Question

[ClingingToHope]

I had a similar experience, just not as dramatic as yours. I spent 7 hours with W on Christmas and we just got along so well.

But the reality is that she was just being polite. That, as of now, there's nothing in her heart for me.

We talked last week and she's still ready, eager even to get a divorce. So I emotionally crashed as well.

This weekend D10 told me that W has been depressed and crying a lot over work. I've always felt that job of hers is going to kill her. She just cares so much and so wants to advance and be in charge and it just isn't happening.

I realize now that I'm too attached to the M, that it became my identity. Look at me, the perfect family man.

W is too attached to her career.

I felt better after D10 told me that. W is putting on an awful brave front when she does see me.

I know there's a long way from realizing it wasn't me that was making her unhappy to actually wanting to be married to me. Still, I feel strangely satisfied.

In your case? I don't know the hold he has on you. If you are truly ready to say it's all or nothing then why don't you file?

[awest1217]

I am not filing because...

1. If at all possible, I want my marriage to work. The change for me or what I have learned from the past month is that instead of letting him walk on me, I am going to make him change or just not talk to him.

2. I don't have the money, $400 to my name, and now that H is not contacting me again I believe it is back to no child support, which means no seeing S. However with H not contacting me, he is not getting his mail, which will be important in the next few months since he will need to file taxes.

3. I don't want H to see S at all. For almost 10 months now, H has been just a play mate. He has not had any real contact although I am not denying him. He does not call or even ask to see S on his own. When I encouraged it, he refused to see him on his own. H is really messed up in a lot of things, porn and some other things that I don't feel is right to say here, that I don't want S to be around. When I talked to the L, she said no matter what because of where I live, H could go to jail and he would still win visitation in a D unless he waives his rights. I want him to waive his rights then he wouldn't ever have to pay child support and I would never deal with him again, but I am worried if I file he will start wanting to see S and it is just not a good environment for S.

4. I feel that giving him the divorce is rewarding him for being a horrible person and giving him exactly what he wants, while making me look like the "bad guy" so I don't want to give in to his manipulation.

Right now I am perfectly content not talking to H not ever seeing him and just living my life without him. My only problem right now is he has a house key which bothers me because he could come in at any time, but I can't get it back and I have no money right now to get new locks again (I changed them in April, but stupid me, I gave him a key when he moved back in, in October and never got it back.) Besides that, I could care less that I am married. I am just going to have fun. Even if I divorced, I would not date for a while because I have always been the type of person to give time between relationships to make sure I didn't hurt anyone, so in a while if someone comes along and I can save the money, I will divorce H then. Right now I am just focusing on the now because last year at this time, I would have never thought I would be in this place so I now know I never know what will happen.

[ClingingToHope]

The visitation thing is an excellent point. In my case, being M and knowing my W is running around was really bothering me. It took my L painting a tough financial picture to snap me out of it. Finances win out over pride.

I'm better off living in Limboland for a while so I'm really focusing on not caring what she does.

I wonder if he goes several months without seeing S if that could help you -- in a future case -- prove he abandoned his rights?

That's a question for your L.

Sorry about your finances. That's tough. I was very, very, very lucky to find not one but two part-time jobs that fit my schedule. I couldn't do either of them though if I had my girls full-time.

[awest1217]

When I went to the L, I went prepared to ask a bunch of questions. She knows exactly my concerns with H having S and she said according to the courts he would still get visitation even with everything I know, and bringing it all up would actually hurt me more than him so I might as well stay quiet because what I have now is the best deal I will probably get.

Also the L said that unless it is years, months mean nothing to the courts so I have no leg to stand on when it comes to abandonment. I kind of have to do what you have done. If he files, ok, but if not I am happy with not ever talking to him again. What I want is a divorce where I get S completely, H waives his rights and does not pay child support in return. That is what i am getting right now so I am just going to live with it. He is not a good father like many of the dads are on here. To not even attempt to see S, pay support, or anything just boggles my mind. Oh well. I am happy and that is all that matters.

[ClingingToHope]

I hope you are happy. Tough situation. Here's a thought though. Even if he gets visitation, considering his history, who's to say he'll follow through?

Sorry it all blew up. It looked promising. How is school going?

[awest1217]

School is going a little better. My students are very disrespectful for some reason, but it could be me being so uptight with my personal situation that it is making them seem worse than they are. Also I have very large classes so that does not help any either. The larger the class, the harder it is to control, and I have to be mean instead of nice in order to keep the control. THey are doing pretty well otherwise. Grade wise less are failing than last trimester so that is good, but the hardest parts of the class are upcoming.

[Lucky11too]

I totally hear you. Very insightful posts above. I've been doing a lot of thinking as well about everything. It makes a lot of sense for me too to just keep things the way they are - I get S full time and in H's situation too, I really want him to have the least interaction as possible with him (or at least only under my or my MIL's eyes). It's just so tough though, dealing with S, dealing with the money situation, etc. I admire your positive outlook though and ability to find the happiness in your life, despite the tough situation. This is power for you though - the ability to let go of H but not the marriage and all the while finding the happiness in a life that does not revolve around H. Very empowering!

[awest1217]

Right now I have to be really careful that I don't start getting bitter and angry at H. I am not talking to him and it has been over a week since we have talked and almost a week since I have tried to intiate contact. I have to drive past his house everyday and seeing the house and him living there just boils my blood. I know OW is there and they talk all the time, although not snooping anymore :), but I still know it is happening.

H thinks it is ok to talk to OW when she wakes up, goes to bed, and many times in between because they are "just friends" and understands why it bothers me, but says it shouldn't because they're just friends. It really bothers me, but I am trying not to get bitter. Trying to stay focused on me so if by some miracly, he changes I can be ready. I can't get negative, if only he didn't live right there...and no there isn't another way I can go sadly, unless I take an extra 10 minutes in the morning and with a 2 year old I don't ahve that to spare.

[EJohn]

I'm dealing with the same thing with my W talking to the OM because she thinks they can still be friends. He took my kids for a snowmobile ride on Sunday, and then my daughter wrote about it in her schoolwork. I saw it when I was going thru her backpack. I gave it to my W and said she can have it. She just laughed it off. I was furious. But then I wrote a comment on fb about bad person vs good person making bad choices and she defriended and blocked me this morning. I let the contact get to me instead of letting it slide off my back, now we've taken a few steps back. So I can totally understand how hard it is to not be bitter and angry. So difficult with children.

[ClingingToHope]

Ejohn, I can't imagine being FB friends with my STBX. The less I know about what she's doing the better. Of course, there's no OM in the picture that I know of and even if there was I don't think W would bring him into the picture with the girls knowing how they feel about me.

Awest, yes the bitterness and anger. I talked about that a lot last night with my sister and aunt. My C said my W sounds like the kind of person who is always a step below happy and continually searching for that magic thing that will bring them up to normal functioning happiness all the time. Each time she finds it she's happy for a while and then after a while it wears off and she's searching again.

If that's true, then eventually the single life will wear off -- D10 says it already is, she said W is crying at home because of pressure from work and I'm no longer there to listen to her and let her let off steam.

When I heard that I smiled. And I felt bad about that. I really wonder how I'm going to feel and how I'm supposed to feel a year from now or two years from now if/when her life hasn't turned out how she dreamed it would be after the D.