loving distance

[courageous wife]

LR...so glad to hear that that tinsel is still there! Hope you are doing well!

I am not doing so well. I was really just so hopeful last week and felt like I had the upper hand for a few days there but the convo that H had with DIL really has me down. I KNOW him...when he wants something, there is no stopping him...I really think this is mostly a MLC for him and am worried about when/if he comes out of his fog that should he choose OW over his family that he will not be able to handle it. I know that I cannot fix this for him but I sure wish that I could talk him into some kind of counseling...someone besides HER!!!!

Apparently DIL has confided in my sitch to her parents (with whom we have become friends and like family to) and just found out her Dad is hoping he doesn't run into my H because he wants to kick his a$$!!! Sorry to say that this makes me smile!!! Her parents are some of the nicest people I know!!!

[Deep]

Hi CW, just thought I would drop by . I just speed-read through most of your thread so I might not have picked up on all the details.

I think you're very strong in your own way, and have quite a bit on your plate, dealing with illness and the sitch. Each by themselves would not be easy I would say, and I think you can try to break it up into manageable pieces to handle each at a time.

Support is so important and helpful, and I'm glad you have good people here cheering you on.

One thing I'm not 100% sure of is what boundaries exactly you may have communicated to your H? One thing that seems to strike me is that you have come a long way but are still tackling some issues in confidence and standing up for yourself. This board often resounds with advice to "work on yourself" first, and it's often good advice. I think it might not be a bad idea to carve out private quiet time for you, think through what you want in life, and celebrate the fabulous person that you are. Take pride in the love you have for H and your family, and also take pride in what your values are.

After that, you might want to re-look boundaries and re-stating some of them re OW. But be very clear of the consequences you will be able to live with now. Boundaries mean nothing without them. Don't hesitate to enforce them step by step. I would also take a look at the way H treats you. The silent treatment, irritable words and glances etc, may not be as obviously disrespectful as the A, but they are. And they whittle away at your self-esteem if you allow them to. Doesn't take much to see the vicious circle it then creates in dealing with the A and H then. When you're ready, you might want to think about setting up some simple boundaries around this too.

Cheers!

[courageous wife]

Hi Deep! I am honored that you are here. I have read thru some of your sitch and advice you have given others! Congrats on your success!

Unfortunately, I did not set any boundaries while H was still here and am feeling that it is too late now. I let him cake eat. He told my DIL that he thought it was over! That is the first he has said that. It is getting to me. What I cannot accept is the fact that he has not stated any other reason at all that he wants to end this marraige other than there is OW that he thinks he is in love with.

Yes, I do need to work on my confidence...I have come a long way but know I still have a long way to go! Please keep checking on me...I am so ready to listen!!!

[courageous wife]

Just tried to call H's cell phone and it went straight to voice mail...gee, I wonder who is talking to? I did not leave a message as he will see that I tried to call. 30mins later he has not called back. Am wondering if he is worried that I am going to chew him out about the encounter with my DIL?

I called him because I got a letter from the school counselor that my son failed 3 out of 4 core classes 1st semester and if he doesn't pass all 4 next semester, he will not advance to 9th grade! I wanted H to have a heads up so that he can think about it and be calm when he is talking to our S14. H tends to yell first, calm down later and by then everyone is already in tears! I have decided that I will not call back today...need to head out here soon. I will try again tomorrow morning. I do not want to talk to him about stuff when he is with HER. The thought of her sitting there listening just makes me sick!

Re-reading DR and trying to find my calm!!!!

[rockedworld]

Good plan to not keep calling. Remember not to pursue. but, again... this is about your son so it is important. I think if he does not pick up tomorrow morning you should leave a voice mail that you need to speak to him about your son, so he knows it is not some personl attack that you are trying to make.
What are you planning to do for YOU today?

[Lost Rabbit]

Your mind reading CW, you dont know who he was on the phone to, it may not have been OW. Several times I made assumptions about what H was doing and I was wrong and if I had actioned on those mind reading moments I would have got it all wrong and made a huge mistake and matters much worse. Try and put those thoughts aside if you can. Next time I'd txt him with need to talk about S phone me when convienant and leave it at that! Mysterious and calm is the way to go. Also although Im sure DIL is telling the truth but it will still be from her POV and also you dont know if H is telling her stuff to get it back to you, take it with a pinch of salt hun.

I know its all very very hard keeping to the rules but they do eventually give you some perspective over things,help you maintain your calm and then give you the time to deal with things. As Rocked said what have you got planned for you, each day you must have some CW time it will help you cope better.

Tomorrow is another day hope you get a good nights sleep!

[courageous wife]

Thanks RW and LR-I think I am doing better today. Went to the Dr. for that fun, yearly checkup and talked to her about everything..she was awesome. I think we must have been in that little room for 45mins! Her H left her and her 6 kids years ago!

I know I was mind reading...it is so hard NOT to!!! I will try to call again in the morning and will leave a vm if he doesn't pick up.

So, I guess my thing for me today was picking up my contacts! I haven't worn them for a year! I am to the age where I need the multi-focus kind and have hated them in the past so am trying different ones! Then, I went to work. I had a 3rd grader in my chair and she asked about the pics on my mirror if they were my kids and I told her they were my grandkids and she looked shocked and then I told her that yes, I am a grandma and she said that I looked like a "hot mama"!!! lol!!! She gave me a hug after her haircut and I told her she could come see me every day and give me a hug!!! I needed that!!! We will take them where we can get them, right?

[courageous wife]

Just tried to call H again about S14's grades...no response so far. I did leave a message..very nice asking him to please call me as I needed to talk to him about S14.

It hurts that somehow "I" have become the enemy! I am trying to not think that way but it just creeps in! H used to ignore calls from his xw. I am not HER!!!

So, do I keep trying to call everyday or do I just go ahead and say what the problem is on his vm???

[rockedworld]

If he hasn't returned your call in a day or two, then leave another vm stating what the issue is and that it is important that you discuss it together.

Other than that, try as hard as you can to not let your mind get "stuck" on the negative thoughts like being the "enemy". That will cause you to spiral down emotionally, and it is also mind reading. You don't know how he is viewing you right now. When my H was caught up in his A, sometimes the way he treated me made me feel like he saw me that way. Now, when we talk, he says he never saw me that way. He says he saw me as a wonderful woman but that he had to try to not think about me much at all or he would feel guilty. And, he was getting so much pressure from OW that he would try to put me out of his mind to focus on her. You just don't know what is going through his mind, so try not to make assumptions.

Good job on the contacts you hot mamma you! What are you doing for YOU today?

[Lost Rabbit]

Wow I hope I still look hot when Im a granny lol! Struggling to look like a red hot Rabbit at the moment, have put on some weight due to the horrible weather and lack of exercise but it looks like the weather is on the up so the exercise can continue But as long as back on track when we get to wear our pretty summer skirts and tshirts I will be happy!

Hope you have managed to keep some focuss today CW try not to assume your H is thinking anything, he is after all in alien mode at the moment so best to just imagine him as ET used to make me laugh when I was feeling a bit stresses lol!