New Thread For Bradley11

[kjensen]

Bradley,
At my book club a few nights ago, we gals were talking about divorce. My friend who is a nephrologist(married to an oncologist) was telling me about the high divorce rate among doctors(oftentimes due to the long time commitments / residencies..etc), but the divorce rate is highest in surgeons. In her residency experience, the surgical residents were on-call at all hours and one can only imagine the havoc that would have on a new marriage or relationship. Most of the surgeons she knew had been divorced at least once...

So it begs the question Virginia is asking...what are you going to learn from this, what are you going to change to make sure this or the next relationship you have survives?

Its easy for all of us to look at our MLC spouse as the cause of our unhappiness, the chaos , the detrimental effects on our families...but we all need to look inward as well and know what we brought to this dysfunctional table, so-to-speak. And Fix it!

Work on YOU. Focus on You and the boys. If the contact with your wife is making you crazy, then limit it as best you can without making her feel abandoned.. Not everything coming out of her mouth is a lie. You remember how your marriage was in the 'good times' and how your wife was before the MLC mothership came for her...thats who she is, thats who you need to hold close to your heart right now.

As far as is it MLC or not...some say it really doesn't matter. Some say labeling the behavior as MLC is just a way to rationalize standing for the marriage when other people would cut and run.

Its a fascinating journey-MLC. It definitely is something unique, and way understudied...I think, if your wife spouts from the script, and her behavior matches alot of MLCers...then maybe its MLC. Would it matter if it weren't? Are there limits to what you'll do to save/keep this marriage?

Don't take the lies personally, by the way, some of it is the truth, some of it is wishful thinking, some of it is to protect their vision of themselves or their world...its NOT about you.

My own two cents: Even when I would have quit standing for my marriage(reached what I thought was my limit), I wanted the marriage to survive for my girls. I know there are many well-adjusted kids of divorce out there, just don't think many kids have divorced parents without a few scars... Being from a bitterly divorced family, I still carry scars to this day from my parents' divorce. I really didn't get to spend much time with my father until right before he died. My mother became emotionally absent during my teen years. I've never been close to her since. Lots of regrets.

As hard as my marriage became when my H was spewing in the anger phase, the effects of this pending divorce will be much more long-lasting...acute pain vs. chronic pain..I pick acute. Pain more for me vs. pain for my girls. I pick for me.

For the weekend: Put everything you've earned here the last few weeks into practice!