As requested, I am dropping by. Just finished reading through your thread. It's been quite a roller coaster.
Your W has had some tough $h!t thrown her way. I feel so much sympathy for her, up to a point. She got dealt a rough hand, but she chose not to do counseling or find other healthy ways of coping with it. Instead, she's getting her validation, and thus "happiness", from other people. She desperately needs to find better coping mechanisms, but that is up to her. It is her choice, she needs to seek help because she wants to.
So, from what I can see, what works: complimenting her, quality time with her, no arguing, letting her make her own decisions.
What doesn't work: ultimatums, jealousy (at least with this woman who she thinks you had an EA with (on a separate note, I'm curious why you are so convinced you did not have an EA with this woman when it seems from your posts that you have talked about a lot of things with this woman that might have been private and better shared with your W)), sex, actions that are manipulative or controlling.
Boundaries are not the same as ultimatums. Ultimatums will definitely drive her away. Boundaries are for you, because you are the only person you actually have any control over.
A crude illustration of the difference: "I will not share you, choose me or I'm filing for D" (I can almost guarantee she'll choose him just to avoid caving to your demands). "I want to work on this M, but it is not possible with a third person involved. If you want to stay M we must be monogomous. If you want D, that is your choice. I just want you to be happy" The latter gives her a choice.
Ditto on Retrouvaille. Look for the next one in your area. You MAY be at a point to go then.
You have some really great people posting to you. Try and take the time to read, reread, and absorb it all.
BINGO. All of this. ^
One of the fetching Mrs. Puppy's strongest love languages is WOAs (Words of Affirmation). But how to do, and not come off as "pursuing" and supplicating -- especially when she was in the midst of an affair?
It was hard. But one of the things that seemed to strike the right chord was to affirm her CAREER. Or maybe her relationship with her parents (altho she harmed that with her infidelity, but later this became in play again). Her competence at something (maybe as a mother), without going for WOAs about her appearance or anything else that would come off as "romantic."
