The Ankle So, it's two weeks after I broke my ankle and had seven screws and a metal plate installed to put it back together. I'm doing O.K. physically. Can get around on crutches, not much pain, can drive and cook and wash dishes, take S4 to school. As Lotus said, everything else will have to wait. Feb 8th I go back to orthopedist, and expect to be allowed to walk after that.
Daily Life I'm trying to make living with me a pleasant and non-pressure experience for W. Got a babysitter last week and went to a folk music concert, which we both enjoyed. This extended weekend W and S4 are going to visit her brother's family a 6-hour drive away, and I have a lot of work to do for a deadline next week.
Wife's IC W started IC with a therapist recommended by a friend (friend is a social worker, had serious relationiship problems linked to post-partum depression, therapist helped her resolve them, still happily married). In a previous conversation, W said she needed IC first to "figure out what she wants." Her first session was 1/11, but she says it was mostly "here's your rights as a client" and "have you had any suicidal thoughts," not much chance to address real issues. Due to scheduling issues, her next appt is a month away, then every 2 weeks.
W said before that she was willing to try MC after meeting with her IC. Not sure whether I should bring this up again now?
Tarot Saw on W's computer that she had asked an online Tarot site the question "Do I need to get out now in order to be happy?" No way to tell what the response was....
Me:45 W:42 T:11 M:9 S:4 ILYBINILWY:12/6/09 W agrees to MC: 2/12/10 my thread
Saw that W wrote to a friend of hers: "My poor husband is trying SO hard to be a good guy. Even told me what an idiot he'd been. I so needed this a few years ago, but now I just don't care anymore."
I'm despairing about how I can make her care. She seems to have written me off completely.
Me:45 W:42 T:11 M:9 S:4 ILYBINILWY:12/6/09 W agrees to MC: 2/12/10 my thread
I'm despairing about how I can make her care. She seems to have written me off completely.
You can't make her care.
She may be frustrated any angry that you're changing now, when it's (almost?) too late, but that will subside. The important thing will be, what will she find when she does start to care?
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
W continues to think about a trial separation. Not talking to me about it (I saw it in an e-mail to an old friend that she is planning to visit this weekend).
She asked her online Tarot site "Should I move out, or try harder?" So I know that is the question in her mind right now.
This evening we did cooperate well on cleaning up the living room, which tends to get inundated with S4's toys and art supplies. I feel like we need so many more positive interactions like that, but I don't know how to get them to happen.
Sunday we have a babysitter coming, and we're going out to dinner. I don't want to push the R talk - just have a positive experience, work on rebuilding our sense of connection just a tiny bit. But I'm nervous about it - what if the conversation fails utterly? What if her visit with her friend L. and family this weekend has caused her thoughts to swing to the D side?
Next week I go back to the orthopedist who operated on my ankle, and I expect him to give me the O.K. to start walking on it. Also next week I start a drawing class (part of my GAL effort).
Just spilling my thoughts here, and grasping for encouragement...
Me:45 W:42 T:11 M:9 S:4 ILYBINILWY:12/6/09 W agrees to MC: 2/12/10 my thread
On Friday, W went to visit L., an old friend, with whom she talked a lot about our M. issues. She also had a chance to relax, and realize how incredibly stressed she was, and came back in a much better frame of mind.
Oddly, I was disappointment she came back Saturday evening, rather than Sunday afternoon as originally planned. On Friday, with her away, I had my first really good night's sleep in several weeks, and S4 and I had a great day on Saturday. Saturday night, she was much calmer, but my picture of her mental state was still the yelling hypercritical b*tch she'd been on Friday morning. So I was unable to sleep at all Saturday.
Sunday evening we got a babysitter and went out to dinner and to talk. (Had to try three places to find one open, and I think we were the only patrons - most of the world was shut down for the Super Bowl.) We had a nice conversation about various things, over dinner. Then went to a coffee shop and got into a more serious discussion about our M.
Had a very good discussion, which led to a good feeling of connectedness. W admitted that she'd been so stressed out she'd been focusing on all the negatives. Very good talk.
Back home, W raised some other issues, questioning whether I was capable of being the partner she needed, and things started to turn a little negative. I was very tired, so I excused myself to go to sleep. About half an hour later, W came to bed, and she kissed me good night. This was the first time in months that she's kissed me. For the next hour, the tears kept spilling from my eyes. I finally got up and came downstairs and wrote her the following letter:
Quote:
Dear W -- Last night, when you came to bed and kissed me good night, I cried for an hour. In a good way.
In the World of Make-Believe Love, there's only one acceptable story behind that kiss: that you felt moved by mysterious forces to give me exactly what I needed -- proof that we are "compatible." In the World of Real Love there's another story which is just as good: we have a close enough connection that I was able to tell you I needed a goodnight kiss, and you chose to give me what I needed.
In the same way, if you need something in your life that involves me -- adventure, romance, new experiences, new faucets, involvement in charity, travel to tropical climes -- Make-Believe Love requires that I magically be the kind of person who will spontaneously bring you those experiences and fulfill those needs. And if my Grandmother had wheels, she'd be a trolley.
Real Love requires of us something different: that you can (maybe with my help) figure out what you need, and tell me, and that I choose to act to fulfill that need. And I may find that it meets a need of my own I hadn't recognized. That's no less magical, in its way.
--with Real Love, Narwhal
A second night with practically no sleep, though with happier feelings.
She hasn't said anything about the note, but in an e-mail to her friend L (she leaves her e-mail open, and I peek) she says
Quote:
He thinks he can be the person I need him to be, I just need to communicate my needs more clearly. That is hard to hear, since I feel like I've tried and been rebuffed. So I am still not sold, but am thinking of giving it a try, perhaps with a time limit.
She also bought a dozen pink roses, which are sitting in the kitchen. We had a crazy evening last night with W running to the hospital for her Mom, me picking up S4, my evening class, etc. So perhaps she intends to give me these, but didn't have a chance.
I felt sure I'd sleep easily tonight, after two nights of practically no sleep, but after two hours of lying in bed not sleeping, I came downstairs to type this.
Me:45 W:42 T:11 M:9 S:4 ILYBINILWY:12/6/09 W agrees to MC: 2/12/10 my thread
I've tried to get W interested in the Retrouvaille program - there's one in our town in a couple of months. But she is reluctant. She is talking about doing MC, and said she'll ask her IC for recommendations.
This is good. But it's hard. After a good conversation I always think we'll move a few inches back toward affection, but for her it seems to be millimeters, not inches. Sigh.
I'm off the crutches since Monday. Walking is slow and painful, but getting better.
Last edited by narwhal; 02/11/1004:13 AM.
Me:45 W:42 T:11 M:9 S:4 ILYBINILWY:12/6/09 W agrees to MC: 2/12/10 my thread
This sounds good Narwhal. MC is a very good step. Perhaps at a later date she will be interested in the Retrouvaille weekend. A lot of MC's know about the program and do recommend it. Communication is often the stumbling block in a marriage. Perhaps the MC could help you improve that.
