H suddenly moved out 10 days ago...I'm devastated

[flowmom]

I'd like some input on our financial situation. A huge stressor right now is that H's recent business venture failed -- we have 5 figure debt now rather than the promised mortgage pay-off that H was expecting at xmas. I know that this is clouding the issue and making it a lot harder for H to figure things out. The debt crisis ties us together, but in a negative way.

I'm wondering if I should suggest that we re-mortgage our apartment (we have 6 figure equity in it) and roll our current debt into the mortgage. That would involve a financial penalty but I'm wondering if it would help H to focus on sorting himself out rather than initiating yet another ill-judged marketing venture. In the current economy, he's just not getting the payoff for the tremendous effort that he's putting in. The down side of the remortgaging idea is that it's not a wise financial decision in many ways, and that if we do divorce, we'll likely have to do something to the mortgage again and pay the penalty again within a short period.

The reason that I'm asking here rather than asking financial experts is that I'm hoping that y'all have some insight into how the finances might be playing into H's psychology and decision-making. I'm worried that he's feeling that it's all on his shoulders and that he can't possibly provide for our family, pay off the debt, and pay for a second residence all at once. I don't want him to be paralyzed by the financial stuff to the point where he is not dealing with his feelings, which is what he said that he wants to do (his stated reason for not taking the medication). The last financial crisis also precipitated H's sense of unhappiness with our marriage and pushed him to MC, but when the financial storm blew over he stopped being motivated to work on our marriage.

His father provided their family with a high standard of living and I think that it's really hard for H that he can't provide that.

Thoughts?