H suddenly moved out 10 days ago...I'm devastated

[flowmom]

Me: 41
H: 40
together: 17 years
married: 9 years
marriage problems seemed to start: 5 years ago
counselling: Dec 08-May 09 (ending in impasse because H not shifting)
S: 6 (behaviour challenges, homeschooling)
D: 3.5

recent events:
Dec 22, 09: H revealed that he was in crisis regarding our marriage but didn't have a solution
Dec 28, 09: H first mentioned the idea of a trial separation
Jan 1, 2010: H told me he was going to move out for a "trial" separation in 2 days
Jan 3, 2010: H moved out and rented an apartment 10 minute drive away

rough stuff going on:

• high needs child (S) has stressed our family a lot
• H is depressed (for years?) and hasn't had any treatment, stopped having friends, always grumpy
• lots of financial stress, H busting his butt to provide for our family but business ventures not bearing the hoped-for results
• H also doing shift work
• I'm a stay at home mom, I have a professional career that's been on hold to be there for my children

H is now saying "the spark is gone", "I bear you no ill will", "I have no motivation to work on our marriage", "if you were going to change, why didn't you 4 years ago, 3 years ago, 2 years ago, or 1 year ago?". He blames all of his unhappiness on our marriage problems, which I don't believe is realistic. Last time I asked him if another woman was involved, he said "I wish". He's basically "done" but he's leaving the door open for himself to change his mind. But he's not the type to let me change his mind for him.

I've done some things right. Over Christmas we had some really emotional conversations where I begged and argued with him, but since he's moved out I've kept an even keel and maintained a very calm demeanour. I've told him that I want a reconciliation and I believe that we can be happy together, not just "for the kids". He is a very involved father and he is trying to ease the transition for them, so he has been coming over every night to help with bedtime (a rough time of day) and he often comes in the morning to take the kids on an outing when he is not working. Our interactions are polite but guarded. He hates having to come here and see me though.

I got one coaching session from Dotty on Monday. Her advice was to express verbal appreciation for H (my criticism/complaining has been an issue for him even though I've actually worked on that a lot and made huge progress in the last 2 years). When I did that it did seem to cause him to open up and stay longer after the kids went to bed to talk a bit. Another day he said that he noticed that I was being nice but he thought it was just a strategy to make him change his mind. He doesn't believe that I can change (even though I have proven that I can).

He's totally confused, feely guilty and ashamed about doing this to his family, depressed, but determined not to "put up" with our marriage any more. This guy is a "doer" and tends to forge ahead with action once he has made his decision. He wants to initiate mediation but I have told him that it's too soon and I'm not ready yet. So we're seeing a psychologist to work on a coparenting plan (my idea to get him off the mediation track).

I'm shocked, devastated, and heartbroken. I love him and I've been 100% committed since day 1, even though I have regrets about not taking the right steps to deal with his problems with me. My kids adore him and it breaks my heart that they will soon understand that our normal family life is over (we've been vague so far).

I guess LRT is my only hope, and I'm worried that it's a false hope. I think that any niceness on my part will be taken as a bonus by my H, like "well, she's making this easy for me" - this being making the separation permanent and getting on with being coparents only. And GAL will be tough as it's been hard for me to carve out something for myself with the parenting pressures that I've been under.

Sorry for such a long post.

[davidswife]

Have you read DR or DB?

Don't rule out the chance of another woman being involved just because he denied it when you asked him. Some of your sitch sounds like pretty typical walk away stuff w/OW (other woman) involved.

People will be along to chime in. In the meantime, get DR and read other people's threads on here - you'll learn lots.

What are your son's issues? You said behavioral issues, does he have a diagnosis? I'm a special education teacher, that's why I'm asking.

Take care of yourself and your children.

Accept that you have no control over your husband's issues -- all you can control is you. And as Coach would say: "You can handle it".

[flowmom]

Have you read DR or DB?

I've read DR, but haven't done the exercises in detail yet.

Don't rule out the chance of another woman being involved just because he denied it when you asked him. Some of your sitch sounds like pretty typical walk away stuff w/OW (other woman) involved.

I know.

What are your son's issues? You said behavioral issues, does he have a diagnosis?

