Looking for Advice

[sandi2]

Good morning. I hope you feel more in control of your emotions today. Just remember that anytime we make decisions when our emotions are in control instead of our logical thinking side of our brain.....we're going to mess up!

Regarding Junco and his W being away for 5 days, if I remember correctly she was staying with relatives and therefore that was my reason for advising him NC. On the other hand, if your W is not with relatives then I think as her H you should call at the end of the day just to make sure she is okay, etc. Will she be with some others from the office?

I would let her calls go to VM and if anything looks urgent then you can respond. But if she's just chatting to be talking, then you need to be too busy to respond and wait until the end of the day to get back with her.

This constant "drilling" she does to you about every little bobble needs to stop. You are not her son. She is not your parent....she's your W and when she gets back home, I think that is something that needs to be straightened out. How you tell her is up to you, but you are making changes in yourself and she needs to stop asking you what's wrong and why didn't you do "whatever". It's demeaning. You are a man. You are your own person and being M doesn't stop that. You need a certain amount of privacy also!

I suspect most of her asking you "what's wrong" comes from her own guilt. She knows she's doing something she shouldn't so she's watching to see if you show any signs of discovering her secret A is still in progress.

I was thinking about just saying that she needs to think about our M while she is gone. That she needs to remember I am not willing to share her, that is disrespectful, the EA is disrespectful, as is the sneaking around. She needs to think about if she is willing to actually work on our M when she comes home or if she is ready to pack her things.

If you do this, then you will definetly tip your hand and she will prepare to either go deeper undercover--or maybe have a change of heart. The latter is very seldom. If you feel that you have all the evidence you need that she is still in an EA, then you pick the timing. Just remember that timing is everything.

Whenever you do confront her, you need to tell her that the first time you did that was not in order for the EA to "slow" down....but to end! This time she will decide to end it or you'll pack her things. Never tell her that "you" will leave. Always talk as if she will be the one leaving.

showed me the advice he gave and how he used it

If she comes back with that old excuse of him being a lawyer and giving her legal advise....don't accept it. Remind her that it is not acceptable when you asked her to stop contact with him. That's really all the reason she would need, but the other things I thought about were.......that the company has good lawyers and that the times in which they chose to talk is not appropriate for "business" call and why couldn't that have been done from the office phone instead of 5:45 when she's suppose to be in bed with you? (Do you think that was a TM?) I have read where some W's will TM while laying in bed next to their H's. They sleep with their cell phone under the pillow. That should be outlawed!

If she comes back with the old excuse that he's a "friend"....stop it right there and say, "Most people's lovers are friends, but I asked you to stop contact with him..period!" No excuse she gives you is acceptable when you have confronted her about an A and she was suppose to stop contact. Don't let her talk her way around it.

I think it will be good for her to be gone for the weekend even if she talks to OM b/c she turned to you when the suicide first happened, right? So, if you're not there by her side and you're not glued to the cell phone, then let her see how often her OM wants to pet her through this ordeal. He may go along with it for a while, but if he's busy, I think it'll get old after a while b/c he's not getting anything out of it. Just my thinking that maybe she'll see what she has in you instead of OM....but it doesn't "always" work.

Or do I call her on this tracphone while she gone...

If this is the phone you aren't suppose to know about....do not call her on it. She'll get into a fight with you over the phone and that's not good long distance. Besides, you've tipped your hand and she'll just get another one that you don't know about. She'll get better at hiding things.

I just want the EA to end. I want us to get back to where we were heading before the suicide,

Why has this suicide triggered all of this emotion in you? Is it b/c you know she's talking to OM more since the suicide or b/c you've discovered that the EA is still going on? What really changed from where it was before the suicide?

I will not (well cannot per DB and WAW principles) end the conversation with ILY

When she starts to leave, just say, "Okay, be safe now". When you start to end a phone conversation tell her to take care and you talk to her later. I've heard some couples who pride themselves in telling each other ILY before ending every single phone call.....and I think it gets to be more habit than anything else. JMHO. I understand about her leaving and while she's gone.....but maybe she'll notice.

If she tells you that she loves you, then you can reply with "You too" (if you feel you must utter something). Or you can say nothing, but keep it very non-emotional or it will get to you.

I just want the EA to end.

I see this statement more in the LBH's posts than the LBW's and I'm not sure why unless it's b/c men tend to be impatient and they are natural born "fixers" and want it fixed NOW. But don't settle just b/c you want it to be over. I think that is what you have been doing. When you told about your W still contacting OM but that you thought it was just a couple of emails a day......that is sticking your head in the sand and not wanting to face what's really going on. Just one email a week can be enough to feed the EA and keep it going. NC has to be the priority.