Looking for help with WAW

[sandi2]

I'm also not sure if agreeing to dividing up our things now is what I should do.

My advice is not to agree to anything until you've talked to a lawyer. Have you done that yet?

Have you secured your money by taking it out of a joint account?

[mza8]

Sandi, once again I must say that you are right. Another 2x4 for me but I needed it. Yes, I have spoken with a lawyer. I am protecting myself just in case, although hopefully it doesn't come to that. I have taken the rest of the money from our joint account and moved it to my account.

You are so correct that I should not send that email. As a matter of fact, after I thought about it more today I had already decided not to send it. I definitely need to think about things before I rush to make any decisions. I'm glad I did not send that email. My plan is to remain NC other than when we need to discuss the bills. Thanks again Sandi for keeping me straight and talking some sense into me. God knows I'm trying to stay on the DB path and not make any more mistakes.

I contacted another MC today and explained that my W wants to meet in counseling for closure to M. I liked this MC a lot. She is very pro marriage. She told me she deals with lots of married couples who are separated and one spouse doesn't want to save the M. She said that time and time again she has couples that say they only want to meet once for closure and they wind up coming back and many times do try to work on the marriage. She sounds very confident about her counseling. She knows about DB and sounds like she uses some of the methods. I wasn't asking her for any false hope about what works and what doesn't. She simply gave me this information, which I was at least happy to hear that she shares the same goals as I do for M. Whether or not she can help my M will remain to be seen but so far I like her style.

I asked her if she thought it was a good idea to bring W in now or wait. She said as long as W is willing to come to a counseling session she thought it would be good to do so now. Even though my W's reasons are for closure, this counselor believed she could begin to open the lines of communication and hopefully get my W to return for more sessions. I know I've asked this before but with this new counselor, would it make sense to bring my W to counseling now or continue to wait?

Once again I appreciate all advice from my friends on this board. You're advice and comments have been invaluable to me.

[thegoodfight]

Alright, bare bones here! Let her lead the dance, drop the control. What I meant by a security blanket is she does is not capable of doing anything without positive reinforcement from a friend or family member! She always wants at least one person in the aduience to back her up! Do you follow that!

I do not know for sure, but if you validate, not agree with, but validate her feelings, in time she may not need the audience anymore! Forget the relationship talk, make yourself as attractive as possible. Work outs, independant, responsible, eat right, and get tons of sleep. When we are tired we are more likely to back peddle! Trust me, been there back peddling is not good!

I do not recommend, claiming to have moved on, unless that is what you want to do! IMO that is game playing and can backfire in a terrrible way! Do not add a notion or thought of infidelity to the mess. Instead spend times with friends and get out and have some fun. Just keep it light and keep the alcohol to a minimum because it will depress you! Train your mind to focus on other things besides your WAW.

Again I have been there, it sucks, it hurts, it is easier said than done and emotions right now are the enemy! Sad but true, the best chance you have of saving the marriage involves you saving yourself first and letting go of the notion, that if you don't save it you failed! Drop that line of thinking, focus on changing what you need to change, protect your finances and credit and let the rest go!

[mza8]

tgf, thank you for clarifying the secority blanket for me. Yes, it makes sense now. I agree with you. I will not be controlloing of the situation and let her lead. I will just listen and validate her feelings. It's difficult as we are separated and not in the same house but I'm sure I will have opportunities. She definitely needs someone in the audience right now to support her.

I'm not going to claim I have moved on. I agree that is not a wise move as I DO want to save my M. I don't drink at all so no alcohol for me.

Hopefully my W notices all of the changes I have made so far. After seeing this consistently over time, hopefully she will coem around. Until then I will focus on me.

I really need to decide whether or not to bring her to counseling now or wait a bit longer.

Sandi, do you still I should wait for the counseling or go now with this new counselor?

Thanks again for your help.

[thegoodfight]

If she wants to go let her go! Validation if she doesn't don't push! Again you can only control you, she can do as she pleases! Keep that mindset, you will act, she will react! You will act in spite of her actions, she will try to get a reaction, you will not bite on the bait.

