Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

CityGirl,

You are right on the money here.

I have the tools, right at my fingertips.

I sometimes use these tools, but not exactly the way they were specifically intended, and not for the length of time needed to complete the job.

I really am working hard at this. I am having more good days than bad, but those bad days still creep on in. It is obviously so much easier to not think about it when I am completely swamped with work and such.

My goal, is complete detachment, and to rid myself of this co-dependancy - and I WILL get there.

Thank you for posting this, I'm sure others will benefit from it as well.

[CityGirl]

I know you will get there! I don't have any doubts in my mind. Simply embracing the notion that such tools exist is a pretty big step.

I wasn't coming down on you per say - this applies to all of us.

This is TOUGH work. While I can't begin to understand or relate to your job (the military) I would guess that is also very tough work. The difference is you went through a pretty intensive training program to understand your job. As I said before, I doubt the day you enlisted in the Army they just gave you a big huge gun and a tank. That would be dangerous. In fact, from what I understand about military training it seems you are knocked down so you can be rebuilt. This is sort of the same. For most of us we don't have the luxury of having a training program for marriage prior to marriage. Most of the time we understand we need marriage training/education after the "war" not before.

[Gnosis]

Good post CityGirl, I think your articulation "hit the nail on the head"

SD, as you know, detachment takes time. If the tools analogy works for you think of it as working on a woodwork piece. At this moment you are shaping the wood with coarse grain sandpaper. As the object you're working on takes shape you'll tone down to finer grain paper until the work is complete.

Expect setbacks and work on controlling them. This is why I told you to look at being deployed and far from home as an advantage. Because you are removed from her daily influence you are able to cope better. This will change when you get back - be prepared for a minor "crash." The more you work on detaching now, the less impact your return will have.

You're doing well.

[givingitmyall]

CG and Gnosis,

VERY GOOD posts. And SD, it DOES take time. For me, I tried like he!! to "get there." I just never seemed to be able to reach it. But, when I decided to take a few days "off" from worrying about reaching that place, it just happened. And you WILL know it when it happens.

[CityGirl]

Detachment is a different process and timeline for each of us.

I did much better when I had no contact with my H. The second I had to speak or see him or even have a phone conversation with him I went downhill FAST.

I will never forget this moment - it was right before our trial was set to begin and my H came by to try and butter me up so I would agree to the separation. He looked at me and said "what is the problem with being separated?" (note: he was the one that rammed divorce down my throat for 18 months prior saying on a daily or hourly basis it was his only option). He then had the audacity to look at me and say "I guess the reason you don't want to get separated is so you don't have to be legally attached to me anymore". LOL! No sh*t, Sherlock! I wanted to ask him exactly WTF he thought I had been working on with such diligence for the past 1.5 years.. detaching. It is what he TOLD Me to do and what he WANTED me to do but when it stopped suiting him, well, he didn't like it and tried to turn it back around on me.

Had I not put myself in the position to be exposed to his continued BS that conversation NEVER would have happened. Due to your job/location you are in the position to eliminate exposure and that is a GOOD thing. And right now you need as many good things as you can find!

[OnceBurdened]

CG and Gnosis,

VERY GOOD posts. And SD, it DOES take time. For me, I tried like he!! to "get there." I just never seemed to be able to reach it. But, when I decided to take a few days "off" from worrying about reaching that place, it just happened. And you WILL know it when it happens.

SD,

I was going to tell you the same thing before I fat fingered the submit button.

CG, Gnos &GIMA are right and wise.

When I gave my W, RobX's - "I get it" speech. It did something to both of us. It made W realize it was her choice and I automatically detached.

Am I 100% detached -no. But I can tell you I came along way.

It's time.
It's time to not tolerate the behavior. If it was ANYBODY else would you?

It's time to let her live with the consequences of her actions. Everywhere we are in life is because we made a choice to lead us to where we are.

You need to reinforce yourself as I did. Get something put together like-

" I deserve honesty, integrity, love, happiness, health, success because that is what I have to offer."

Reread it, commit it to memory and live by it. Whatever it takes to get there - get there- my days are much better now and I'm still a rookie.

[SoldierDad]

Over, I cant find RobX's speech. Is there any way you could cut and paste it for me, or link it? Thanks.

[Coach]

When I gave my W, RobX's - "I get it" speech. It did something to both of us. It made W realize it was her choice and I automatically detached.

When you detach and set boundaries it helps you to see where you stop and she starts. If you are waiting for someone else to change then you fall into victim think - I could be happy if they just...... When you change your perspective to choice (read opportunity) then you empower yourself and let go of the idea someone else is responsible for your feelings. You have choices in how you handle things. It's a incredible burden to put how you feel on someone else's shoulders.

