Trying to move on

[awest1217]

Just something for you, what are you scared of? Are you scared she will file because she hasn't yet and sitting down is not filing? Are you scared you will argue and push her farther away? Are you scared you won't get what you want because you will give in? Really self-evaluate and find out why you chickened out. It is a good chance for you to really look inward at what is making you tick. There is nothing wrong with post-poning the talk, especially if you are not ready. You need to be completely ready to sit down and talk about this because if you do it too early, it won't work. So now think about why you are not ready and address those issues with yourself and use them to help you grow.

[mishka422]

Very good thoughts awest. CTH - listen to her, she's positively right. Truly examine what your underlying fear is and deal with it before you talk to your w.

[ClingingToHope]

I just don't think I'd handle it well emotionally. When we talk on the phone I really concentrate on keeping an even tone. Yet I'm pacing, running my hands through my hair.

The last thing I want from her is more pity. I'm in a tough spot because it really is in my best interest to get a good deal out of her and not go through attorneys.

[awest1217]

So what I am hearing is you are afraid by talking to her in person you won't get the best deal because you won't be able to get her to give you that. Then you will have to go through an attorney and not get what you want, which mostly is less money and more time with the girls. Is that right?

If it is, then that is a legitimate fear, and writing down what you want that may be worse for her, but is more than what you really want is good, then you can come down to what you want. I know that might be a little manipulation, but that is how business works. Maybe have a friend role play with you. Tell them to be the worst they can be so you can be ready for it.

[ClingingToHope]

Perhaps I should try the role-playing thing because W called today and said if we can't meet Saturday then can we meet Sunday?

I agreed. Then I figured I might as well wade in and say a big thing for me is joint physical custody. She's suspicious. She doesn't want to get locked into something that could change in three years.

We went through the debt and she knows she needs to take a big chunk of it but won't be able to get the money. She said perhaps we do a payment plan.

Then there's the house and the fact she can't afford to stay there if I lower the payments. We still can't sell it -- or at least can't sell it without taking a loss.

After it was over I felt like I was about to throw up.

I came back and sent her an email with my beginning proposals, saying I wanted to get as much of it done beforehand as possible.

I've felt awful ever since, but I'm trying to right myself. I have to yank the bandaid off. I've been thinking why it hurts so much. Why I'm afraid as Awest says. I've had a crush on W since I was 18 years old. I'm afraid I'll never find someone who gives me that special feeling again.

Of course, W always thought that was part of our problem. When I looked at her, I didn't see the unhappy, angry, aging W and instead kept seeing the beautiful 16-year-old I met years ago and pining for her return.

I thought that was love.

[ClingingToHope]

Long talk with sister and my boss, who went through a divorce. I have a very good plan for Sunday.

First, I'm going to ask her to come to the apartment. I don't want to negotiate the end to my marriage in a house I put 12 years of my life into.

Second, when she gets there I'm going to simply ask her what she thinks is fair and then let her draw it out. This will be a major role reversal. I always kind of laid the finances out and presented the options.

Basically, my L told me I'm screwed if this goes to court and I need to see if I can get a better deal from W. She's said she's willing to discuss it because she knows the debt she ran up is going to hurt.

So once she's laid out what she thinks is fair, I'll ask her if I can think it over. And if it's a better deal than I can get in court and what I'm paying now then I'll take it.

I do not want to fight, mope, plead, yell. I want it to be just business so I can get on with rebuilding my life and she can get on with this great life she's been imagining she'll have if she just wasn't married to me.

[ClingingToHope]

Well, the next set of pain begins. W responded to my email yesterday. She saw it as demands. It did read that way and I sent her a text after saying they weren't demands. She said that was an afterthought.

This part of the process is going to suck and I really doubt we'll be able to get it done on our own. I know there are mediators in other states. I'll bring it up to her.

She responded to some points but not the main one -- joint physical custody.

[ClingingToHope]

Weird. I do not feel down about W's email. When it comes to money, I've always been able to focus. Perhaps this will be the least emotional part of the process for me.

[ClingingToHope]

W called. All business. She heard back from her pension administrator. After 15 years her pension plan is worth just $23,900. That's weird. Mine was worth $25,000 when my company was sold in 2006. And I'd been there just 10 years.

Anyway, she can pull money out in case of divorce by filing a QDRO. The difference in her pension and my IRA is $14,000 so that's $7,000 she owes me that I'll be able to get.

That plus the fact she should be able to refi her 401(k) loan and I'm feeling a lot better about getting out of this debt crunch she put me under.

Weird thing. She told D10 they likely won't move until she goes to high school. That's three years. That'll be interesting since she's barely getting by now.

[ClingingToHope]

I've discovered a secret. The greatest way to development detachment is to focus on the money. I was thinking this afternoon that W's mom should be paying her taxes soon on her campground.

We've paid that for her the past three years. $500. I wonder how that discussion will go?