I came up with a list of things that are building the anxiety I have after the separation. I also made a list of things I loved about her. In a nutshell - I feel that with many years of M left, I don't think I want to continue when I get ideas like “the marriage would be easy to end if it weren't for the kids”. Can you love someone when you don’t want to hurt them, but also wouldn’t mind leaving doing the D? If the best I can get AND give out in the M is 'happy enough' but not really happy, wouldn't I just be deceiving us both? A month ago I started feeling love (I think) for her and thought it was a good sign, but it isn't a "I need you" kind of love.
We went to a good but new MC (a psychologist) that set goals and wanted to teach us skills. W participated in session, but as my W said yesterday, she wants me to change to meet her marriage expectations. Isn't the 180 about being the best you, not the best spouse the other dreamed of? I’ve tried to introduce her to DB, but she hasn’t been interested. She said when she ‘gets a job and learns how to drive’ that she’d consider other options; in this economy, it could be a while. As far as driving, she doesn’t like me teaching her and has taken a course, but it isn’t going well.
Strange part is that she's a good wife, and wants to stay married, but our problems are like daggers to me. I think that if she got her self-esteem issues solved, we'd be able to go further, but she doesn't think she has a problem. Many differences and conflict begin as culture (how I or she understands what happened, gaps related to education, or expectations of M). Added to that, I’m very curious but she doesn’t like that in me. I expect her to enjoy buying a car or house with me not leave me to do it and then complain if I made a mistake. I enjoy some time alone, she feels it is an insult to leave her alone so I can’t just go do my own thing because she finds that rude. Yesterday, I went to talk to a friend in our bedroom. I closed the door and locked it so the kids don’t come in. She knew I was on the phone, but stood there banging on the door for a while saying that I had to let her in. Afterward, she said that she felt I was running away from her and the family.
Originally Posted By: TooLateForMe
On one level it appears that you ARE looking for social justification for ending your M. I won't give it to you, for the simple reason is that I was very determined to end my own on numerous occasions. I could only come to my senses when my W stood up to my BS and gave me a taste of my own medicine. Only she didn't change her mind and as the name suggests it's too late.
I’m trying to make myself want to not want the D, but when my wife tries her form of medicine, she reaches for the poison, instead.
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Put your time in, work on the M and make sure she has access to her own tools to do the same. If there are more problems than you're letting on, fine. What I'm sensing is a vague "personality divide" that you seem unwilling or afraid to explore. I suspect insecurity on your part, hence the importance of her appearance. I'll take my wife at her heaviest and her frumpiest and still swear in court she's the most beautiful woman in the world. I always had to be honest and critical and now I'm alone.
Insecurity – good observation, thanks. I feel like I know what a good H should do, but when we’re talking/out in public/driving/etc., I don’t trust myself to treat her respectfully when she says something I find “stupid” or ridiculous.
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When problems are plaguing a M, it's hard to see why you could love that person and harder to FEEL it, but that doesn't mean it's not there. Trust me. If you DID feel love for her, then remember back to that. And maybe you won't feel that again for a while. Do the work and get to a stable point and THEN decide. When things are stable and the love is possible to feel rather than buried under the debris of all the b.s. that a troubled R causes, you will know if you need to end the M or not.
If I did feel ‘true love’…I haven’t – ever. Should I try to fake it when my W doesn’t want me to stay unless I feel love for her? I was hoping to get things more stable this month, but she’s already unravelling declaring that my 180s/growth hasn’t ever happened at all. We weren’t going to talk about D this month, but she keeps bringing it up.
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I'm speaking from my experience and the sense of loss that comes from thinking I knew it all. It's a ridiculous sort of hubris that I'm paying for in spades.