That is the danger, you have to just listen and not retort in counseling, let the counsoler defend whatever, you listen, validate, share your feelings! If you can do that with out back peddling, do it! If you can't my advice, go by yourself until you can handle it! Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best!

[mza8]

tgf, if we do go to C, I am at a point now that I can listen, validate and share feelings without back peddling. I will not take the bait and give her a reaction. I agree that is the correct method especially for the counseling session.

Still not 100% sure if I should agree to the counseling yet or wait? My W emailed me a few times today about bills and also asked me again if I had given more thought about meeting with C to talk. The emails were friendly but I kept things on the subject and did not talk about M. I only gave one or two sentence emails. I did set up a tentative C appointment for us next week but haven't made a final decision yet if it's the right time yet? Not sure if W is trying to be nice so that she gets her way (bills, go to C for closure, etc.) or she is being genuinely nice?

[luvless]

She seems dead set on going forward to divorce so be prepared for it.

We say this over and over...you can't convince her or change her mind - you can only change YOU - for the better- no matter what happens.

Hugs MZA - we all feel you!

[mza8]

luvless, thanks for the hugs!

That is what is so confusing to me that my W seems so determined for D. I don't get it. Unless I'm completely clueless (and I might be) I didn't see any problems with our M other than our financial probles for the past two years. Before the past two years we did very well. I'm sure my W hated going through this just as much as I did but it was an unfortunate thing that happened to us beyond our control. So does that mean the one person just gets up and quits the M? I guess for some people it does but I'll never completely understand it. I know that my W really loved me at one time and I guess I was blind to her pulling away the past couple of years, that's what she says but I'm not so sure it has been that long.

I was talking to a friend of mine today who's sister left her H six months ago. Neither one of them had an A either. The W was determined to get a D and end the M. She said there was no way she would change her mind and work on their M. Well, after six months she is willing to work on their M. She has cracked the door open a bit. Unfortunately with this good news her H is wanting everything back to normal now which is pushing her back away and he's blowing his chance. He is smothering her. Hopefully he gets it soon that she went from a place of wanting a D to now being willing to work on M and he needs to take it slow. I guess my point is that I hold on to hope that given time my W may also get to a point where she is willing to at least try to work on M. If I am ever so lucky I will do the right things and not blow it.

So to all of my friends on this board, keep hope alive. There may come a time when your spouse will be willing to work on your M. I will continue to follow the advice of those on this board and work on myself, GAL, no R talk, etc.

Sandi, do you still think I should hold off with W on the counseling with the new counselor?

[sandi2]

I agree with thegoodfight's advise.

The new C sounds promising. If your W has not mentioned any particular C, then you could tell her that you have a C in mind....if she still wants to go with you "for closure". You have already clued this C in on what your W wants in the session and the C will be prepared for that. Based on what the C said to you, is the only reason I would give in to meeting with him. You were lucky to find such a C b/c it is very difficult. It is a long shot, but under the circumstances....it might be worth it. She seems determined to D whether you see a C or not.

Not sure if W is trying to be nice so that she gets her way (bills, go to C for closure, etc.) or she is being genuinely nice?

Yes, of course that is why she is being nice. She has a game plan...just as you have a game plan. It just doesn't happen to be the same plan. Don't most people act nice in trying to get their way?.....But then when if you don't comply to their wishes...look out b/c nice is going to change!

[mza8]

Sometimes I figure at this point I should go to C just to hear her reasons for wanting a D and not wanting to work on M. I really don't know all of her reasons and it's difficult to try to figure out every day. Other times I think I shouldn't go with her so she can relieve her guilt. In no way do I think my W wants this closure for my sake. It makes me angry at times that my W is acting this way when all I ever did was to give her all of my love and support. So very frustrating to try to hang in there and give this process time and see if things turn around. I have read enough to know this process takes time but it sure is hard to be patient. I'm doing my best right now. Whenever I feel this way I take a day or so to think about things and calm down before I make any decisions.

I know I can't let my emotions dictate my decisions as my goal is still to save my M but boy does it take all of my strength at times. Sometimes I wish I didn't love my W so much so I could just forget all of this. Then I calm myself down and try to think rationally.

Sorry, just needed to vent a bit tonight.