Cocopuff is doing well...after 2 week long stints in the hospital hooked up to electrodes, they think they finally have her pegged as (are youready???)
atypical Sandifer's SYndrome
which means her seizures are physical and not neurological and that she has really bad reflux (she has the worst grade Children's hospital has seen)
of course she has follow-up MRIs and EEGs as her "seizures" are pretty severe (used to be called grand mal...now tonic/clonic)
I am still paranoid because I am neurotic but Coco is all aglow...it is the best possible outcome to her issues
I hate when my kids learn crappy lessons from me but you are right...how can you get pissed when it was you that taught them???
I really worried that teh boys would learn how to treat women because of how I allowed myself to be treated (not even so muc how their dad treated me...that was his junk...how I reacted was mine)
It is so hard right now, seeing the damage that was done by me and by X. D19 was home from college the last few weeks and it was nice to have all 4 kids together, but it also drove home to me how dysfunctional my life was. The older two girls did a lot of "joking and teasing" of the younger two and me. I realized that they have inherited their dad's style of joking, which when you get right down to is mean. He was always quick to point out everything negative and mask it in a joke. As the years went on I finally got the courage to tell him it hurt my feelings when he was so negative and derogatory. He basically told me I was wrong for feeling hurt because he was just kidding. It was just one more wedge between us. I have struggledd with the younger two to make them see that mean does not equal funny. And we are doing pretty good with it....then the older two were here together, and it was a big step back. I found myself slipping into a dark mood, and having some anxiety again. I didn't address them with it either, but I think next time I will hae to, because I am not going back down that trail of feeling bad about myself becauses of the negativity.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I have found that the people in my life (family, kids, friends, students) respond much better to me when i say
you know what???I made a mistake and I handled this wrong and I don't want you to think it is OK...then I list what I did wrong and how it hurt them and me
I can be mean sometimes too and i am always sorry for being mean because usually it isn't the other person I want to be mean to...usually it is something that is bothering me and I take it out on other people
saying it outloud reminds not just me but other people that maybe it is not ok to do that
(for instance...my son was being sloppy headed and didn't get his stuff done even though i reminded him several hundred times...i let lose on him and called him a nasty name (dumbhead or soemthing) but really...while i was angry at him because he was irresponsible, I was more angry that it seemed like a reflection of me and or my parenting, you know...i told him i was sorry and he wasn't a dumbhead, i was just freustrated because it seemed like i cared more about his school stuff than he did and maybe i did but that was my problem and if he chose to fail, that was his choice, not mine)
maybe an approach like that would work with your older kids
maybe an approach like that would work with your older kids
I struggle still with how to deal with all of my kids. It is a little easier with the younger two, but I still have difficulties. I still sometimes feel like I have to do what they want in order for them to love me. I felt that way in my marriage, and I guess I haven't totally freed myself from that thinking yet. It was when I started doing things that he disagreed with that the marriage really fell apart. So I stood up for myself and made decisions and X left me, and now I fear a replay. Ugh, X really messed up my head!!!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Oh, that is not a good way of thinking when it comes to raising the kids - it can actually harm their development. Kids will test and push you to find the limits, the boundaries that they need. By asserting those boundaries, you are proving to them that you CARE and love them enough to make the hard decisions. You can't try to be their friend or worry if they "like" you - they need you to LOVE them. There are lots of good books on this....
Maybe I should clarify. I am firm with discipline, especially with my two younger ones (the older two are adults.) I tend to let the negative joking slide a little, and that's how I ended up feeling a bit down. I was talking about it with a friend of mine (who is getting her masters degree to become a therapist!) and she brough up the fact that part of their behavior is based on their age. In their teens and early adulthood people as a whole tend to be "competitive". Their negativity is part of that mind-set (not just the X's fault) as they strive for dominance. I think it is particularly strong in them right now as there is a little inner-power struggle going on between D19 and D22. D22 was always the golden child. She excelled in school, was a great athlete, and D19 was always in her shadow. Now D22 has graduated from college and is a little lost, not working in the area she studied and trying to get into some sort of graduate program. D19 is doing great in college and has actually exceeded D22 in athletic recognition (something extrememly important to X.) D19 made 2nd team all conference this year as a sophomore and the coach has named her as a team captain for next year (when she is a junior), neither of which D22 achieved. D22 made all conference tournament team as a senior, and was captain her senior year. D19 will be the first junior ever made captain of the team. (Both daughters attended the same college and played for the same coach.) So I think part of their behavior is based on a power struggle that may not recognize. With all that being said, I do know that next time they are home together, I will keep a closer eye on the way things are going, and intervene when the joking becomes negative. I do not want those feelings back....it was way too reminiscent of the later years of my marriage.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
