Looking for my new normal

[SpyBunny]

H startled me last night with the R talk. It started when he mentioned that he was getting ready to get the house appraised in order to buy me out. That threw me for a loop- as I mentioned earlier, I thought we were going to re-evaluate the situation in 4 - 6 months. He said he was willing to do that if I wanted to, but he thought we were just telling that to family to soften the blow. OK, whatever- that's when we started talking about the legal side of stuff, as mentioned above. It felt like a kick to realize that I was really going to lose my home- it finally sunk in, I guess...

He is so willing to let me just walk away and he's making sure it's as easy as possible for me to do so. It hurts a little that he's not doing the work to make things better, but I guess it's true what someone posted in my very first thread early on- he already left, I'm an LBS. He left at the very first time he was willing to let another man have me and he had that other man's wife. He just didn't have the guts to actually leave- he let me do all the hard work of leaving when I was strong enough to do so, or maybe he was hoping I would fall back in line again, probably some of both.

Oh- and I kept myself out of trouble tonight . I felt the pull earlier, but I got busy- retail therapy, dinner with D17 and assembling a new TV stand for my bedroom.

Good night, everyone.

[SpyBunny]

Journaling-

H's sister sends me an occasional message on FB so I don't feel cut-off from the family. I appreciate that, that's sweet of her. I respond politely, but I don't initiate anything myself. She and H's SIL both offered to be there if I want to talk or anything, but I can't take them up on it.

H said in our last few talks that he still loves me. Then why was he so desperate to f*** someone else and not care who I was with? Why was that SO important to him? Was it worth it in the end? It feels like he doesn't have many consequences- he'll end up with a higher mortgage payment, less in his 401k and no messed-up me.

No one knows what an @ss he was, his family thinks he's an angel because he's so good to them. I would love for someone HE respects to call him out on his bad behavior and ask him WTF was he thinking, because that's the only way it's going to sink in for him of what he did- but that's not going to happen because I know better than to say anything to them, and he's sure as he!! not going to.

This morning I remembered that he cheated on me a couple of times before the whole swinging thing even started. He even had a profile set up on a dating site that I found when someone responded to it and sent him an email. You know, at the the time he he told me about the cheating, I was so busy dealing with the other sh!t that happened that night, that just got buried. I never got angry about it, whereas a lot of women would have thrown his @ss out. I've had a couple of small discussion with him about it, had a few questions answered, spoke my peace about it, but he never said he was sorry or regretted it. That topic was supposed to be over and done with for us after that, but I feel like it's not settled in my mind since he wouldn't say he was sorry.

I really should have left immediately after he!! night, but I was too messed up to think straight. At that point, I had nothing left to lose by sticking with the marriage- the kids had an intact family and I was in no position to provide for myself financially like I am now.

But he loves me- yeah, right- nice way of showing it, bud...

[Kimmie Lee]

All you have to do to find your answers is to take a good long look at your h's CORE VALUES. These will never change. It is who he is.

Run, and don't look back.

[Gardener]

Bunny,

H startled me last night with the R talk. It started when he mentioned that he was getting ready to get the house appraised in order to buy me out. That threw me for a loop- as I mentioned earlier, I thought we were going to re-evaluate the situation in 4 - 6 months. He said he was willing to do that if I wanted to, but he thought we were just telling that to family to soften the blow. OK, whatever- that's when we started talking about the legal side of stuff, as mentioned above. It felt like a kick to realize that I was really going to lose my home- it finally sunk in, I guess...

He is so willing to let me just walk away and he's making sure it's as easy as possible for me to do so. It hurts a little that he's not doing the work to make things better, but I guess it's true what someone posted in my very first thread early on- he already left, I'm an LBS. He left at the very first time he was willing to let another man have me and he had that other man's wife. He just didn't have the guts to actually leave- he let me do all the hard work of leaving when I was strong enough to do so, or maybe he was hoping I would fall back in line again, probably some of both.

All this is him still screwing with your head, I hope you know.

Oh- and I kept myself out of trouble tonight . I felt the pull earlier, but I got busy- retail therapy, dinner with D17 and assembling a new TV stand for my bedroom.

