Moving Foward

[dwinter82]

Kemper, I just got my self up to speed on our sitch...are sitch's are very similar, except I am likley 3-4 months ahead of you, which is not a good thing. Are paths have crossed via Missherlove.

How are you holding up? I have a ton of questions. Are you two still in the same house? What is your demeanor towards your W right now? What are your objectives....hope to reconcile or not? How are the kids?

The ring thing...ignore it. The OM issue...irrelevant (I have not reached this point but it is true). It sounds like you are starting the process in the right direction. Where do things stand right now?

[Kemper]

Hey searching4help,

I am friends with someone on FB that is a member of the DB group and the DB page and I can see that information on FB. You could probably limit who can see that information using privacy settings but by default if someone is "friends" with you then they can see that information.

I don't want to take the chance of joining the group or the page and my W seeing it. That might just be me but that is the stance that I continue to hold.

[Kemper]

Hey dwinter82,

I have my good moments and bad moments. The good moments seem to be happening more than the bad moments so that is positive.

My W and I currently live in the same house (separate bedrooms) but that will change in the coming month. Once we agree to the move out agreement she will be out of the house and then we will only see each other when we have to exchange the boys or at some point meet with the lawyers/mediator.

My demeanor towards my W I would say is reserved. We very rarely talk but when we do I am not mean or angry towards her. I am in a very good mood when I am around her and I focus my time on being with the boys. I do not initiate conversations unless it has to do with the boys. At this point the majority of our discussions are handled through the lawyers which is odd when you live in the same house as the person but it is what it is.

As far as my objectives, I want to be the best dad I can be to my boys. I am focusing on being happy with myself and moving foward. My W is still in contact with OM and during one conversation when I told her she needed to decided between OM and the family she just said they were "just friends" so she made her decision. At that time I proceeded foward with the legal actions necessary to protect myself and my boys.

Don't get me wrong I still love my W and would love to work on our R/M. However, we did 4 months of MC and at that time she had the opportunity to work on our R/M. Instead she choose to continue her inappropriate relationship with OM (which I was unaware of at the time). At this time I need to focus on myself and my boys. The ball is in her court if she decides that she screwed up and wants to work on things. I couldn't continue to allow her to cake eat and she is starting to see / feel the consequences of her decisions. Will the steps I took lead to us reconciling? Only God knows the answer to that and I can't dwell or worry about it at this time.

My boys at this time only see Mom and Dad sleeping in different rooms. They don't seem to be impacted by that however, I do not know what is going to happen when they are informed that Mom is moving out and they will have two houses. I fear for that discussion but all I can do is be there for my boys and let them know that none of this is their fault and that BOTH their Mom and Dad love them very much.

The ring thing got to me at first but the perspectives on the board have helped me realize that it probably is just about money and survival. I have stopped focusing on the OM since there is nothing I can do about that. My W made her decisions and she needs to live with going the route she did vs. talking about issues in our M and trying to work on them.

Move out agreement should be complete from my side this week and handed off to W's L. At this point my assumption is my W will move out the beg. of Feb. At that point we are separated in the eyes of the law of my state. We then work on our legal separation agreement and a year and a day from when she moved out the D can become final.

The good thing is I have a year for her A to burn in flames. What she decides during that year is out of my control and someting I don't want to invest any enery or thought cycles in.

The ball is in her court and what happens with our R/M going forward depends on her saying she wants to try again. At that point if it does happen then strong boundaries come into play. However, I am not holding my breath that W will attempt to come back since she is a very strong willed person. I will cross that bridge when and if it happens.

[Kalni]

Hi guys,
I started that FB page and it is private. No one can see you are a member of it but they could see your friends from here with all the funny names and weird refrences, unless you only become member of the group and dont befriend any of us there...

Most people have a separate account just for DBing purposes. It's a shame we cant give any clues here but we respect the rules of the forum.

Kemper, you sound good, great actually. It's not easy, Iknow, but you are doing great anyway.
xxx
K

[dwinter82]

Kemper, you are doing great!!

However, I would talk to the kids ASAP about what is happening.

Remember no lip service about the OM...ever!

[Kemper]

Thanks Kalni,

I feel good and you are correct that it isn't easy sometimes.

Thanks dwinter82,

The agreement my W and I made was to talk with the kids right before she/they moved out. Not sure what benefit there is to telling them ahead of time but I am open to opinions and advice.

[C-Bart]

One mistake I think I made was to tell the kids that it was a mutual decision. If you W is making the choice to move out I'd be clear that it is her choice. She owns this. Don't shield her from it. Let her explain the situation and then you ensure your kids that you will always be there for them.

[Kemper]

Thanks C-Bart. I have read that same advice time and again on the forum. I guess the part that I am currently confused about is since I proceeded forward with legal actions is it still on her to explain? I would love to work on our R/M but wasn't going to stand by while she had an A and also kept the luxury of being M.

So my W and boys are in GA for a couple of days. Based on our lawyers writing up a document for her to go she had to let me know when they got where they were going, have the boys call one night to talk with me, and she needs to let me know when they leave to come home on Friday.

Well she let me know when they got there and the boys called last night to say goodnight. The thing that is confusing me right now is my W sent an email with a picture of our youngest son and the email said "L00k daddy a piranha!". I am confused as to why she would even send an email knowing that we are on the verge of separation and she has no interest in working on the R/M.

I know not to read into it but it really confused me when I saw it. I have no intention of replying to the email.

[C-Bart]

Absolutely. Regardless of who is starting the legal action your W has decided to leave the family. She has done this through her actions i.e. A, failure to work on M, etc. Her actions she needs to feel the full consequence. Do not cover for her.

As for the email, its her way of moving on to the next phase of your R; co-parenting. You are correct to not respond.

[Kemper]

Thanks C-Bart. I let her know in the beg. that she would have to tell the boys and that I wouldn't agree but I would be there for them and ask if they had any questions.

I was second guessing that based on me moving forward with legal actions but I will enforce that stance again before the discussion happens.