Mixed Signals or is this Limbo Land

[MHL]

I read your new post as well and I am going to be very honest with you. I agree with everything you said and beleive it is the right approach. However, I am not as enthusiast about it as others because I know this is going to be the most difficult thing you have ever done. Once you say those things you are going to need to stick by them; if you do not your W will lose respect for you and you may also lose respect for yourself. I could be full of it here!!

You captured my thoughts exactly, I have to be strong if I truly want a chance but I have lovingly detatched enough that I can do this. I thought about it and I could deal with everyone losing respect for me even my wife, but when my D13 lost respect for me I knew that was it. We talk almost every night and she asked me "Why do you put up with her after she has hurt you so much, she doesn't deserve you Dad". I still don't want to be an enemy but my W has to know it is over, and I am okay with it. And I am okay with it, I know I will have some tough moments but they are few and get farther in between. I did see my W tonight, I was too nice, I let her stay here in the house with S9 and eat dinner with him while D13 and I left and went out to eat. I was nice when I first saw her and when I returned but I kept my physical distance and I did not look her in the face. She said I will see you tomorrow at the C session. I am sure she will not be expecting what I have to say, I don't think I will be there that long really just a few minutes. I am prepared for whatever reaction I will get.

[Kemper]

I read your thread here and jumped over to your newcomers thread as well. I just wanted to let you know that I am going down the path that you are about to embark on. While I think the situation sucks I think you are doing the best thing for yourself and your children at this point.

I also agree with dwinter82 that this is a difficult thing to do and you need to stick by it for some time. I am honestly hoping that by taking the action I am taking that my W will wake up, regret her decisions and want to try and work on the R/M. However, I will not sit by and wait for that in the event it doesn't happen.

If my W decides she wants to work on the R/M there will be disclosures on her part, then boundaries and ultimately a decision on my part of if I want to be with her after hearing her out. While I said I am hoping for her to wake up and I would like to be with my W in a R/M, I don't NEED to be with her.

I wish you best of luck tomorrow.

By the way are you in or around the "Queen City"?

[MHL]

Kemper,
I have not read your thread or I have and don't remember at the moment, I have got to catch up on all the people supporting me tonight and tomorrow. I feel like I have an army behind me. I am in the same place, I am just determined not to be mean, firm but not mean. Acceptance does not have to mean lay down and take it but I think it means I can respond w/o my emotions getting in the way. I also now realize I don't need my W to be happy and I am over coming the fear of being single.

Yes on the Queen City thing, actually south in the next county, it is "great place to live and raise a family"

[Kemper]

I feel the same way you do about being firm but not mean. Realizing that you don't NEED your W to make you happy is a healthy thing, you many WANT your W but you don't NEED her which are two completely different things.

We live in the same county. Amazing how small of a world it really is.

[dwinter82]

Good luck today. Let me know if you have any addtional advice in my sitch based on your DB session.

[Kemper]

Good luck today at MC. Hopefully all goes well for you.

[MHL]

Thanks Guys,
It will be xanax time in 30 minutes, I normally I would not take it given the low level of anxiety I am experiencing, but I want to be Mr. Cool Cucumber today.
DW, I am taking a MP3 recorder in with me, I plan to review the entire session later.......WOW just typing that made my hands start shaking. The knots are coming on strong but w/o the emotions, just nervous. I hate this. I need a vacation from all this BS. I hope I will be able to help you in your sitch tonight after I have time to reflect and let it soak in.

I can't tell everyone on these boards how much I appreciate the support. I leaned on a friend in the neighborhood for a long time almost daily, I know he grew tired of it and all my friends (I am lucky to have many) thought I was crazy. Here, I know there are people going through exactly what I am going through right now and understand why we put ourselves through this Hell. May God bless you all.

[MHL]

I am back in one piece and I am not regreting anything I am going to relisten to the session tonight but it was mostly me talking and the more I reflect on things I realize that my wife was done with our M a long time ago and for her to repeatedly seek out men one after another is just evidence that there is no desire for me at all. I am at peace with that, I am going to focus on moving on with my life, I have enough things to focus on to more than fill my life. I think that is where I will find happiness is setting goals for myself and acheiving them. I know the doubts will come but I have made a decision and the more time I put between me and that decision the better I will be. I will put more tonight, I also posted on my thread in Newcomers, after tonight I will probably let that one go and add a link to my signature line.

[Kemper]

You sound like you are in a really good place after the MC session today. I read the post in the newcomers forum as well and agree with focusing on yourself, your children, and your job. At this point do the things that make you happy and continue to detach from your W.

[MHL]

I had a moment on the way home but it was not about my W. It was more of why is this all happening. But it passes quickly. I find strength when I get home and see the kids. I am lucky, I have the kids 24/7, I don't think my S9 has spent the night with my wife more than 9 or 10 times since I kicked her out on Aug. 25th and my D13 maybe 3 times as she was pissed at her Mom within one week of me kicking her out. It is hard at times but the more I read sitches the more and more I realize how lucky I am. It does highlite how messed up my W is, she does not miss them at all and my W is unphased by the fact that D13 hates her. My W makes no attempt to contact her, b/c D13 lets her "have it" everytime they talk. My W pretty much shuts everyone out that criticize's her actions including her D13.