Don't know where to post this.

[loveherstill]

Still studying. SC has a lot of posts. On a positive note, I had the perfect opportunity to go to the house, access the computer and spy, but I did not. I realized that I already know about the affair as she has admitted it and any info I find may be true or false. She has lied to me, herself, and others; she has also told the truth. So which would I find through snooping? I don't know and it is not worth finding something that will upset me more if the chances of it being a lie is 50%. If I am angry I would confront her and that would just set me back further.

[loveherstill]

Looking for input from some FWAW on the email above.

[loveherstill]

Ok, I think that I am ready to formulate a plan. I found out that W and OM have exchanged ILY's for the first time last night. Then they fought about that. I also found out that W thinks I am hot and a good provider but does not know for sure which of us me or OM she wants. She also said that she will be hurt for the first few times if I start to date but eventually she will get over it.

Now for the self 2X4: all of the above found through snooping.

I should not have done that, but now I know she is still physically attracted to me and she still cares about me. I need to build on that.

She was angry with me acting like the only victim in all of this but she wrote that five days before I sent the above email.

Now today she is sending me text jokes, calling me and inviting me over to make homemade pizza with the boys and her tonight, and asking for my help in going to the house and setting out ingredients to thaw.

It was while at the house I could not resist urge to look. I did not go over until she invited me however.

[loveherstill]

What I have learned so far is that she has abandonment issues and because of me body image issues.

I think that I need to be here for her when she asks for help with things that are not just monetary.

I need to listen to her and validate her feelings no matter how much venom she spews.

I will show her physical affection when she is receptive to it. I will concentrate on hugs and light touch and only go further if she initiates. I will withhold physical affection when she has gone and seen OM for at least one full day.

She still acts as though she wants to date me, so I will ask her out occasionally but I will let her pick the activity (she just accepted my invitation for this Saturday).

I destroyed her self esteem by making her feel fat and ugly. I will tell her that she is beautiful, call her sexy, compliment her outfit, eyes, smile, etc. when I see her. These compliments will not be sexual unless she moves that way first.

She did enjoy flirting by text and sexting with me. I need to try that again.

I need to remain available to her but not to the point of being at her beck and call. It is ok for her to think that I am busy and at times I need to be.

I was taking dancing lessons and I need to restart them.

When around the children I need to make them the center of my attention so that I can develop a deeper relationship with them. She also notices and smiles when I do this.

I need more help as I am going there tonight and I do not want to mess up a chance to impress her.

[TrentC]

I should not have done that, but now I know she is still physically attracted to me and she still cares about me. I need to build on that.

It can be possible to outshine the OM; it's not as easy or glamorous as affair-busting, but it can work.

1) Do not discuss the other man at all. Stop snooping; if she catches you, it will look weak and petty.
2) Find out what it is that she's getting from the OM (other than the obvious); some need she had was not getting filled, and she found it somewhere else. Does he tell her how hot she looks? Does he take out to eat and spend quality time with her? The Five Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs are good resources to understand what this means.
3) Keep working on your 180s and GAL.

[loveherstill]

From OM she gets validation of beauty. He tells her often she is beautiful, hot, sexy and treats her like the only woman in the room. All the stuff I did years ago.

He also is there as a shoulder to cry on without judging her or making her feel guilty.

He has only taken her out 2 times and they have been together 11 times. He has ignored her and left her setting at a friends house while he was drinking with his buddies until almost 10:00 pm. Then he told her he had to work that late and they would not be able to go out. He was home by 6 pm that day. He is interested in sex, she is interested in verbal validation and gives up sex as the price of keeping the validation going.

That being said her an om have fought some and I think that helps me.

I just need help in formulating the plan.

SC put her husband through hell for 12 months and his willingness to take it proved he was being less controlling for her. Mine is not rubbing my face in her A but she is not hiding it either.

Thanks for the help

[gucci loafer]

As long as you show how weak you are by allowing your wife to share herself with two men you are doomed.

I GUARANTEE you that she isn't going to come back and dump the OM as long as you allow her to cake eat. How silly of you..


You want to prove to your wife who the better man is?

Then show her how much you respect yourself by SHOWING her that you love yourself enough that not only will you let her go, but that you think it to be for the best because three people in a relationship doesn't work.


The guy that will win her here is the guy thta shows her he doesn't need her.... I would take my chances on being that guy.

I can't recall the last time I saw a reconcilation happen when the BS fought to be the better man. It doesn't work.

[TrentC]

From OM she gets validation of beauty. He tells her often she is beautiful, hot, sexy and treats her like the only woman in the room. All the stuff I did years ago.

He also is there as a shoulder to cry on without judging her or making her feel guilty.

Sounds like good places to start, then.

That being said her an om have fought some and I think that helps me.

By that measure, all of the fighting you and W have done helps him a lot more.

You don't know why they fought. Maybe she's having second thoughts about leaving and he's pressing her to stay. Maybe they argued about where her stuff will fit in his place. You can't go around comparing their relationship to yours.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ok, I think that I am ready to formulate a plan. I found out that W and OM have exchanged ILY's for the first time last night. Then they fought about that. I also found out that W thinks I am hot and a good provider but does not know for sure which of us me or OM she wants. She also said that she will be hurt for the first few times if I start to date but eventually she will get over it.

Now for the self 2X4: all of the above found through snooping.

No 2x4s from me. Good intel.

I agree with Gucci. After studying thousands of affairs, I've yet to see the "be the nicer guy" thing work. Not saying that it HASN'T; just I've never seen it.

I HAVE seen, many times, the "I respect myself too much to allow this crap behavior," strong-stance stuff work.

Puppy

[loveherstill]

As long as you show how weak you are by allowing your wife to share herself with two men you are doomed.

I GUARANTEE you that she isn't going to come back and dump the OM as long as you allow her to cake eat. How silly of you..


You want to prove to your wife who the better man is?

Then show her how much you respect yourself by SHOWING her that you love yourself enough that not only will you let her go, but that you think it to be for the best because three people in a relationship doesn't work.


The guy that will win her here is the guy thta shows her he doesn't need her.... I would take my chances on being that guy.

I can't recall the last time I saw a reconcilation happen when the BS fought to be the better man. It doesn't work.

Are you sure gucci?

She was ready to dump him twice until I acted as if I did not need her. When I give her the validation she asks for she does not go see him. She still talks to him but she does not go see him. She is questioning her own actions right now but she does not want to come back to a guy who is only a victim. I showed her that I can accept blame for parts of our problems in the above email.

I cut off her cake eating once and she ran away so fast it made my head spin. Those abandonment issues again.

I am only treating her as my wife when she is attentive and loving to me (ie: acting as my wife) when she is not I am with holding affection.

I understand that this may not be the correct approach that is why I ask for help.