I am not sure I will be able to articulate this well but I am going to try.

You and your W in a way are STILL working with the same set of tools that damaged your marriage. This can really apply to any marriage that has fallen apart.

The *good* thing is you are now aware of different tools but you only use them part time.

Your W is acting on emotion and what "feels good". She very much is seeking out instant gratification. It may or may not make her happy long term. All we know right now is she is not happy now. Instead of obtaining and using new tools to "get happy" she is looking for the quick fix. When people are in pain the quick fix is the most appealing option.

You are also unhappy and you are also looking for the "quick fix" to relieve yourself of pain/unhappiness. Like your W, you have expectations (your expectations include her simply apologizing and express regret/remorse so the two of you can move on together). Her expectations are to run as fast as she can to make things better.

You both have expectations on how the other can make this situation better they are just at opposite ends of the spectrum.

BUT lurking somewhere in the background you are aware of a new set of tools/actions/ideas that are much healthier. You can see the tools, you are aware they exist and often times you get close enough to touch them. Thus far you haven't really grabbed the tools and put them to use.

You are kind of operating the same way your W does. She knows in her logical mind there are other options aside from divorce. You know in your logical mind there are other options aside from feeling horrible, being crushed by expectations and a host of other things all LBS can understand all too well.

Using new tools is a very scary thing. Metaphorically speaking they don't seem to "fit in our hands", they feel "too heavy" and generally uncomfortable and foreign. One cannot redesign the tools. They must be used "as is".

While I am commenting to you, I do think this applies to ALL of us.

There are three broken entities here... you are broken, your W is broken and your marriage is broken. You are aware of the tools to fix you. In some cases that is enough to begin "fixing" the marriage. In life though we all have to find the right tools to "fix" ourselves. Right now your W isn't even looking for tools. She is driving right by the Home Depot 15 times a day and won't even consider stopping. It seems you are in the parking lot *wanting* to go in. Go in, take a look around and if nothing else choose one tool to really familiarize yourself with. If your W wants to keep shunning tools then let her.