Morning. I have been thinking about some things my friends have told me over the past few days. Many of them believe my W is in some form of a MLC, and they may be right. It would explain quite a bit about the ease with which she has cast the M, and our family, aside. I had thought that MLC involves some destructive behaviors, such as large item purchases or an A. The large item purchase is not present in mine, and I don't think there is an A.
But, my W is nearing 40 and is going through the "change" early, or so she has told me.
So, if a MLC of some flavor is going on, then, as my friends have told me, I shouldn't beat myself up over things I have done in the past, whether they be mistakes I have made or things my W has told me I did wrong or the ways I "hurt her." I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't see that anything I have done justifies D. Not even close.
And the point of saying all this is to show how I am coming to terms with my W's decision to D me. I am beginning to understand that she was going to D no matter what. Maybe she felt unfulfilled or maybe she just began wondering "Is this all there is to life/M?" And once she started down that path, there was no turning back for her. To her, something better lay ahead, something that did not involve me - the grass must be greener over there. I can see it, smell it, almost touch it and it looks wonderful.
And, a MLC would explain the absolute zero impact my changes have had upon my W. In the end, they simply didn't matter b/c, in reality, they never mattered.
I understand that my W sees greener pastures without me and our intact family. That hurts to say, but I know it's true. And no less painful are the statements my W has made to me about how I was a bad H (just like the statements many of your WAS's have made to the LBS's here) that are simply not true, but which she must believe to justify her actions to herself (see Cognitive Dissonance) and/or assuage her guilt. The discussion yesterday with my L brought all of those statements, memories and pain back to the surface.
So, I am realizing that MY behavior has less and less to do with my W's decision to proceed with a D and seek her happiness somewhere else. And while that does not ease the hurt for me, there is some comfort in knowing the majority (maybe even all) of the reason she is leaving me lies with, and IN, HER.
