J3B - Sounds like your second lawyer was cut from the same cloth as mine. My L suggested various ways to avoid his services and save money. And he as a straight and experienced shooter when it came to court and negotiations.
Funny part of my story was that when I tried talking separation with my "very difficult to reason with MLC/WAW wife", she would threaten me by saying she was going to find a rich guy so she could afford the best lawyer in town. When push came to shove, I was the one that ended up getting the best lawyer in town. The L her sugar daddy connected her with informed her that my L was well known throughout the Portland area as being very competent and succesfull in family law. It was a bit of schadenfreude when she admitted this to me.
Bradley - If you must, try do work with your W as much as possible on getting written agreements pertaining to separation. Once you get L's involved, it can easily turn into a pissing match.
I'm not yet ready for the world to know--- our friends, family, many of them do not know the truth of the problems we are having.
Honestly J3B, I just can't spend another 6 months in limbo-- alone, without my kids, in a wierd place, with essentially nothing to do. Can't deal with the lies, the ups and downs, all of it. We need to figure out where we are going with this-- either way. I know that is everything against everything you all have talked to me about but I just can't do it day to day. Life is short, and I do not want to spend the next 6 months to a year or two dealing with lies and deceit, even if she is an alien.
so at the very least, I feel like she needs to decide if she wants to be with me, or we need to work on some sort of legal separation or agreement, so that perhaps I can at least start trying to move on with my life, find some companionship of some sort... maybe if I had my kids with me I'd be able to tolerate this a little bit, but the isolation, lack of touch, love, and all that has become too much to bear. So I need to do something else.
I feel like if we did some sort of legal separation then perhaps that would leave a door open. But while she tries to figure out herself I need to start living my life. And doing that, for me at least, means with some sort of companionship.
I hope that is not too much of a disappointment for people to hear, but that is sortof where I am right now.
She's coming down with the boys this weekend. we are gonna talk it out. I basically told her that she needs to figure out a way to try and let the past go, forgive me, believe that I can be different and try to love me again-- or we can make the separation "official" so that I can go about finding someone in my life who does want to love and be with me.
I know there is someone out there. I am a freakin catch.
I am sympathetic if what my wife is going through is MLC... for sure. But everyone has their breaking point and I pretty much hit mine this week.
Again, though I've only been posting for a while I've been supporting her, loving her, and letting her go through this since last July. Its been a long time. I don't have another 6 months in me... especially if she is with another guy.
you all are amazing how you can do it as long as you all have...
One concern folks here would have is that you secretly hope this will shock some sense into her, when none exists. Be sure of your motives, and honestly willing to accept all unintended results.
You're talking about starting a journey that passes near dangerous cliffs and you should go carefully. Not saying don't go where you want, just be careful for yourself and the kids.
Ok Bradley, nice surrender speech. I dont believe it. You are just going through the ebbs and floods that happen to a person in your situation. Dont make any rash decisions. Dont even make a decision this weekend. Why not just spend time with your boys instead and not talk anything out with your W. I think you need much more time to think and gather thoughts of others on this forum.
I know that J3B said to not make a timeline. I differ on this a bit in that I think it is good to set a timeline for yourself with a condition that it can be changed. It helps to give yourself a target so as to have some sort of sanity of your situation. I think if you were to talk to a counselor, they may help give you some guidance on personal goals, objectives and timelines. How is your golf swing? Could you maybe take a lesson to fine tune it?
Before you decide to move on and become a catch for someone, you cant leave that door partly open. There is a dynamic that could occur if you find someone else. Your W may all of a sudden decide that she is really going to lose you and may come to some huge awakening. However, that would be very unfair to the new lady you meet.
I dated and found someone before my divorce was final. I dont know if it had anything to do with my W asking for another chance, but there could have been some jealousy on her part. I dont really care as I had closed the door in my mind on her before dating so it made no difference to me. Even if I had not met the new person, I would not ever want my W back because I learned she lacked the strength to piece a marriage back to a happy state.
You have time on your side. Use it to your advantage. First learn to detach and be content in your own shell before making any life changing decisions.
You are a catch, hell I'm thinking about switching teams.
...
Look man, some really blunt honest talk right now.
You do this, and you can always blame her for the divorce. Always. And in your next relationship you can bail when things get fukcing hard too. For 9 years you went through hell. And for 9 years she supported you.
So she is going through her hell. And where is Bradley?
Unless you give this your all and then some?
You will regret, no matter how super hot Victoria Secret/pornstar your next lady is. You will regret your action somewhere in your heart. And a part of you will wonder about your dedication.
You take the long look down the road and will do as you are talking about doing. You will quit. You look at making it until tomorrow? That's how you walk across America, one step at a time, and you pull yourself along one mile at a time.
Was is correct, many think this will shock them out of it.
You confront her and she will act like a cornered animal. And you will force her hand into something you do not want.
You are talking a few months or a year or 2 out of...40 or 50?
A rebuilt relationship is better than anything you can imagine. It is better than it ever was, and the milk and honey days of wild sex.
The complaint of needing companionship... Toss one out or look up codependancy.
Yeah I know what its like to miss that. But GDammit, your going to let the chemicals in your body dictate what happens?
Bradley,
I believe this course of action you think will fix everything, is actually going to leave you with scars.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thank you all for your heartfelt help and words... really. it means a lot to me.
I am listening to what you are saying, and I will really try to do it.
Kerry-- I have been working on my golf a little. was supposed to go and play drums in a band tonight. I need to find a better way to detatch. I haven't found it yet.
I know I'm early on, but I feel like every day has been groundhog day for about 3 months now...
