Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - wow, great insight. I think you may be right. I have thought some today about why I continue to get that sinking feeling/anxiety and a lot of it is about knowing too much that right now my emotions can't seem to handle. I have never quit snooping, but have at times throttled way back and every time I throttle back, I start to feel better. The only reason I haven't quit completely is because of what I said earlier where I want the EA to end and yes I know I shouldn't worry about things I can't control. I am going to work on that tonight when I can get some peace and utter silence (gosh I hope the kids go to sleep for me tonight). And there is still fear I have to get over, I have to get past the fear of the unknown.

It is criminal how bad I have let this bother me, people at work would be shocked. Let's just say at work I've been considered "on the fast track" and the no-nonsense, better not get in my way kind of person. Some have described me as intimidating, no one would EVER say emotional. And in my personal life, well you see it and you see it accurately. I need to find a way to take my traits on the job and apply to this situation and get past fear and anxiety. I have often wondered if I could and should go cold turkey on snooping. But when I see what I perceive to be "sneaking" my emotions take over again and I'm back to snooping.

Right now, I don't think I could take time away from the board. It is my sanity, it is my private world, W has hers, this is mine. You all have become my best friends at a time when I need them. You are who I talk to about me. I had to be very careful today in fact. I talked to W's female friend and co-worker to both of us, who knows a little about our M issues (thought I'm sure W has not shared anything about EA)...we talked for about 45 minutes. I made sure to steer us way wide and clear of any M or R or even "us" talks and a couple of times things seemed to start to migrate there. I can't see any good of me talking to my W's only confidant (other than OM) on this.

I need to think through the exposure versus outshining and I need to re-read DB (I don't own DR). Thanks for planting some seeds of things to think about. Good point on making sure I don't feel a need of support from you all.

W did text me twice from layover at first stop. Baby steps for me - I looked up her flight time and waited till I knew she was back on a plane before replying back. I don't want to be cold, I think I can achieve the same objective by making her wonder why it took so long to reply versus not replying at all. She told me what airport she was at and asked me if I was having a good day. I replied I was sleepy (she knows that) but still having a very good day. Kept it very simple.