H4U and Pearl, I'm not a "bigger/better person". Each sitch is different and dynamic. It took me a very long and pain-filled time to get to a place where I focused on being a better me and let W make her choices. I would humbly venture that I truly, realy, deeply knew what it was to "lovingly detach" when I made that decision. Actually I made it at 2 points. First was when W was still in the A fog, and convinced OM was her soulmate but she had to try and keep the M for the kids. And then later, when the fog lifted (and the entire thing is a process that progressed over months), she was "in love" with me again. At both points, I loved her and wanted her and the M. At both points, I was in pain from the A, angry at OM, and had a boundary on NC. But I let her know my thoughts and let her make her choices.
I know not a few vets on the boards just bit their tongue, tore their hair out, and a couple could still be expecting a dramatic post from Deep one day, chronicling how the A and OM never ended and D is on the cards again. I am perfectly aware of the risks I took and the downsides that could come. I am however, confident the person I now am can rise above any pain or betrayal that could result.
I let W have time. My boundaries, my timing, my choices.
I did it out of love and compassion. I know how much her job meant to her. 12+ years of slogging for no recognition and she was finally in a place where her intelligence and abilities were rewarded, where she felt alive, and where she finally started to reach a personal goal of earning 6 figures a year, after years of earning a pittance. Before the A, I was SO darn proud of her.
She had also been disappointed in me, my pay, our family finances - all contributory stresses that led to her frustration, exhaustion, and A. The A was and is inexcusable but I could not inflict that pain on her just because she did so to me. To deprive her of a job that shaped her, and compromise her income when she was already stressed over money, on top of her grieving over the loss of OM and the A ... that would have broken her. "Consequences" might be the reply of many. Yes, consequences. But I chose to give her breathing space, I chose to give my M a chance over "justice".
Not that I trusted blindly. Just as my gut told me when something was wrong, my gut told me W was making steps all the time back, not just to the M, but to the "us" that we were. She was genuinely happy to be with me again over time.
As I said, she is now quite set on quitting once her maternity leave ends. No mention of OM. There's no need to. Which is why I'm stressed. 1 more kid and 1 less income. Cripes. I even felt the birthing twinges of an MLC developing lol. I make ok money, more than my W ever did, but we just don't know how it all gets used up so fast! Ok, we do, we spoil our kids too much.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