We're still figuring out diagnoses. Probable giftedness, probably ADHD, sensory processing disorder (sensory seeking), visual-motor problems, possible visual and auditory processing problems, social and aggression issues. Doing well in some academic areas (grade 1) but not meeting expectations in reading/writing. I think he is doing pretty well, but that's because we put a ton of energy into making things work for him.

[sandi2]

I can only imagine how tough things must be around your home. It's obvious that you & your H are stressed to the gills, and have every reason to be. I don't know how you deal with the challenges of your child and home school also. Does your 3 yr old stay home all day or is she in some sort of preschool program? Was your decision to home school out of concern that your son would not receive enough individual attention in public school systems? You may not see why I would be asking these questions, but as I told another poster, we are like family here and everything that affects your homelife is concern to us.

I respect what you are trying to do for your son and I hate that your H has bailed like he has, but don't you believe that it is due more to the stress than just the MR itself? I bet if the two of you were alone on a loooong vacation that he would be like a different person. Finance trouble and problems with children will bring you down quicker than anything I know in a M.

Bless your heart for hanging in there and trying to keep it held together. How is your energy level? You must be exhausted....or else running on nervous energy.

Has your H ever taken AD meds before?

Hope you will keep posting. It does help.

[flowmom]

Thanks for the replies.

Does your 3 yr old stay home all day or is she in some sort of preschool program?

She's at home.

Was your decision to home school out of concern that your son would not receive enough individual attention in public school systems?

That was a big part of it.

I respect what you are trying to do for your son and I hate that your H has bailed like he has, but don't you believe that it is due more to the stress than just the MR itself?

I think that the stress is a big part of it. Our counsellor warned us about how "trying to do too much" was affecting our marriage. OTOH, it's hard to make major lifestyle changes when you can't talk with your spouse about the future, etc. Homeschooling is challenging, but H and I (for now anyway) are convinced that it's the "path of least resistance" and that putting him in public school would actually create a lot more challenges.

How is your energy level? You must be exhausted....or else running on nervous energy.

I got pneumonia a week before finding out how bad it was but I only started getting treatment a few days ago (we were travelling etc). So my energy level isn't great.

Has your H ever taken AD meds before?

He took them for 4 days then quit on Jan 1.

[Awoken]

flowmom,

I'm sorry you've found a need to be here, but I know you'll get great support from the wonderful people here. I'm gonna post a long reply for you; I really just want to offer you my support. I'm still rather new here, but the veterans should be along to give you the best advice.

What a great first post you made; I know you must be suffering terribly like we all are, and those first weeks are the worst. Thank you for making your thread easy to read and understand.

H is now saying "the spark is gone", "I bear you no ill will", "I have no motivation to work on our marriage", "if you were going to change, why didn't you 4 years ago, 3 years ago, 2 years ago, or 1 year ago?". He blames all of his unhappiness on our marriage problems, which I don't believe is realistic.

I know you getting coaching, and I hope you have been reading DB or DR. These things your H are saying, seem to be the same thing all the WAS's say. I think they are trying to shift the responsibility away from themselves, to justify what they are doing. Prepare for what he says to get worse, as he rewrites the history of your M.

but since he's moved out I've kept an even keel and maintained a very calm demeanour.

That's great; good work, and keep it up! It will be better for YOU.

I'm shocked, devastated, and heartbroken. I love him and I've been 100% committed since day 1, even though I have regrets about not taking the right steps to deal with his problems with me. My kids adore him and it breaks my heart that they will soon understand that our normal family life is over (we've been vague so far).

oh, I'm so sorry flowmom. Especially about what you say about your kids. At least you can be there to show them how to handle this with dignity and honor.

I guess LRT is my only hope, and I'm worried that it's a false hope

I understand about hope; it's what keeps us going. Still, keep in mind what DB'ing is truly about. You need to work on FlowMom, not your M. So that no matter what the outcome, you will be a better Flowmom in the end.

I think that any niceness on my part will be taken as a bonus by my H, like "well, she's making this easy for me"

Don't worry about what H thinks. Don't mind read him. You are being nice to him, you are being polite because that it is the right thing to do; because it is what a good parent does. Your verbal appreciation should come from a place of sincerity, not because you are trying to save your M. In other words, it doesn't matter what your husband thinks.

