What to do, what to do?

[LuLu]

It's been awhile since I've posted. I really feel like I need the support here more now than ever, so I'm back. H and I have been going to MC every two weeks. He's told me as recently as last week that he's not in love with me anymore and doesn't think he wants a relationship with me. H met with OW 2 weeks ago. First time they saw each other in months. OW is trying to win back her H and is very depressed. She called up my H crying and said she wanted to see him. He was there within hours. I only found out because OW-STBXH emailed me about it, she told him, we suspect she's trying to get her H jealous. Drama, drama. Psycho, psycho.

Long story short, H says there was no connection there any more and that he really wanted to tell me about them meeting but I didn't give him the chance (more lies). Who knows. I want to believe him but right now, I don't. It's hard to believe someone who has proven himself to be a liar.

All that's left to do right now is to keep working on me. I really wanted to throw in the towel and I even sent him an email as such. I told him that I understood that he didn't want to be with me anymore and if he wanted to get separation papers together, I would sign them. I really was prepared to take the next step, yeah, I was acting on emotion but I was still tired of getting disrespected.

Surprisingly to me, he emailed me saying he wasn't ready to give up yet. He said that he was sorry that he hasn't fallen back in love with me but he wanted to, he just didn't know how. He also thought that we should keep going to MC. MC has been eye-opening for him. He admitted to me that he has never bought into the counseling stuff but our MC is really great. Often times I feel like I am sitting in on his counseling session. She really is good at what she does.

As I type this all, I realize what a big step this was for H and that I should be grateful. It's just so hard when he tells me, often at that, that he doesn't love me anymore or that he doesn't want to have a relationship with me. Or better yet, when he goes to see OW!! That f*cker!

In a nutshell, yes, we're in MC but no, I don't feel like we're piecing. We're still separated and he still has no desire to hang out with me. I don't think I would ever see him if we didn't have children together.

Okay, enough about him. What am I going to do?

My goals this week:

1. Shut my mouth. Seriously, I talk entirely too much and don't listen enough.

2. Repeat what he says for clarity. MC says we are not hearing each other and we react. This is true.

3. Actually sign up for the 5K I keep threatening to do. I don't run but I'm determined to do something that challenges me and gets me out of my comfort zone. This would certainly fit the bill, as long as I don't keel over.

4. Put into practice PMA. Life really is pretty good. Yes, my marriage is in the sh1tter but otherwise, life isn't so bad. I have a lot to be thankful for.

5. Stop reacting emotionally. Emotions need to be put in check. Seriously.

6. Work on my consistency. I have been so hot/cold from the onset. This is not a good thing. I'm sure I've confused the crap out of him and myself too! No more. I know this is Ego related on my part and it's time to acknowledge it and let it go. I want my marriage to succeed. Rinse and repeat.


Fun stuff going on this week:

1. Comedy Club with friends from the Sep/Div Meetup group tonight

2. Play date with friends at my house on Friday

3. Taking the kids bowling for the first time this weekend

4. Church & dinner with the kids Saturday- I'm determined to go to church. I think I need some religion, outside of just Easter and Christmas, ha.

5. Girl time with my friend tomorrow night. I'm coloring her hair. Never done it before but hey, she asked! Plus, she's prego so more wine for me.