Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

OK...I screwed up, I think...
H called while I was home for lunch and I picked up. I sounded upbeat as did he. He asked if I wasn't talking to him again and I asked why. He'd sent me an email yesterday about D12(which I never recieved)...we chatted a bit. He is now offended that I suggested some weblinks to (some)subsidized housing a week ago...He is discouraged about finding a decent place for him and the girls.

He had stopped by today while we all were gone and took his bike, his mail and left us a note saying so. So when he said in our phone conversation that he liked the pictures I'd hung up -I asked which ones, wondering what had he been checking out while we were gone..the ones in the basement.

I said I was trying to make this (townhome) a place that was comfortable for everyone..He said "remember I'm trying to do that too..".then he got a bit angry..said something about "I hope you enjoy your place".."I hope you remember that technically half of those pictures you're hanging up are mine". "You're decorating alot".

So..I defended myself. I don't like who he is right now, at all. I don't feel like I care about him anymore-I'm feeling empty and very sad. I don't think he's coming back, and I'm beginning not to care so much.

So I said that I wasn't going to just stand still because he left me. I was just hanging pictures-not decorating. He started to escalate and stopped himself. I also stopped and said I had to go(which I actually did) and got off the phone.

Ugh. I wish I didn't have to deal with him when he's like this. I'm scared that even though in the past(when he is calm) he's said he doesn't want 'our' stuff..he'll get angry and vindictive and wipe me out financially.

I need to learn just to shoot him emails about the girls' stuff and not avoid it(because I have), since its easier to not communicate with him at all. I have to figure out vacation requests for next year and don't want to talk to him about it(but will)..I want to be able to take the girls somewhere fun/nice without him being upset that I can afford a nice vacation for them and he can't...I just foresee alot of crap ahead.