H suddenly moved out 10 days ago...I'm devastated

[flowmom]

Me: 41
H: 40
together: 17 years
married: 9 years
marriage problems seemed to start: 5 years ago
counselling: Dec 08-May 09 (ending in impasse because H not shifting)
S: 6 (behaviour challenges, homeschooling)
D: 3.5

recent events:
Dec 22, 09: H revealed that he was in crisis regarding our marriage but didn't have a solution
Dec 28, 09: H first mentioned the idea of a trial separation
Jan 1, 2010: H told me he was going to move out for a "trial" separation in 2 days
Jan 3, 2010: H moved out and rented an apartment 10 minute drive away

rough stuff going on:

• high needs child (S) has stressed our family a lot
• H is depressed (for years?) and hasn't had any treatment, stopped having friends, always grumpy
• lots of financial stress, H busting his butt to provide for our family but business ventures not bearing the hoped-for results
• H also doing shift work
• I'm a stay at home mom, I have a professional career that's been on hold to be there for my children

H is now saying "the spark is gone", "I bear you no ill will", "I have no motivation to work on our marriage", "if you were going to change, why didn't you 4 years ago, 3 years ago, 2 years ago, or 1 year ago?". He blames all of his unhappiness on our marriage problems, which I don't believe is realistic. Last time I asked him if another woman was involved, he said "I wish". He's basically "done" but he's leaving the door open for himself to change his mind. But he's not the type to let me change his mind for him.

I've done some things right. Over Christmas we had some really emotional conversations where I begged and argued with him, but since he's moved out I've kept an even keel and maintained a very calm demeanour. I've told him that I want a reconciliation and I believe that we can be happy together, not just "for the kids". He is a very involved father and he is trying to ease the transition for them, so he has been coming over every night to help with bedtime (a rough time of day) and he often comes in the morning to take the kids on an outing when he is not working. Our interactions are polite but guarded. He hates having to come here and see me though.

I got one coaching session from Dotty on Monday. Her advice was to express verbal appreciation for H (my criticism/complaining has been an issue for him even though I've actually worked on that a lot and made huge progress in the last 2 years). When I did that it did seem to cause him to open up and stay longer after the kids went to bed to talk a bit. Another day he said that he noticed that I was being nice but he thought it was just a strategy to make him change his mind. He doesn't believe that I can change (even though I have proven that I can).

He's totally confused, feely guilty and ashamed about doing this to his family, depressed, but determined not to "put up" with our marriage any more. This guy is a "doer" and tends to forge ahead with action once he has made his decision. He wants to initiate mediation but I have told him that it's too soon and I'm not ready yet. So we're seeing a psychologist to work on a coparenting plan (my idea to get him off the mediation track).

I'm shocked, devastated, and heartbroken. I love him and I've been 100% committed since day 1, even though I have regrets about not taking the right steps to deal with his problems with me. My kids adore him and it breaks my heart that they will soon understand that our normal family life is over (we've been vague so far).

I guess LRT is my only hope, and I'm worried that it's a false hope. I think that any niceness on my part will be taken as a bonus by my H, like "well, she's making this easy for me" - this being making the separation permanent and getting on with being coparents only. And GAL will be tough as it's been hard for me to carve out something for myself with the parenting pressures that I've been under.

Sorry for such a long post.