Yep, I made a point to myself this morning to write it off as a good night and leave it at that. When I reflected on last night and how I upped the pursuing behaviors last month (and the fact that she has been pulling away), it did kinda make me think that the DB principles work.
Dropped W at airport today as she is off to spend time with some friends in the city we used to live in and I am off tomorrow to spend time in my home town so we will have a few days apart. I hope that she sees a lot of things that remind her of good times while she is in our old city. Our R was so strong when we lived there.
it did kinda make me think that the DB principles work.
They do work! I find it simply amazing how many men will see the principle of detaching played out right in front of them, but the very next opportunity.....they pursue. Just talked about that with another poster. Just be consistant with your 180's.
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I hope that she sees a lot of things that remind her of good times while she is in our old city. Our R was so strong when we lived there.
I have read many, many similar statements from LBS's who want every small, or large, opportunity to shake some awareness in their WAS. May I offer this suggestion to you? Well....I will anyway (lol). I know it may sound impossible, but can you try to not focus on what your W may be thinking while she is there? Take this time apart as a time of respite and get recharged. You need a break to rest your mind & body. Then when she comes home, you'll get to start with a clean slate and show her more of your 180's.
If you analyze everythig she does or everyplace she goes.....hoping she will feel this way or that way and it will return your old wife, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I say this over & over, but she is not the woman you M. She has changed. That M is dead. That R is dead. Wow! Sounds cold, doesn't it? You may never get that back and there is a possibility you will never get it just like it was. That is why it's best to think that it's dead and stop trying to raise it from the graveyard....and just consetrate on building a new MR.
This trip she's taking is NOT going to affect her the way you are hoping, and you are wasting precious energy to be putting focus on that. The best way to do is hope the trip will be good for her and she'll come home refreshed. That would be good if that happened, but no promise of effecting her feelings toward the M. See what I mean? Please....please stop expecting your W to change. It is you that must change.
Direct your attention to "you" and what you are working on and not what your W is thinking & feeling.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2 sorry for following you around other threads but in a post to me you asked me the following
"How has your W been about showing you respect? Do you feel that she may act as if she doesn't respect you as much as she did years ago? This is important to know, and that is why I'm asking."
The answer to this is she has stated to me that she has lost a lot of respect for me. I wanted to know why this was so important? What does it really mean?
The answer to this is she has stated to me that she has lost a lot of respect for me. I wanted to know why this was so important? What does it really mean?
Thanks in advance
It's vitally important because when a woman stops respecting you, it means she's lost something for you. There's a quote on here that Puppy writes all the time and if I find it, I'll copy it.
The answer to this is she has stated to me that she has lost a lot of respect for me. I wanted to know why this was so important? What does it really mean?
B/c of the way we females are wired, we must respect a man before we can love him. We are not sexually attracted to our H's if we do not respect him. We will test him (even when we don't realize that's what we are doing....and other times we do know that's what we are doing)....but if he lets us get by with some disrespectful word or deed, then it gets worse the next time, and the next....until all the respect is gone. Then we tear him up with our disgust. We may not tell him that, but you can rest assured that is the case.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The answer to this is she has stated to me that she has lost a lot of respect for me. I wanted to know why this was so important? What does it really mean?
B/c of the way we females are wired, we must respect a man before we can love him. We are not sexually attracted to our H's if we do not respect him. We will test him (even when we don't realize that's what we are doing....and other times we do know that's what we are doing)....but if he lets us get by with some disrespectful word or deed, then it gets worse the next time, and the next....until all the respect is gone. Then we tear him up with our disgust. We may not tell him that, but you can rest assured that is the case.
This should be in the wedding ceremony. After "dearly beloved" and and before "do you"? This advice would have saved me years of misery.
Thanks for checking in! My trip was really good. I spent a lot of time with my good friend who has helped me through this over the past few months and he gave me some good feedback about things. Watched "the hangover" which was really funny and had some good laughs all weekend. Laughing was a very welcome thing for me! I also filled my parents in on our M problems (except for the A part although they did ask). They were very supportive and we really kind of reconnected. I don't get to see them very often.
The only low point was that other than us texting each other that our flights had made it ok, the only time she texted me for the whole trip was to send pictures of how hopping our favorite bar was that we used to go to when we lived there. She sent these at about 1:00 AM. Maybe she just wanted me to see an old place of ours but couldn't help thinking that she wanted me to see that she was partying. I looked at her camera pictures today and she and her friend were dancing with some guy there. Oh well, tried to not let that bother me!
The odd thing is that I slept so much better without her in the bed with me. I realized that when she is with me and I wake up on the middle of the night, just seeing her starts my mind going and I can't get back to sleep. It was nice to get good sleep!
At any rate, I think it was good for us to be apart for a few days because things have been a little more relaxed since we both got back. I have my first solo MC appt. tomorrow with a MC that I found through a M friendly MC search service. Hopefully that goes well. I got really down today and don't know why, guess it is just exhaustion from the sitch. Anyway, I will update after my MC appt. tomorrow.