Good for you, Bunny. Though I'd suggest some soul searching - alone or with IC - as to what the "pull" is. What is it pulling you toward , substitute-wise, and why?

All you have to do to find your answers is to take a good long look at your h's CORE VALUES. These will never change. It is who he is.
Run, and don't look back.

Exactly. Though, you sometimes sound like you are looking back. DON'T!
AND, I'd seriously consider telling some of your adult relatives and in-laws the truth: that he lured you into the swinging against your will and he has serious issues along those lines and THAT'S why you're done and out.
He's so proud of it all? Let him deal with it being known.
imo

[SpyBunny]

I told everything to my friend tonight. I had coffee with her and we talked for almost three hours. She said I looked really good, she wasn't sure what to expect- I'm not falling apart, I look strong, calm and relieved. I'm going to continue to nurture my friendship with her, and not let it get neglected again. I'm gonna call some other friends too.

You're right- I do have to stop looking back. The only questions worth asking if I do look back involve MY role in things- the hows and whys I let things happen. Questions about his role don't really matter much to me, unless he ever decides he wants to reconcile. Otherwise- it just doesn't matter...

I feel stronger tonight. I'm in control of my life- probably for the first time ever. IC session is on Thursday. I'm gonna make some dinner and give Chester a cuddle afterward- he can hop around while he's waiting.

[Gardener]

Hey, Bunny:
Wanna end your night with a laugh? C'mon over to my new home where I just answered your question!

[Gardener]

I told everything to my friend tonight. I had coffee with her and we talked for almost three hours. She said I looked really good, she wasn't sure what to expect- I'm not falling apart, I look strong, calm and relieved. I'm going to continue to nurture my friendship with her, and not let it get neglected again. I'm gonna call some other friends too.

Good for you.

You're right- I do have to stop looking back. The only questions worth asking if I do look back involve MY role in things- the hows and whys I (I was made to) let things happen (by a master manipulator). Questions about his role don't really matter much to me, unless he ever decides he wants to reconcile. Otherwise- it just doesn't matter...

Good questions worth exploring with IC, friends and/or alone. Better questions, I think, if you ask them and explore them this way.

I feel stronger tonight. I'm in control of my life- probably for the first time ever. Wow. Great! IC session is on Thursday. I'm gonna make some dinner and give Chester a cuddle afterward- he can hop around while he's waiting.

[SpyBunny]

I'm making progress. I went to dance class again tonight- had a good time and got a little exercise. Yesterday I found another friend on FB whom I haven't talked to in a few years- sent her a message, she called tonight and we're having dinner on Sunday. And guess what- she's getting divorced too- her H moved out in July. How's that for timing? I've always been a kind of believer in fate- maybe we're meant to help each other through this.

GAL summary to date- getting out on Tuesdays to dance, and reconnected with two friends!

Still too much contact with H, but it's cordial and friendly. He came over this morning to give my car a jump start since the battery died and I needed to get to work. I know, I need to find other options for stuff like that...

[iwantittowork]

Bunny,

I have been checked out for a bit from the site, but reading your posts lately, you are doing exceptionally well for yourself! Keep it up!

You sound fantastic for where you are at. I am proud to see you GAL, and connecting with old friends, etc.

As far as letting StBXH help with car, you already know you need to stop that, as you stated, but you won't get 2x4 from me. Don't beat yourself up for it, just acknowledging it, and knowing you want it to change is a great start on making that change.

I've always been a kind of believer in fate- maybe we're meant to help each other through this.

I used to not believe in fate, but boy, there are so many things like you have posted that happen, I noticed in my own sitch and posted to you about watching out for them as they happen. I am seriously starting to wonder about fate these days...

Look at all the positives that you have in the past few days! Boy, I am really happy to read your latest posts! I hope your IC goes well today, let us know when you can how things go!

[soleil]

Spy, things are sounding really good for you!

That's right, don't focus on him right now. Work on you. And that part about nobody knowing he's an ass... don't worry. Leopards never change their sports. The mask will be pulled back in time but don't spend your days worrying your pretty little head about it.

You deserve respect and love and if he can't give it to you, you are WAY better off without him.

That's great you reconnected with an old friend. Gotta love girlfriends!