And GAL will be tough as it's been hard for me to carve out something for myself with the parenting pressures that I've been under.

Yes, GAL is tough, and you do have extra pressures. You can do it! Take some small steps at first, and do them for yourself, not to save the M. I think GAL can be easier if you figure out what you really want for yourself. I know this sounds like being selfish, but taking care of flowmom is really setting a great example for your kids.

Hang in there.

[WhatNow]

I am with you and can so relate to your sitch.

My H walked out in Aug of 08. I new he'd been unhappy (Super hostile ALL THE TIME, came home later and later, etc). He denied involvement with someone else. I asked him to come back the next day and he did. Then his Dad died. Then I found out about the OW. Without the OW, I'd swear we were married to the same man! He left for good to live w/ her Dec 28th 09, after lots of nonsense on both our parts...no real work on our problems (which were all my fault of course, ya know, the house, the kids, extended family, finances). I do not have any words of wisdom or hope for you, but know I can commisserate with you. After 2 weeks of "OMG What-am-i-gonna-do", I am finding bits of peace here and there----esp since I started S13 on Concerta and Zoloft for his anxiety & depression which was exhibiting as anger, disruptive and aggression.

Oh and BTW I have had no contact w/ h since he left. A lot of peace is coming through my removal from his chaos.

Fake it till ya make it

[luvless]

<--so Faking it till I make it!

[sandi2]

So many things are combined to cause a person to become so stressed and depressed that I think they can began to seek an escape. I know I did. I wasn't aware, at first, that I was getting sucked into something that was "my escape" from reality and by the time I did realize it....I was addicted.

So, your H is vulnerable to most anything at this point. You must feel that you have to be the strong one in the family and that puts more on you. I know what it's like having a H who won't discuss his feelings or his ideas or how he sees the future or goals.....nothing deeper than how the weather is that day! For a woman who really needs that as part of her emotional needs being met.....it sucks! But, I cannot change him and I have the choice to make the most of it and be the best Sandi I can be.....and that's what I have tried to do.

I almost walked out on my M about three years ago. Seems like almost a lifetime ago now. We had been under so many different souces of stress and I was going through all kinds of mid-life changes, hormone problems, depression, health problems....you name it. I just wanted out, but I knew I couldn't do that. I had always been this type of "thou shalt and thou shalt not" type of person and it just wasn't done in my book. You don't walk out of a M as many years as mine was. But then I got hooked into chatting with people playing games over the Internet, then one thing led to another and you can probably guess the rest. I ended up in an EA. I look back and wonder who in this world that woman was. That surly wasn't me!

Anyway, I was just going to tell you a bit about myself and to maybe give you some hope. You will see a lot of stories on here that doesn't sound very successful, but most of the success stories have moved on out. There are some that stay to try and pay it forward.....even if the M didn't survive, they came out of the experience a better person than when they entered into it. You'll come to know what I mean by that as you read along and see what this DBing is all about.

Hope you can find some time for yourself in your busy day. It is important to do that. Do you have anyone who comes in to help out for a few hours?

[flowmom]

Thanks davidswife, sandi, Awoken and WhatNow for taking the time to reply to my post. It gives me comfort to be in touch with people who don't think I'm crazy to want to work on this marriage. Of course my friends and parents want me to let go of him and move on. They see how diminished I've become and they blame my H, but of course I have some responsibility in that too.

Thanks for sharing your experience sandi. It's so hard for me to understand H's mindset right now.

Do you have anyone who comes in to help out for a few hours?

H takes the kids for a few hours when he can, and we have six hours a week of childcare. Time stress is huge right now though. I spent hours researching funding and treatment options for our S this morning while H had the kids. And I want to get back to doing paid work ASAP (which I can do on a flexible schedule fortunately).

H took the last 4 days off from work on stress leave, but now he's back to work tomorrow and that's a relief. I won't have to be "on" until he comes to tuck the kids in at night.

One thing I did this morning was leave our home at 8 AM and take a half hour walk with my coffee while H was preparing to take the kids out. That felt good because 1. I need the light (I'm stuck in a very gloooooomy PNW winter) 2. I need the exercise but can't do much due to recovering from pneumonia and 3. it was out of my regular routine of staying home when I have personal time (to do housework and computer stuff).