I'm giving up, told W I'll sign at the end of FEB

[ShockedOne]

TooLate,
Hindsight is always 20/20. Just remember, what doesn't kill you always makes you stronger. Keep the GAL'ing going, and never lose the PMA!
Shock

[TooLateForMe]

Do you ever have days where this whole thing boggles your mind?

Today was odd. I thought I got it, that I was moving forward toward the acceptance and it hit me that it just doesn't make sense that W doesn't want me. No logic, but a weird assurance deep down that she can't possibly NOT want me.

I don't trust that feeling, but it doesn't stop it.

[Onthemountaintop]

Maybe that's because she's said twice that she marry you until 'death' parts you. There's nothing wrong in seeing your value.

Baggage is always an issue. You mentioned she felt sexually forced in the first round. My W says she's dropped the baggage, but I think men have that skill down easier - to just leave the stress and move forward. You mentioned staying off the booze - probably a great idea. I had a manager once who said that if he touches it, he just can't stop. One good reason for having gov't involved in reducing alcohol problems... You might not have the same problem, but if it has led to problems before, it's good to avoid having any new ones you wouldn't necessarily remember.

[TooLateForMe]

Maybe it's nine years of being together and her always being there for me. It codes into your brain, that bond, and you don't realize how much a part of you another person can be.

If I could appreciate that w/in the context of a relationship, I that's part of a happy M.

[Onthemountaintop]

I met my MC yesterday and she pointed out that I needed to separate my feelings about my wife and about the 'idea of being married to my wife'. In other words, that coding you mentioned is deep enough to make it hard to separate who she is today and what our marriage has meant to my life.

I think the reverse could be true, too - that the things that haven't been can be coded in enough that her judgment of who you are today might be clouded. If that is the case, i wonder how s.o. could break the fog so that she can better see the value you see in yourself.

[TooLateForMe]

This is my second M to my W and I'm not going to do it again should there be a reconciliation. The M itself isn't the focus. My IC pointed out that much of my "connected feelings" to her may come from the codependency. She's always been there for me and it's hard to separate her from that "parental role."

I think it goes deeper. Psychologists suggest that deep, long-term love comes from engram coding. A person literally becomes part of our brain and removing them from our lives is painful. It's like quitting smoking after years of doing it. The nicotine addiction is easier to overcome than the habits and associations that go with the activity.

[TooLateForMe]

I'm irrationally angry over no replies from emails sent to W. They weren't even communications and didn't really need a reply, nor were they sent with the expectation. I'm not sending any reproachful messages, just keeping to myself and I won't contact her again for the next month or so. I'm just complaining, but better here than at W...

[TooLateForMe]

Maintaining NC and I'm angry every day now. It seems like a permanent condition, but I hope it's just a phase. I can barely talk to DDs without getting angry when I hear W in the background.

[flowmom]

TLFM, I hope that you can deal with this anger, because I'm guessing that it's really hurting you. Consider doing The Work...it's helping me to deal with some of my thinking, which is out of control.

[TooLateForMe]

I'm reaching a turning point. The anger and the grief are weighing me down and I want to just turn off, to shut out the love with the pain. I don't want to love my W if I have to live in pain. I want to become cold and empty like her.