, hurts you and will use you as much as you let her and you're letting her do that quite a bit.
Push for 50/50 custody, like I said, this is as much for you as it is for her, you can at least try it, if it doesn't work out, take over full custody, you can change the agreement at a later point, if that's what the kids want and I'm sure she'll agree to it as well so that she can have her "freedom".
- (other example: "I hope we'll always be able to be flexible. I mean, what if Signore il Secondo flew in suddenly to surprise me? I'd hope you'd take the kids so I could have company.")
.........
She asked, "So? Spill it! Is Miss Someone totally better than STBXMRSSP [whom she knows] in the sack? Or completely totally better?" And I gave her the Aw, Shucks, c'mon, that's bitchy, be nice thing.
But when I got to my car, I actually had a little breakdown. Because in my own way I desperately -- DESPERATELY -- wanted the answer to be "yes." And, frankly, I know that in fact it is yes.
I nearly threw up a little in my mouth when I read that part, she said that with a straight face to her soon to be ex-husband and she did it to hurt you, no one is that oblivious, no one. Way to go Mrs.SP (STBX), that was pure class, when you get a chance can you record some video when she talks like and post it on youtube, it's getting to a point where I really need to see this live and in living color.
As for her asking how "Miss Someone" is in the sack, I would have just turned to her and smiled and just said something like "she's very HUNGRY" ;-)
AGAIN -- It was Sassy Gal Pal friend OF MINE who asked about Miss Someone vs. STBXMRSSP. That's her way. I think she thought it would cheer me up.
As for STBXMRSSP's boundary violations, I handle them. When she said her Coastal City thing, my reply was: "Good for you! And how are you approaching it -- by ZIP code or by area code?"
As for STBXMRSSP's boundary violations, I handle them. When she said her Coastal City thing, my reply was: "Good for you! And how are you approaching it -- by ZIP code or by area code?"
See, that's just it, Smiley. I don't think you're getting it. What's being suggested to you is that this amplitude of boundary violation requires a STRONG response, not a SNARKY one, no matter how clever.
Otherwise, you're going to keep getting more of the same.
Yeah, I guess that is what I was trying to express. Sort of like if you stop giving a bully attention eventually they find somebody else to pick on.
While your comebacks are amusing they really don't set any boundaries with your W. In a way I think she kind of knows that so she has no reason to stop with all this nonsense.
