Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Well, she has left for the airport and I begin the journey of working on me and detaching from her. Right off the bat, little to no sleep. She was up real late packing, stuff all over our bed. I went down and fell asleep on the couch, until our bed was cleared and then went to sleep...she didn't come into bed until and hour or two after that. As she left, she said she'd call me when she got in tonight. I didn't ask or mention it, she offered that. When she came into bed last night, I asked a simple question - confirm for me the time of the girls ski lessons you made, she told me, and then is there anything else with them that I need to know about. Her answer was we'll be talking and e-mailing so if I think of anything I'll let you know. So I guess my point is, easy/simple for me to allow her to initiate all contact.

I almost smirked which wouldn't have been good as she was leaving. She walked up to me smiling and started to come in for a kiss goodbye, out of habit obviously, and then obviously caught herself and made it hug instead. I found that humorous.

At this point, I don't know that I have enough to confront about the EA again or not. Guess need to think it thru a bit more. Really, all I have is the fact she called the tracfone twice on Monday and by snooping on the tracfone, know they talked for 18 minutes last Friday. Not sure that is enough proof. Will ponder that and post something at some other point about it. For now, I absolutely just need to quit obsessing over it.

I just want the EA to end - yes, I tend to impatient, that is probably why I say it. I also think it is blow to the ole male ego to be honest and yes I am the type that wants to be a fixer. I feel, and I might be wrong, but I feel that I don't get a shot at "us" working on the M if she is still in EA with OM. So to me, it seems the EA is the road block, and as a man, I like to remove road blocks and fix things.

I don't know that I was settling over one or two e-mails a week, the problem is I had no proof. That was/is gut feel because she has covered her tracks and I just had to stop checking so much, it was consuming me and that wasn't healthy. I realize a couple of e-mails a week is all it will take. I concur NC is the priority, but she is just going to lie to me and say there is none if I don't have any proof.

The suicide changed things just because it was such a major curve ball and caused so many twists and turns. First the fact that she turned to me initially for emotional support and then for the first time, I experienced the pull back; then the flood of personal/internal emotions the memorial caused for me, many of which were not M or R related. I felt like I had a good plan and good road map to take things slow and work on myself and detaching and all that before the suicide. But that event threw it all out the water, temporarily. It turned me into a full-time working parent (she has done basically nothing since this event), it put her back into her fog (noticeably deeper fog, very similar to when EA was strong/thriving except there is guilt/concern over kids), and I've gotten very little sleep (that will change tonight!). I don't think it has as much to do with OM as with all the rest.

I won't buy any of the lawyer excuses if she would ever try to go there. No way, no how. And the friends crap has never cut it with me.

So, for the next couple of days, I actually want to stop focusing on the EA and when/how to confront. I can come back to that and mull over this great advice, see if others chime in, and then put my thoughts out there for people to help me with. For today, I need a no anxiety, no obsession kind of day. I need to start seriously detaching and I need sleep tonight.

I guess I need to get voicemail set up on my phone, it's not right now. Yes she will be with one other from the office, a man whom I like/respect a lot, in fact it is the one she said to me the other night "just please make sure you don't confide in him about our issues." For today, she said she would call when she got settled (I did not ask about this/for this...she brought it up), which will be the end of the day, so that shouldn't be an issue. I won't send her a thing. She sent me her itinerary over e-mail and mentioned that at least 3 times for some reason. She mentioned it again this morning before she left and I just replied, I see that you sent something, but I never got around to opening that e-mail, I'm sure though the itinerary made it thru fine.

I do look forward to these days on my own. I thought I would dread it when I first learned about it, but now I look forward to it. She even mentioned to me that I probably look forward to the sleep, and I said yes I am and in fact, I will probably take a sleeping pill the first night just to make sure I get the rest I am lacking. At which point, she surprised the heck out of me when she asked if I had any extra sleeping pills that she could take with her (they are over the counter medication). I do and I told her where they were. I am shocked because I guess in mind, I envisioned her staying up late chatting it up either on computer or pay phone with OM. When she was deep in the throws of the EA, she was sleeping so little I didn't know how she was surviving and it was because she was up talking to him or getting all the work done that she hadn't because of talking to OM. So I figured this trip would be more of the same.

Ok, enough rambling by me. Thanks again, and Sandi, maybe I should go out and look for some cologne this week. You and Greek got me thinking about that one...the smell good/create mystery...wearing cologne is something I really never have done.