Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Well,

was just woke up by S12 calling me. Seems W told him to call me as the house alarm was going off and she didnt know what to do. S12 is trying to explain what is going on, and what she wants, but I couldn't really understand him. Finally W gets on the phone, and tells me to fix the alarm. I calmly said "you need to call the alarm company". She says that she doesn't know who it is, and then says forget it, and hangs up on me.

Great.

[Gnosis]

LOL, SD they aren't called consequences for nothing!

Go back to sleep.

[OnceBurdened]

SD

It's been awhile, but wanted to let you know I was still around and in support of our Troops.

I found a book - The TRAVELER's GIFT by Andy Andrews. I think it's a very powerful reinforcing tool to DB and DR. If you can lay your hands on it I recommend it. I'm starting it over again today.

I'm at the detachment/consequence stage in my DB efforts AGAIN. Let me tell you with out a doubt - Let them sink in don't help her. I didn't let them get to her last time and it almost killed every effort and stride I had made to that point.

Hell it's tough no doubt,everytime my W starts crying it hurts me. But the consequences of her decisions have to be felt and dealt with by her. That's what is working on my side of Texas, anyway and I would highly recommend you hold your line.

Your a helluva guy SD, keep it up and keep it real.

[SoldierDad]

over,

Thanks for checking in on me. My Soldiers and I appreciate the support.

I will see if they have it here, but the book selection is very slim.

Ya, I guess deep down, I was hoping there might be more from her, but that was my expectations.

Detach. That is my life right now.

Again, I have not contacted W since Tuesday last week, but the co-dependant side of me WANTS her to contact me. She has only contacted me when she needed something, so maybe it is working. I'm getting better at this, but I still struggle as I sometimes wait for any scrap from her. Detach.

I really appreciate the kind words-thanks.

[OnceBurdened]

Also, my L has already told me that once D papers are filed, the court really doesn't care about that kind of thing-Texas, imagine that!

Your right about TX courts after filing, they don't care as long as abuse is not involved.

I meant to put in couple of pennies on this e-dating question also.

I don't see anything wrong with it. I did, but I don't now.

Here's the thing- Just don't - Ya Know - and there is no harm, no foul.

I haven't, I could have, but I haven't but I will dang sure talk to them -does it help - Darn Shootin, it will give you some reinforcement, some confidence.

What's wrong with that?

[OnceBurdened]

Tell me how to get it to you.

If your a reader it's worth it in my opinion - I'll get it to you.

[SoldierDad]

Ya I really thought that with all she was doing, it would benefit me, but not so much. Sigh.

I am seriously considering signing up. Obviously, I can't date right now, but I think establishing some lady friends, with total honesty about my sitch, would not create any problems.

I am still contemplating this, but am leaning towards doing it.

[SoldierDad]

In my sitch, and for me in particular, I suffer from this anxiety/co-dependance issue.

I feel out of control some days. I feel anxious, and because of my co-dependancy issue, I get myself worked up because of my EXPECTATIONS of my W. Today has been one of those days.

I am Expecting her to change, to apologize, to want to do the work. And when it doesn't happen, I get emotional. I am really working hard on this, and I want it to STOP.

The feeling of dread that comes over me when I think of why she hasn't contacted me about the R/M, drives me nuts some days.

I just want to scream "Why won't you call me and tell me you are sorry, and that you want to work through this?"

These feelings are slowly diminishing, but they rear their ugly head some days.

I don't like feeling that way, and am really working hard to deal with those feelings.

I am looking forward to re-deploying in around 2 months. We are extremely busy, and that helps me.

Gotta DETACH Soldier. Detach from her, and her grip on me. SHE doesn't control me, I don't control her.

Detach. Detach. Detach.

NOW DO IT!!!!

[OnceBurdened]

SD,

[CityGirl]

I am not sure I will be able to articulate this well but I am going to try.

You and your W in a way are STILL working with the same set of tools that damaged your marriage. This can really apply to any marriage that has fallen apart.

The *good* thing is you are now aware of different tools but you only use them part time.

Your W is acting on emotion and what "feels good". She very much is seeking out instant gratification. It may or may not make her happy long term. All we know right now is she is not happy now. Instead of obtaining and using new tools to "get happy" she is looking for the quick fix. When people are in pain the quick fix is the most appealing option.

You are also unhappy and you are also looking for the "quick fix" to relieve yourself of pain/unhappiness. Like your W, you have expectations (your expectations include her simply apologizing and express regret/remorse so the two of you can move on together). Her expectations are to run as fast as she can to make things better.

You both have expectations on how the other can make this situation better they are just at opposite ends of the spectrum.

BUT lurking somewhere in the background you are aware of a new set of tools/actions/ideas that are much healthier. You can see the tools, you are aware they exist and often times you get close enough to touch them. Thus far you haven't really grabbed the tools and put them to use.

You are kind of operating the same way your W does. She knows in her logical mind there are other options aside from divorce. You know in your logical mind there are other options aside from feeling horrible, being crushed by expectations and a host of other things all LBS can understand all too well.

Using new tools is a very scary thing. Metaphorically speaking they don't seem to "fit in our hands", they feel "too heavy" and generally uncomfortable and foreign. One cannot redesign the tools. They must be used "as is".

While I am commenting to you, I do think this applies to ALL of us.

There are three broken entities here... you are broken, your W is broken and your marriage is broken. You are aware of the tools to fix you. In some cases that is enough to begin "fixing" the marriage. In life though we all have to find the right tools to "fix" ourselves. Right now your W isn't even looking for tools. She is driving right by the Home Depot 15 times a day and won't even consider stopping. It seems you are in the parking lot *wanting* to go in. Go in, take a look around and if nothing else choose one tool to really familiarize yourself with. If your W wants to keep shunning tools then let her.