It doesn't even really matter how you feel. It's did you do the right thing, did you execute the plan the way you were taught? When you do the right things you feel better because doing your best equal success. The eliminates the need for expectations. Line your goals up with your values/beliefs, plan out the actions necessary to get there then get moving. You can handle it.

Cheers

[antlers]

Could someone post robX's "I get it" speech that is being referred to here? Thanks.

[OnceBurdened]

Here is the entire post from RobX to me - including the " I Get It" speech.

It is addressed specifically to my sitch. But what it is full of is - You made a choice, I now understand. Bend it to fit your sitch as necessary.

What COACH said in his post was right, again. Don't allow her or yourself to shift blame for her decisions, you need to make your choices and make sure they are the right ones for YOU.

See if she can bare the burden, you can do it.

Listen OB,
you are in the unique position of holding the yo yo,
previously you were that yo yo, you knew how it felt, didn't feel good.

Now you are holding that yo yo,
reeling it in, casting it out (it's a yo yo or a fishing rod, you decide LOL!)

Feel the power shift.

You are in control.

Not of her, because you can't control her, remember that.

But you are in control of ...... YOU.

You've taken back your life,
regardless if you understand this or not but this was the ultimate goal for you. To take back control of your life, to lead the direction of your life where you need to take it and that is away from people who don't value you, your life and your well being.

You want to be with someone who chooses to be with you.

You don't want to be with someone who chooses to play games with you & your heart.

You want someone who would want to be committed to you by their own choice, not because they are forced to be with you. If you could force your wife to be with you, say for example God came down and gave you that power, snap your fingers and you can change your wife's mind and make her want to be with you, how would that feel? Maybe great at first because hey she's back, awesome, good times again!!!! And then you slowly start to realize that it's fake, it's forced, you only want her love if it's freely given otherwise it's not real love.

You don't need to be angry with her, you don't need to be an a$$hole with her, if you react emotionally to her actions and get all angry and upset, you fail her tests but most importantly you fail your own tests, you are better than that, you are a strong man and regardless of how strong this storm is, you'll survive it and be better because of it.

I don't want you to get divorced.
I don't want anyone to get divorced.

But I don't want anyone to be with anyone because they feel like they're forced to be with someone because they can't make it own their own financially, have no where else to go, because you're the 2nd option, etc. And I think this is something most people should learn and internalize, you want the person in your life, your spouse to be with you because they CHOOSE to be with you, they want to be with you, they love you and they are willing to do what it takes to make a relationship with you work because they value you enough to invest that time & energy into you because that is what you want to do with them. It's mutual, it's real, it's the stuff we all want.

If she calls again, tell her yes we can talk because I want to hear what you have to say, give her a chance to tell you what "I love you" really means when she says it to you.

Instead of reacting angrily with her when you talk to her, this is what I would like you to say:

"I get it, you haven't wanted to be in this relationship for a long time, that's why you checked out so long ago, that's why you felt it necessary to pursue another man, I get it, I really understand this now. We both did things to contribute to this mess. I just know that now I feel the same way, I finally get it and maybe you should be with the OM because I haven't been getting what I wanted from you in a very long time and I never admitted it to myself and maybe I need to admit to myself that I want to find someone new & exciting to be with, someone who is honest, shares my same values, etc. I hope you and the OM will be happy together because I don't think you really want to be with me anymore and honestly I'm thinking maybe I don't really want to be with you anymore either. My focus right now is to be a great father to my kids and maybe look to start something new with someone new."

You tell her that and mean it, every single word.
Practice it.
Push her to the OM, this shows that you are letting go and moving on, this shows that you've dropped the rope, this shows you're not pursuing anymore, this shows you are moving in the opposite direction and this allows her to pursue you.

No more being an a$$hole, maintain those boundaries, don't let her hit you anymore or use foul language, those are your boundaries. No more relationship talk from your lips, she can talk about the relationship if she wants, you can answer with short succinct answers but that's about it. You don't tell her you love her, you don't tell her you have feelings for her, in fact if she asks, you tell her that are "confused and don't know what you feel anymore with regards to her".

All this time she banks on using the words "I love you", that's the string that she has attached to your heart, she's used it for so long, she knows it works well, you have to show her that it doesn't work anymore but don't push her away brutally, make it more like you finally opened your eyes and realize this isn't what you want, you haven't been acknowledging your needs in a long time (and honestly you haven't, I'm sure the relationship hasn't been all roses up until this point), you need time to discover what you really want, this process has really opened your eyes and made you aware that your needs weren't being met and you are being honest with yourself about this now. You want to find out the great things that life has in store for you and you want her to have a good life even if that means being with the OM, things worked out for the best, etc.

Counter-intuitive.... just like I've mentioned only a billion times on this site.

OB I hope you can handle this.