Hopeless feelings

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Just finished the conversation with H about the selling of the house and the issues the kids were having. My D9 was finally able to get some answers from her dad, instead of his usual “I Love you” or “I don’t know”. That is what he usually says to her when she asks him when he will come home, and why he wants to sell the house.

I did bring up the suggestion of having him come and live back home to help the kids feel more secure about what is going on in their lives. I made the mistake of bringing this up while D9 was still in the room )-: Needless to say, H got very angry and was mad that I would bring that up in front of the kids. He felt I did it so that the kids could hear him say “I can’t come home” and then they would blame him and not realize it was both of us. I didn’t get emotional when I realized what I had done, and quickly corrected it with D9 and let her know that both Mom and Dad said things that hurt each other and that Dad was feeling hurt and that is why he didn’t want to come home. I think that made H feel a little better, but I could still see the anger in his face.

Before he left, he started to talk about R. He asked me “You really don’t think were done?” I said, “No” and that I was just trying to give him his space as he asked. Then I said “I care for you deeply, and want you to be happy. I’m using this time apart to work on myself to become a better person”. Then for once, I shut up and let him talk. Of course, he didn’t say a whole lot, but I repeated what he would say and did a lot of validating with “I’m sorry you feel that way, I understand”. He did say that every time he is around me I say or do stuff that makes him mad, and convinces him that it will never work between us. I didn’t get emotional and again just validated. However, this did tell me, that I need to stick with the 180’s. LRT, and “act as if” when he is around. I have to learn to be patient and make every encounter count.