WAS seeing reality?

[Gnosis]

You got it. Send your a friend request. Never used FB chat before but we can go on from there.

[Gnosis]

How you doing V?

[v1olin]

Gnosis, I am doing ok. I have been texting my wife off and on for the last 2 weeks and it seemed to be fine. Well, I got cocky and invited her to dinner tonight... she was uncomfortable with the idea and said she thought it was "risky". She said she didnt want to put us in a position where we might argue and get in a fight. Now, keep in mind, we dont really argue except for divorce talks that dont go her way. So I told her that I just wanted to have a friendly dinner and talk about work.

The thing is - I dont really care what her reactions are anymore! I dont think things can get any worse with our court date looming so why not? Right? Those were my exact thoughts when I told her that her new hairstyle "looks really hot!"

[v1olin]

The invite to dinner has not seemed to cause any problems so I have pushing alittle more. A few touches on her shoulders, back , and "accidental" touching of our hands. I have taken more charge when it comes to the kids and I have them now for Christmas eve and Christmas morning. I also had them overnight last night. When she dropped them off last night she brought two gifts for me! One is a nicely wrapped gift basket with mugs and hot chocolate and the other is a wrapped box. I had a box of expensive chocolates and I told her to give them to her dad for me,(she was picking him up at the airport that night.) This morning when she was picking up the kids her dad came with her to my appartment! That suprised me. He thanked me for the chocolates and told me that he ate a few of them last night. I am going to invite W to be with me and our daughters tonight on Christmas eve because I know I am not the only one in pain this Christmas and it is the right thing to do.


All of my texts are still being responded to within a few minutes consistently and I feel there is something in her that wants to reach out. How do I get that to happen? We were both such great avoiders of conflict in or marriage and now I see clearly that she STILL IS.

[Gnosis]

Keep doing what you're doing. You've got nothing to lose at this point in time.

I hope that you get this in time. Go ahead and invite her for Xmas Eve (for the kids most importantly). Keep the touching going and the temperature checks.

Good Temperature checkpoints:
- touching ... escalate to hand touching and see how it goes
- immediate text responses

The big D is around the corner. She has been completely unresponsive until now, so go ahead. The holidays are pain threshold points. You either turn up the pain or the heat... in your case the heat is all that's left. She might "tag" you or open up as a last ditch "experiment". If she does then turn on your aggressive nature. You're W wants to be taken. If it comes to this, make sure you satisfy her first before your own needs are taken care of

Don't get your hopes up too much, good luck and all the best V.

[v1olin]

Hey Gnosis! I invited her to Christmas eve at my place but she was already headed over to her brothers house with her dad for dinner over there. So she had a good excuse and did not look like she was stiffing the kids. She brought her dad with her again this morning since they are driving out of state to a family party so I did not try anything else. Christmas eve was good and W is sure putting on like it does not bother her but I know that it does.(mind reading?maybe.) I think you are right about her but she also will not stop the D after spending soo much money. Maybe after D all the pressure will be off her and things will change? I dont know, is 9 months long enough for me to try? 1 year? 2 years?

[v1olin]

I am so tired of feeling like I care more than she does:( Did I always love her more than she loved me? Did she EVER really care? Did she force herself to stay with me just long enough to have our second baby who is now 2? Am I that terrible? NO! I am a caring and honorable person! Sometimes I want to tell her that I hate her and other times I want to grab her and squeeze until my heart explodes! I still feel like I am doing something wrong if I talk to other women and I know that feeling will not go away just because a piece of paper says we are divorced. I also dont want to sit there like a chump until she starts dating. Some would say that she already has but that has no chance of working out. I should probably just go find a girlfriend and have fun with my life!

[v1olin]

Oh and by the way... she asked if she could take my picture with her new phone the other night. I asked what for and she said it was for her caller ID. I guess she can make it so a picture pops up when someone calls.

[Gnosis]

I am so tired of feeling like I care more than she does

That's why we avoid worrying what they're thinking. It's a pointless and draining exercise.

Did I always love her more than she loved me?

Nope.

Did she EVER really care?

Yep.

Did she force herself to stay with me just long enough to have our second baby who is now 2?

Nope.

Am I that terrible? NO! I am a caring and honorable person!

Yes you are.

Sometimes I want to tell her that I hate her and other times I want to grab her and squeeze until my heart explodes!

I can relate to that.

I still feel like I am doing something wrong if I talk to other women

Get over this ASAP!

and I know that feeling will not go away just because a piece of paper says we are divorced.

Get yourself onto a head-shrinker's couch ASAP.

I also dont want to sit there like a chump until she starts dating.

It's going to happen.... and um... I thought that she's already been there and done that... You've got to pull yourself out of this crap attitude V1olin, and SOON!

Some would say that she already has but that has no chance of working out.

Who care's what some think or don't think. Right now she's full speed ahead on the D-track.

Start thinking about YOU.

I should probably just go find a girlfriend and have fun with my life!

Um... NO! Your head is too screwed up at the moment for you to get involved with someone else. What you should do is go out and get a life. Meet and make new friends (male and female.) Build up your self-esteem and confidence.

Oh and by the way... she asked if she could take my picture with her new phone the other night. I asked what for and she said it was for her caller ID. I guess she can make it so a picture pops up when someone calls.

So what? Who cares? Not your problem.

Come on man! You're better than this! You better have plans for a party tonight or I'm going to come there and kick your a$$!!!! It's a new year! A new decade!

A new life waiting for you to make it happen. So go and DO IT for crying out loud!

[v1olin]

I will be starting a new thread soon in the "surviving the big D" forum. Yesterday my lawyer and w's lawyer battled it out and we now have a divorce agreement. I am sad, angry, releived, hopeful for the future, and a few other things but I know that I tried. And for that I can be at peace. In a month or so our divorce will be final and I will be single again.