Mixed Signals or is this Limbo Land

[Kemper]

That is one thing that I am going to struggle with, not being around my boys 24/7. I will adjust, I just hope they will adjust well to the new circumstances that are being forced upon them.

I know that the majority of my W's friends have no idea she is having an A. She continues to lie to them just like she lied to me about it. However, I do know that when/if they find out they will distance themselves from her. The ones that do know (that aren't scum) already distanced themselves based on her actions.

My W is the type that rolls her friends. Meaning she is close with a core group for a certain period of time and then rolls on to the next group and contiunes that cycle over and over. It will interesting to see who all is left standing once the cat is out of the bag so to speak.

[dwinter82]

This might sound counter intuitive, but the fact that your wife is acting so extremely odd, even with your children, is almost a postive in my mind. My W may be acting selfish and hurtful but at least she is being rational. Your W has truely been taken over by some unknown alien fleet. At some point in time she is going to wake up to the fact that she is acting like a real idiot. Who knows what the catalyst will be for that realization but I think it will happen.

Your job is to have a consistant disposition on important issues like kids, money, and boundarie. Stick to your guns and move on like there is no chance of reconciliation. Things like arguments, criticism and guilt trips are counter producitve at this point.

[MHL]

DW,
Last night I started to have doubts about my actions during the MC yesterday, but I know that she would have continued to cake eat, I had made good progress with her as far as being friendly and nice. Yesterday, definitely made her mad but not as mad as I have seen her get in the past over trivial stuff. I am going to be cordial and nice but not overly. This is the tough part, I actually said in the session that it was over and I took off my wedding band and handed it to her. You would think that she would be happy, and maybe she is but she is really free now to do whatever she wants. I think I will get pay back during the sep agreement negotiations. I just want to get that over.

I will see her tonight when I drop my son off with her to eat dinner with her. I will get out of the car when I drop him off but I think she will not walk him up to the door when she drops him back off at home. I am not going to initiate any contact which I was already doing so no problem there. I think my challenge will be not to be too nice, just cordial at this point. I will have to wait for her to literally initiate any conversation beyond hello and goodbye.

Honestly, I did not say anything that wasn't true and if you read what I wrote that was pretty much what I said. I would even say that I sugar coated the whole thing. I let her know that I disapprove and that I am a MAN. I think that I had the cart before the horse on the Friend thing. My issue now will be not to snoop about any other men she is seeing, dating or otherwise involved with. Taking day by day again but going to focus on kids, house, job, me.

[Kemper]

Good attitude to focus on yourself and your children and not focus on what your W is doing. Just remember that your W can't "miss" you when you are always around. I know you have to be around for kid exchanges but I think that should be the only time you are around.

Remember, people want what they don't/can't have. If you are always around and there then why would she want anything more when she can still have "her" life outside of you?

Stay strong and continue moving foward. If your W decides that she wants to work on the R/M then you have to make a decision on what that looks like and if you even want it to happen. If she doesn't then that is her choice and you will be in a much better place if you continue to move foward.

I know all of this is easier said than done but it is the thing that has to happen now.

[dwinter82]

MHL, do not second guess yourself. You had a plan (granted it was bold) and stuck with it. You had no other choice and this is the approach you need to take. Your W is going to have to live with her actions now and deal with the subsequent consequences.

No matter what happens do not snoop!!! It is to late for that now and if you were to find out anything it would only cause you more pain(trust me).

[MHL]

yeah, I am fine with the non-snoop thing, I actually stopped after her trip to the hospital, no problem there. I had to send a lengthy email this morning b/c I will be in meeting when S9 gets home and he is eating dinner with her tonight.

Already after yesterday, it is back to friendly as usual, I am trying not to be overly nice in the emails, but she is already being IMO, more "nice" back to me. I would think after yesterday she would be pissed b/c of what I said in front of the IC's. I have taken a hard line approach before in the past and she surprised me by not getting upset or even falling in line with my request at the time. I guess I need to keep it to a bare minimum from here on out and let her initiate contact.

[Kemper]

How did everything go tonight? Did S9 enjoy dinner?

I think it is a good idea to let her initiate contact. Be mysterous and enjoy yourself. Let her wonder what you are doing.

[MHL]

Everything went okay, there was just a lot of contact up to the point where I dropped him off b/c I was running late getting home to get my S9 and take him to the meeting place. My W will drive him back out to house to drop off. Just too many texts and calls in my opinion, all short and only about meet and drop off. She did not come in the house when she dropped S9 off and I did not come out. I did not give it any thought, there will be more contact this weekend but again only drop off's and pick-up's. I will be cordial but that is it, I really didn't even look her in the face tonight.

We have most of the details worked out for visitation for the next 9 days so there shouldn't be any reason to talk....?

[MHL]

2 days after the "I done" MC sessiion. Basically, I am dropping the rope and I am feeling okay. Not missing her, not wondering what she is doing just watching and waiting and GALing. Have to spend a good portion of the weekend getting documents together for L, I am going to set aside 2 hours each day and then do stuff for me, plan on running, workout, playoffs. Got to also do some work on D13 computer, more than enough to do.

My W, usually calls everymorning at 6:40 before S9 gets on bus at 6:50. One of the things I said in MC session is how little time she spends with S9. (4.5 hours last week, Zero hours the week before). Somehow, I knew this morning she would not make the call, I don't suggest to S9 that we call unless he says something. So I put him on the bus and then my W calls at 7am, and asks in a groggy voice if he is gone yet? (she knows when he gets on the bus). She proceeds to tell me she overslept (2nd time this week) b/c she took a sleeping pill.

She sounded like she had let me down, or not risen to my expectation, I feel like she is still seeking my approval, leftover issue from marriage. She feels guilty I guess, what do I do or say to her to break this? I don't want her to feel accountable to me anymore, all that does is make her feel I am still controlling her, I stopped all that crap months ago. I know that as long as she feels accountable to me she will resist any feelings of wanting to come back to me. All I said is, "why don't you call him when he gets home from school" and shut up, did a pregnent pause. She said okay and I said okay, and I will talk to you later. (cutting it short) there was a pause as if she was expecting me to say more and she said okay, bye. I will write it down and forget about it, I can't change what she feels but I don't want further aide in those feelings I think she is experiencing.

[Kemper]

MSH,

Let me know if you need any help with D13's computer. It is what I do for a living.

She sounded like she had let me down, or not risen to my expectation, I feel like she is still seeking my approval, leftover issue from marriage. She feels guilty I guess, what do I do or say to her to break this? I don't want her to feel accountable to me anymore, all that does is make her feel I am still controlling her, I stopped all that crap months ago. I know that as long as she feels accountable to me she will resist any feelings of wanting to come back to me.

You don't say or do anything to break this. This isn't an issue for you to "fix". She has to deal with that on her own. If you stopped all that crap months ago then it is up to her to recognize that and deal with it anyway she can or knows how. Don't think about what she may be thinking or doing as it only causes you to question things more. Nobody but her and God knows what is going through her head, you like I are not a mind reader or knows what they are thinking or feeling. It is up to them to tell us if they want us to know. You can't control when or if she comes back.

Continue to focus on yourself, go as dark as you can, keep the conversations short like you did this morning. Live YOUR life and enjoy the time you have with this kids. Don't worry about how she feels, what she is thinking, what she is doing, if she will come back, etc. The decision to come back is up to her and nothing anyone else can control. Just be the best person you can be for YOU and not anyone else. If she likes that person then good if not there are other people that will/do.