Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

Thanks Virginia. It was quite the weird reaction, wasn't it? But I do think I see it for what it is

The ironic thing is if you look on Craigslist for rental in our area there are quite a lot of pretty decent choices! I am aware that in our first separation( a year ago) I was helping him way too much and this was used against me later as evidence that I was controlling/mothering...

I do keep telling him that he'll figure it out and in general, keep my mouth shut about my opinion. I did fall into that treating him as a friend, sharing my opinion, too easily since he was acting more 'normal'...will need to watch myself more carefully I think since he is still spinning/angry/conflicted.

Thanks for your kind, supportive words.

[trustingfaith]

I understand about the controlling/mothering thing. My H told me probably about a year ago now that I was controlling which I really don't see me as personality-wise, but I do think my mothering instincts kicked in too much. I have taken a completely hands off approach now, trying to not make suggestions even if he is in the kitchen looking for something to eat (like, there is leftover _______ in the fridge). It is hard.

Interestingly, my H recently was going on about how controlling his dad is/was . . . hmmmmmmm. I am seeing more and more childhood issues come up over the past few weeks.

Hope you have a good Monday!

[kjensen]

Hi TF-
Hope your weekend was good! I do think those childhood issues play a big part in this. My H never felt loved as a child and after reading the 5 Love Languages, I can see that I was showing my love the way he needed...

Also think that things were a bit controlled, emotion-wise, at his childhood home..so H's anger is held in check until it builds up and comes out, out-of-proportion, to whatever is going on...

My mothering instincts kicked in too much too! Trying to tame those instincts all around for my teens and H has been interesting... No one wants mothering at my house except my 'whiny/meow-y' cat!

[Cadet]

No one wants mothering at my house

You have middle schoolers/teenagers. What do you expect?

[trustingfaith]

LOL - sounds like your cat is going to get lots of attention and spoiling!

Fortunately my kids, especially my D, are still young enough to want me around most of the time anyway. For now. I see changes on the horizon before too many more years . . .

[kjensen]

TF-
Time does fly! I have a digital frame at work on my desk full of pictures of mostly the girls..Good memories of when they were younger, happier, more innocent and carefree. Usually it makes me happy, sometimes sad to see those images, but I always think about how quickly time is passing. I tried to be cognizant that in 4 short years D14 will be at college! It truly blows my mind.

I think thats why I'm really sad about this pending divorce- I will lose time with the girls the last few years before they move on to college. I'm also sad that my H has already lost precious time with them and will lose more time-and if he wakes up, there will be a LOT of regret about that.

Enjoy those kiddos as much as you can!

[Walking]

I will lose time with the girls the last few years before they move on to college.

Or you could turn that thought around and think about it from the perspective that one good thing to come out of all this is that your girls have the opportunity to see what a strong,kind loving woman you are and by you all 3 living through this adversity together you will get to have a bond that will be unbreakable... ever.

[kjensen]

Thanks Virginia..I really need to get more in the habit of reframing things positively like you and Grace..yu both have quite the knack(which I greatly appreciate).

No word from H today. One brief email rom him yesterday to see if the girls could do a photo shoot with him for his new website. Have to say it hurts a bit to think about literally being cut out of the picture!

Just a bit worn out and sad..the realization of my future life alone hits me in waves, suppose its part of the grieving process. I'm OK when I'm just living and getting on and making mental future plans that please ME...but when I think of the effect on the girls, their life change that's coming, having to deal with H in mediation..and being really alone and missing that someone to share things with..thats what gets me down.

[kjensen]

OK...I screwed up, I think...
H called while I was home for lunch and I picked up. I sounded upbeat as did he. He asked if I wasn't talking to him again and I asked why. He'd sent me an email yesterday about D12(which I never recieved)...we chatted a bit. He is now offended that I suggested some weblinks to (some)subsidized housing a week ago...He is discouraged about finding a decent place for him and the girls.

He had stopped by today while we all were gone and took his bike, his mail and left us a note saying so. So when he said in our phone conversation that he liked the pictures I'd hung up -I asked which ones, wondering what had he been checking out while we were gone..the ones in the basement.

I said I was trying to make this (townhome) a place that was comfortable for everyone..He said "remember I'm trying to do that too..".then he got a bit angry..said something about "I hope you enjoy your place".."I hope you remember that technically half of those pictures you're hanging up are mine". "You're decorating alot".

So..I defended myself. I don't like who he is right now, at all. I don't feel like I care about him anymore-I'm feeling empty and very sad. I don't think he's coming back, and I'm beginning not to care so much.

So I said that I wasn't going to just stand still because he left me. I was just hanging pictures-not decorating. He started to escalate and stopped himself. I also stopped and said I had to go(which I actually did) and got off the phone.

Ugh. I wish I didn't have to deal with him when he's like this. I'm scared that even though in the past(when he is calm) he's said he doesn't want 'our' stuff..he'll get angry and vindictive and wipe me out financially.

I need to learn just to shoot him emails about the girls' stuff and not avoid it(because I have), since its easier to not communicate with him at all. I have to figure out vacation requests for next year and don't want to talk to him about it(but will)..I want to be able to take the girls somewhere fun/nice without him being upset that I can afford a nice vacation for them and he can't...I just foresee alot of crap ahead.

[trustingfaith]

(((KJ)))

Sorry you didn't have such a great conversation with your H. The thing is, moving out was his choice. Again, he is projecting. A little thing like hanging up pictures is getting him bent out of shape. That is not your fault. He chose to leave so he has to feel the consequences of it (like you getting to go on vacation when he can't).

Can you limit your communication with him to just emails, or would that just backfire?

Hope your day gets better!