Perfect email. If she pushes through with the divorce, then it's obvious she's not ready to let the OM go and focus on your M. You did good with what you wrote to her.
Yeah, well. I watched the boys, and talked to her briefly when she came home.
She said that she got the email, and it went without saying. And that she doesn't expect me to be her buddy, but like it when I am. She's happy that we're just being nice to each other (and then she got my email...). She says she has a lot of emotions just in general that have nothing to do with anyone else, that she's dealing with.
I asked her if she knows what she wants. She said, no, not really, she's used to having a plan but she doesn't. She's terrified that she'll never have "all this" - meaning I guess our life - again, but she doesn't want to make decisions out of fear. She said that she misses me terribly, but doesn't think our relationship was healthy. And she doesn't want to put in the effort to repair the damage, to go to therapy, to not be trusted. It'll be worse than before.
There was a little more to the coversation, but essentially, I said "so we move forward," and she said, yeah. And I left.
I wish I could say I was disappointed, but pretty much what I expected.
Man, I can't believe how much I'm struggling with this today. I guess kind of jabbing the knife back into the wound. Or maybe having ripped away comfortable denial / comfort in familiarity.
Sigh. Still have some grieving to do I guess. Of course. Good opportunity to practice resilience.
Probably should go dark at this point. Not as a DB technique, rather to get myself moving on.
Crap.
Need to get through the settlement part now. Lawyers seem to move very slowly, and this is going to be messy.
You are not a robot, right? It is very normal to feel pangs of grief and sadness. I don't think anybody can really turn out okay if they don't spend *any* time feeling the loss.
Do what is best for you (going dark to get yourself in a better place). I haven't lived with my H for almost two years and we hardly have any contact. When I do have to deal with him I get so annoyed. But I am way past the loss part. It took me a loooooooooooooooooooooong time to get there though. It's not a race and while it stinks out loud you do have to allow yourself to feel what you feel. The real trick is feeling what you need to feel but not getting stuck.
The legal side of divorce is very stressful so take things one step at a time.
Well, I'm light-years beyond where I used to be, even on the worst days. I've talked to friends that have told me how long it took them, and it's as you say. I've found myself wishing to "skip ahead", but I know that's just nonsense.
Being light years ahead of where you used to be is a very positive thing. Be proud! This is not an easy process (yes, I am master of the obvious, lol!) and it is not the same for everybody.
Expectations (even tiny ones) can really knock you off track for a day or two. Just regroup when you are ready and power ahead!
You will be a wise man when it finally dawns on you that to get a woman back the woman needs to FEEL that you won't and don't want her back. You have failed to do that to this point..
Once your ex feels that she MAY have lost you for good is when the rubber hits the road.
Confident men are the ones that have the gnads to let HER wonder if you would NEVER want her back..
Until you learn how to make her work a little bit for your love, then you are going to keep getting the same results you have gotten all along.
Move on. Go back to dating other women. Let your ex do ALL of the initiating from now on. Don't do anything but be nice. No offers, no invitations. If she asks you to do something, start turning her down. Be nice but turn her down again and again.
Don't ask her what she wants. Don't ask her how she is.. Get off phone quickly.
Study how a Wayward spouse acts and copy their behavior. THAT is the key..Act like a WS... It is the WS's that have the BS's dancing to their tune. That means what they are doing is what works. Do what works.
