What to do when H doesn't contact?

[Goodfight]

Thanks for the encouragment, I could really use it today. Really depressed.

[dday101798]

Sorry, not on much if at all during the weekends lately.

Hope today is better for you.

[Goodfight]

Well, I had to text H to let him know that our D13 that is an honor student is failing the 7th grade and asked if he could please talk to her. She was with him yesterday for the day and she came home mad because I told him. She says to me that H said if I call him anymore (which I haven't), she will be punished when she is with him. I was such a mess and couldn't understand why he would say something like that unless he was in one of his moods.

So I called because I wanted to verify her story. Here he said he told her that if I called and her grades were not improving that she would be punished at his apartment when she is with him. He was nice about the whole thing. I cut him short and said ok, just checking and said I had to go.

[K4D]

At least the 2 of you are on the same page with D13. It was good that you called to clear that up. Can't let the kids manipulate you like that.

Kevin

[Goodfight]

I was just afraid Kevin that me contacting him would ruin me going dark but I needed to clear that one up. And to think she wants us back together again.

[dday101798]

GF,

As you know, you can't completely 'go dark' when children are involved, especially school issues.

As K4D says and I can tell you first hand, yes, the kids will play on both of you. It's unfortunate that at this point in time yours seems to be focusing on playing into the hostilities of things. Mine did the same. But after enough of (x)W and I putting our issues aside long enough to handle issues with the kids, the kids started to play on the good side of things. They saw and were told, mom loves and dad loves you, and when they'd question that and be like 'well then why can't you love each other?' and we both said we do, and that gets back and forth too.

I know S11 is still very angry inside with (x)W over all that's happened. So, he still does create a little mischif and alter waht she says from time to time.

[Goodfight]

DDay, do you have any more suggestions on how to get H to talk? Not about R or M but something or do I wait until he contacts me. I'm afraid I won't ever hear from him for some reason. It seems like he has gone dark. I know you told me to go dark but with both of us going dark how does a person start to reconcile?

[dday101798]

Time apart is so detrimental!!!!! I can't even begin to describe it.

Like I said, this time I GAVE UP. I became the WAS in the aspect that I deemed the entire situation dead. The M was over, W still harbored so much hostility, it was pointless and to just actually go forth with life and do the best for the kids.

It did get hard to handle issues about the kids with neither of us willing to speak to the other. After some issues with the school, I had no choice but to inact upon the "Conflict Dispute Resolution" clause of our parenting agreement and give W a formal letter of complaint and outline that we were not working in tandem with the spirit of the agreement and it was effecting the kids well being. I even quoted the passage that defines the whole purpose of the agreement. I also re-ittereated to her in the letter, I gave her what she wanted in a divorce and that it makes no sense to continue to harbor that anger and angst against me.

That is where things started to come together.

Then, as I just found out this past weekend, an outside influence. I believe it may have been the very same night I gave her that letter with her support payment, I took the kids out to my favorite local resteraunt in town there. Little did I realize, her father and his GF were a mere 2 tables away from us. His GF ended up coming over to table and made small talk as she "just couldn't handle it".

I never said a word to (x)FIL, the man who after a rough start we had 13 years ago I came to just call 'dad'. I never really had one. He in turn declared me one of his own sons, especially in light of my dedication to return to school for the betterment of family finances and he was ever so proud of what I was doing.

Anyway, apparently after he left the resteraunt, he went to W's house (his actually) and literally cornered her and chewed her out for what she says felt like hours. She says he was screaming at her to wake up and figure out what she is doing/done. And that he couldn't stand the fact he had to be "forced" to dislike me in favor of supporting his daughter and how much it hurt to stop loving a son.

That said, I don't think there's any one real moment of epiphany that will smack your H upside the head. I look at my sitch and conclude it's a series of events that slowly wears the original WAS down. For me, the kids, our friends, family (mine severed her off, I've never known my grandmother to have a resentful bone in her body, but she cut W off at the knees, her family stopped having holiday gatherings all together after she showed up with OM), and then after all that, all that "what are you doing", "are you happy with what you've done?", the day comes that they (the original WAS) is now the LBS. The original LBS, like me, finally gave up and started to go about life the best as possible. Then the feeling of regret and remorse really starts to sink in and fluster the now LBS.

Something similar needs to happen with your H, plain and simple.

After all, it takes the 2 members of the broken relationship to want to repair it (reconcille). Unfortunately, he's not there yet.

And as shown in my case, the BOTH of you "going dark" may just be the key ingredient to make you BOTH miss each other and want to try to work it out. Not just YOU.

[Goodfight]

The only problem is with all of the lies he told his family they would never stick up for me other wise tell him to wise up and look at what he is doing/has done. They believe the lies and are 100% behind him in the divorce. He claims that they are 100% backing him up no matter what he does but I think that is another one of his lies. His family hasn't even contacted the kids other wise me to see if we needed anything or to hear my side of the story.

[dday101798]

Ok GF, I got to get a little blunt here for sec...

Do you think you're the only one that has had a bunch a lies told about them with all this?

No.

That is most the reason why W's family doesn't do gatherings anymore, all the crap and filth that was cast about.

And honestly, for my FIL to allow her to move into HIS house, with OM, AFTER he had clearly said she could not live in our house with any male in any shape or form until we were divorced? There had to be some really good stories there. Some of which my FIL verified with me, some not. A lot of what he did question were fish stories. Yeah, the event or accusation happened, but was all blown out of proportion.

Let his family believe what they want to believe. They know him well enough to eventually if not already know that it's horsesh!t. Shame on them for not being concerned of the kids, that is hteir own ignorance to deal with. But, common result of a family in peril is his family wants nothing to do with it or conflict with you, much the same as yours to him. They'll side with him, and yours will side with you. That's family for ya.