Next steps

[avermont]

There--I tried an icon.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/images/icons/default/crazy.gif
Updates: X forwarded on an email yesterday from a friend--lost job, blast email to all, looking for work.

He didn't really have to forward it on. I replied with "too bad for them. Thank you for letting me know."

First contact initiated by him since...October?

Then came home today to message on the answering machine from his doc. "Just calling with blood work results, all fine, cholesteral fine, etc."

Sorta weird to hear all that. Why hasn't he updated his contact info? It's a big bureaucratic hospital, wouldn't be impossible that updated contact info didn't make it all the way down the line.

Anyhow, how do I email him now?
"doc left message. All blood work OK. Call her for more info."
"doc left message. Call her for the info. Please update your contact info."
"doc left message. Sorry to hear you don't have long left to live. Good luck."
"doc left message. Dreadful case of STD. Better come in right away."

What I want to do is the first. Just friendly, pass on the info.

The second response, about updating contact info, seems to cold and pushing him further away. (Basic DB question: is what you are about to do going to bring him closer or push further away?)

I asked PDT question: what would God himself want me to do?

I think just being decent, short, simple: "doc called. Bloodwork fine. Call her for more details if you want."

I didn't really feel I needed to hear about his LDL, HDL, kidney function, etc. Would have been just as happy to hear that all his numbers were in the tank and probably, in doc's opinion, due to mental stress of deceit, lies, and in general being a bad person.


Oh--"next steps" refers to my plans re: taxes, house, etc, but I will save that for a separate post.

Advice, please!

[newmama]

"doc left message. All blood work OK. Call her for more info."
"doc left message. Call her for the info. Please update your contact info."
"doc left message. Sorry to hear you don't have long left to live. Good luck."
"doc left message. Dreadful case of STD. Better come in right away."

LMAO!!! how about "doc called. bloodwork's fine but have a dreadful case of STD.Call for more info"

No, seriously why not "doc left message. All blood work OK. Call her for more info. Please update your contact info."

[avermont]

There--maybe that icon works?

Why not "please update your contact info"?

Why why why.

Because he initiated contact with me, forwarding on the friend's email?

Because it sounds like even more it's not YOUR house. It's not YOUR phone #.

Remember how he "yelled" at me: "You won!" referring to my staying in the house.

So I don't want to poke at his sore spot about the house.

The phone is sort of silly---I really should cancel it to save $, but it is a very cute #--ends in 2468. We are both very fond of it. I know I am holding on to it as...a thing...of us. Silly, I know.

And I have to figure--this will be the 2nd time the doc's office has called with a reminder of app't or this update. I forwarded on the first message. When I forward on this one, duh, he has to figure out they don't have his updated info.

And surely he won't want me to know his nasty little bloodwork results, right?

Not an excellent morning.

[chatterbug]

how about no contact. ladybug has not updated her contact info as well.
I got to hear last week how she had a hair appt. And then she missed it. And I have had the doctor message as well.

Not our problem they are lazy.


P.S. Welcome to the dark side

[oflahert]

Avermont, I'm with newmama and cutter on this one. Say nothing, you're not a messaging service. I still get mail at my place which I write "no longer at this address". If he can't get his act together to change contact details then that's his prob. Not to mention if he just went to the doctor you would have thought the first thing he would have changed was all his contact details - especially if the norm is for the doctor to call and give the results over the phone.

[avermont]

OK, one and all:

Here is Avermont's fabulous new thread:

Next steps.

Logistical things like taxes and house. Blah blah blah.

Then--like the dawn breaking through the darkest night--this thought came to me today (and yes, I know you all and even me have been saying this for 6 months now)
"WTF is the point of going through all this cr*p if I'm not a better person afterwards?"

Duh--I know that is the bedrock of DB'ing. But it took til now for the pain, anxiety, etc., to clear away enough to see it.

So--is it like AA? Do I have to do a moral inventory? What are my flaws, and what can I do to reduce or mitigate or remove them?

I usually have a negative view of the world; negative expectations and perceptions.
Consciously reverse negative thoughts; don't give voice to the negative perceptions. Cause who wants to be around a negative person?

I can have a very mean sense of humor. I mean, c'mon, I really can be funny! But sometimes it can be too mean.
Be more careful and thoughtful of what I joke about.

I can be very impatient.
Remember to breathe.

I can get very anxious, and then ditzy, and do annoying things like lose my wallet, keys, etc.,
Hmmmm.....not so easy to fix. Working on the anxiety.

I am very insecure about a lot of things, and tend to get defensive about those things.
Hmmmm....that's a hard one. I guess just being aware of this is step one, right?

Relationship things:
Sigh. Fear. Withholding. Inability to trust. Guarded.
Well, now that I have had EVERY reason to have felt and acted all of the above (I know, self-fulfilling prophecy) these will be VERY TOUGH to work on.
I will start with R's with FRIENDS. Trusting them. Letting down my guard. Sharing. All of which I have been doing (maybe too much!) these past few months. One friend let me down. I am OK with that. All others have been fabulous.

OK--chime in now--is this the Correct Path? The best Next Steps to be thinking about?

Thanks to all--

[chatterbug]

aver sounding good.

Now I like that.

[avermont]

OK--

I sent the email this morning. Really no big deal.

Response back from him just now "thanks for passing that on. Here is info about a household bill that came to me"

So he would have written anyhow about paying this bill.

What does it feel like? What does it feel like for him, sitting in his rental apartment, new GF snuggled up, wearing sexy pj's, tapping out a business note to the woman he shared half his life with?

What is that like? is his heart completely dead to me, and just filled with life and joy for her? just tapping out the old matter of fact news, and then back to the new joyous love and sex filled life?

What does she think, knowing he has to contact me for household stuff? Does he hold her, and murmur sweet reassurances that it is all business, no worries, they are together forever?

What the hell happened to the man I loved? Do hearts change that quickly?
And if so, why can't mine?

[chatterbug]

aver not sounding good

[avermont]

Nope, not good.

Well, I have a hockey game date with my guy friend tomorrow night, and girls out on Satuday night.

Then a week of late night work.

Plenty to keep me occupied.