The adventure chronicles

[Dane]

ot has a good question. I do think you handled it correctly though.
IMO, you have to do what is right for your daughter and then you.

[oldtimer]

Oh, I heartily concur, I think the best thing was to not respond to the email, whether or not the message was controlling or not.

[AFWAW]

If she wants to keep her family together, the only option for her is to attend counseling as she said she would. It's just one more lie that makes me believe it's time to move on. She's the one asking for the divorce, not me. I have to live as if this is the case. Part of that is taking care of my career. If an opportunity is available for me where I can take care of my daughter in a better capacity then I will take advantage of it. Me moving to AZ would put me in a position where I would be less likely to deploy. Additionally, I need to start thinking about life after the military and this move would place me in a major city where opportunities are more plentiful.

Bottom line, I have to plan as if this is happening and so far I haven't seen any movement(other than her lips)to rebuild trust or mend our relationship. I have lived up to my end of the bargain and when I held her feet to the fire regarding counseling(which she agreed too), she wants a divorce again.

In the past 3 days, she has talked with my daughter a magical 4 minutes. Actions do speak louder than words in this case. I don't want to speculate because it does no good but maybe she's got another OM in her life that's taking up her time. At this point, I don't care to waste anymore time figuring out what she is going to do or not do as she's obviously not interested in us.

[AFWAW]

Would anyone disagree with my reasoning at this point? Just so everyone knows, I do still love my wife but I have don't intend to wait forever for her to come to her senses nor do I intend to submit to her controlling behavior and be miserable for the rest of my life as a consequence of that choice.

[Gnosis]

I don't disagree with your thinking. IMHO, it's healthy. You have set the boundary, bent it a bit to accommodate her and she will not honor her part of the bargain. For that there are consequences.

For what it's worth, I'd say go for the AZ job. It will offer your D more life opportunities than Hawaii. I have a relative who studied for a year there and she mentioned that she was bored stiff over there after a while. (Besides the surfing... the place is infested with honeymooning couples etc)

[AFWAW]

Gnosis,
Thanks for your support. I did apply for the AZ job yesterday. To do this I had to remove my joint spouse code which says that I do not wish to be assigned to the same base as my spouse. I should find something out here within the next month which means I'm going to have to put my house on the market here pretty soon.

My daughter reported to me this morning that in her brief conversation w/ her mother on the phone last night that WAW made a comment to the effect of "it's been a few days since I've talked to your Dad", to which my daughter told me her response was ok. I just listened to my daughter and didn't say anything. All I know is once this choo-choo train gets to a certain point on the track there will be no reverse.

Hope everyone has a good day.

[PMA_Baby!]

I forget. Do you have full custody? How would you move out of state without her permission?

You might have clarified this a while ago.

[AFWAW]

We are not divorced yet but my daughter has told my wife that she wants to stay with me and we are going to do an uncontested divorce where my wife will have standardized visitation. In the event that I move out of state, my daughter will visit her for 6 weeks in the summer and during holiday seasons(rotating of course)whereas there is ample adjustment time for my daughter(for example, if she is out of school for 3 days, it wouldn't make much sense to put her on a plane to visit her mom but if she is out for a week or 2, then there is ample adjustment time for her to travel, spend some quality time with her mom and return to her home and adjust before school started again.

As we are both in the military, there isn't much choice regarding my moving out of state. She is in the military so she knows this is going to happen one way or the other.

[oldtimer]

I don't disagree with your reasoning. It definitely is a good idea to create a life that works for you that is not contingent on W's all-over-the-placedness.

I would urge you to resist labeling every possible action W might take as selfish and controlling. Like you said, you love your W. You would like to reconcile. So, just try to keep an open mind.

Good luck with the AZ job, Tuscon is great!

[AFWAW]

Well, it's been a few days since I've talked with WAW. So, she calls my daughter tonight and asks her to have me call her. I didn't so she called back. I figured I'd answer. She wants to know what time she can pick daughter up tomorrow. I tell her and then she goes into this tirade of why haven't I asked her out on dates, etc? I reminded her that we had been out on dates and that she wanted a divorce so why would I ask her out on more dates?(doesn't make sense, right?) Anyway, she asks me if I want a divorce to which I reply, yes. I told her I was tired of the back and forth and she wasn't going to break my heart ever again. She says, make sure daughter is ready tomorrow. Got it, bye.

So, she calls back 10 minutes later and says I sent you an email. I said, I'm going to bed, why are you calling so late. She says, sorry and hangs up. So I read my email and it was very short. All it said was,

John,

I want my family back. I will do whatever it takes.

WTFO??? Last week it was a divorce request. All I've done is leave her alone. I truly have been busy this week and have been unable to go to my lawyer but I intend to next week. This is truly, truly frustrating to me.