So, we talked last night. 2 hours. About the past and the present About how he feels it is a process and he is trying to "retrieve (correct?) our happiness back". So, he actually looks back and sees us happy. That is a first!! I may have been too pushy, I tried and tried not to blame but there were moments I blew it. Especially when he recalls the history in a way that it isn't right or fair. He said he turned to her when we had problems. According to dates etc, our REAL problems started when he met her. Until then, we were a couple just been through some tough times, I was trying to 'reconnect" after having 2 kids healthy for the first time after 3 years and he connected with her.
It pisses me off when he considers our fighting critical. WE DID NOT FIGHT, apart from the normal things, we started fighting when he met her and was coming home late, completely detached and gradually becoming colder and meaner. His memory stops about then but he doesnt connect the two. To him it was irrelevant.
We talked about dates, we talked about money. He really pissed me off. He said his affair never deprived his family from anything material. Only he didn't save the money he spent with her. BS!!!
He said his mind clicked this summer, he got tired of her and finished it in his head. That as you can tell, made me shiver. I asked him directly if that means his mind could re click the opposite direction or to other directions even... He said no, his comment was about her and him.
We laughed, we got mad, we hugged, we kissed, we fought. It could have been better. But it wasnt. I told him I freaked out with him moving more stuff and he said he cant understand why since we both want to be together, that should be our next step.
He said he knows he bought her presents, but cant remember what. It came up. That little thing hurt very much because it is definitely a lie, trying to avoid to...hurt me? It's BS. He cant understand, that right now, there very few things that will hurt me more than how much I have been hurt in the past, except one:lies...
I told him in an email I need transparency. I am obsessing and if he wants us together, he needs to help. I wont back off, I will not accept anything less. I will make a point about how serious I am about this tonight. I dont know how, I will think of something.
I am hurting over the fact that he was so intimate with her. Not sexually, not only sexually, more about the real connection and the effort he put into that relationship, effort I am not seeing now, connection I am not feeling.
Piecing after an A hurts like hell. Not sure why I am doing this. My stomach is killing me and my heart feels like it is bleeding. Its a constant numb pain. I trust it will go away, sometime... K
