Tonight we are going to a psychotherapist to talk about how to handle this with daughter. I'm hoping she will dig a little and maybe make him think. At the very least help us learn to communicate where daughter is involved. Not expecting miracles, but at some point something needs to sink in somewhere right?
IF anything happens to make him think, it will be very far down the road. This is all VERY new.
You've got to back off. You've got to quit trying to make H "get it." You ARE expecting miracles, and they aren't going to happen. Back off. Back off. Back off. Focus ONLY on how to handle the S/D with DD. Do not try to get C to ask probing questions. Be uninterested in what is going on with H or with what is motivating him. Don't try to make the C see that H is crazy. Back off, back off, back off. You are WAAAYYYYYY too desperate and needy for H to even begin questioning his actions, you have got to accept where he is now, validate his feelings, and give him WAY MORE SPACE than he wants.
It will take time, and space. Get your focus off of H. Your actions should be independent of H.
I know. My journaling and thoughts on here on not reflective of my actions with h. I have not initiated any contact. I'm not engaging in conversations that he is probing about custody or financial issues. For New Years, I had a friend come over and we had a good time. He comes and goes and I pay no attention. I don't question his actions to him. When he is home, I stay in another room and go about my business. I'm generally happy when he's around, not sitting around and being depressed and feeling sorry for myself. It's just when I'm feeling like I am weak or feeling sorry for myself, rather than show him, I come on here to let it out so I can be stronger around him and daughter. I guess it's today's society of instant gratification that's got me... I'm not used to waiting for things! But I will do whatever I need to, and wait as long as I need to. I realized this weekend that he is not capable of communicating even over little things like taking the dog out. He is acting with no logic, no rhyme or reason, and no emotion. Now that I've come to that conclusion, it makes it easier to detach and go dark because he is not my husband, he is someone else right now, someone I don't know. There is no explaining his actions or thoughts, but sometimes it's hard to sit back and watch someone I love going through this crisis and cause such pain to me and daughter and our family, not to mention my family who we are both very close with. Anyway, I'm hoping I'm not a lost cause, I really am trying, I'm just really using this thread as a release. Thank you for the reality check. Genuinely. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and read. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life because I am not a sit around and wait for it to happen kind of person.
Hi everyone- I need advice on how to handle telling our daughter. We went to the therapist on Monday and I really liked what she had to say. I was just wondering if anyone had tips on what to say, any good books, etc. She is 4 and I think we are breaking the news to her this weekend. Thank you.
I'd probably not say anything to DD until you are totally certain that H is moving out in the very near future.
If you need to take some action, do something for yourself. Clean out a closet, get a manicure, go dancing, anything. Shift your focus. Fix something that you've been waiting for H to fix around the house.
H has decided he is moving out next week and wants to wait to tell DD until that day. Obviously, that is not the best way to handle it. She is already noticing that he is sleeping on the couch, at his brothers, etc. I think it's time, but I also think I want to tell her that daddy is staying at brothers for a while, nothing permanent, because I just don't think a 4 year old can grasp permanancy, especially when there's no talk of where he will permanently live.
C basically said that we need to talk and communicate, and resolve whatever issues we have because if we don't they will just follow us to our next relationships. (C didn't know that he is already in one) She was point on in everything she said and validated a lot of what I thought. However, I don't think H thought to highly of it, because it was a lot of "you need to put your egos aside and step into each other's shoes". At one point, she told him he needs to live in the same town or near the same town as us for DD's sake. I emailed him to find out when he would like to discuss what we will say to DD and when, and told him I was hoping he heard what the C said, he replied and said "I heard what she said." Not sure what that meant.
I am going back to C this week for myself unless he chooses to join me which I highly doubt. At the end, she said "you 2 have to talk. You can't even look at each other right now and that needs to stop". She didn't mess around! H got in his car when it was over and drove away. not a word. I'm hoping some of it sunk in at least for DD's sake, if not for our own mental well being and mental/physical health, because being this angry is not good for anyone's well being.
PS- I did clean out my dresser and emptied his into bags. I'm also painting the basement next weekend after he leaves, since that was the one room he painted in his team colors. I've also invited a lot of good friends and their children over next Saturday after he leaves for good so we are celebrating, rather than sitting home and feeling sorry for myself. I am definately working on me.
Let me re-phrase... C knows about H's A, but H didn't know she knew. It didn't seem relevant to bring up in our session because it was focused on DD and how to handle telling her. But I did share on my initial phone call.
H has agreed to go back to C again tomorrow, but he said I was forcing him. He said he didn't like this C or the marriage counselor. Most likely because he is hearing things he doesn't want to. I told him to find one then that he did like.
He said I am forcing him because I told him I won't talk anymore to him about important things without a counselor or mediator because the slightest questions turns into an argument. It happened 3 times just today. Each time I ended it and walked away. The last time was tonight, when he came into my bedroom and tried to egg me on. I just kept saying I will not talk to you unless someone can mediate for us, I don't want to be rude, but I am not going to answer any more questions.
Finally, when he told me I make him miserable by sitting around the house, I rolled over and didn't answer anything else. (And I guess by sitting around the house, he means taking down the tree by myself, food shopping, cooking the meals for the week, doing laundry and cleaning up the mess he and DD made.)
I actually chuckled when he said he didn't like either counselor because it's so obvious that he doesn't want to hear the truth.
So question for you all, do I let him come to the counselor appt tomorrow or will it be completely unproductive because he thinks I'm forcing him to go?
You aren't forcing him to go by setting boundaries on how/when you will communicate with him. Ignore his whining. It is his choice whether to go to C. I would address it in C though -- that is, voice your boundary, your concern about his "forcing" talk, and him trying to fight with you.
And, keep it mind, he probably has to tell himself and OW that you are forcing him so that she doesn't get pissed. So, again, just ignore it. He's a big boy, you can't force him to do things.
Well, he came to counseling. It was really good he did. We roll played telling dd this week. We decided he would have to do the talking because I am a mess. The counselor asked if he had a girlfriend and he said no. But then he said something about that is part of the situation now. So in other words, "I'm not going to admit to having a gf so it can't be held against me".
She again stated that we need to talk and we need to constantly choose happy and peaceful over being right. She talked about egos again and doing the right thing for our DD. She is very spiritual and believes in positive and negative energy.
On the way home, I sent him a text asking if he wanted to talk. Because I thought we should while it was still fresh and we could finalize plans for telling DD. He said not right now, he was taking it all in. He said he didn't want to argue before it. I replied I didn't want to argue either and I don't want to hate each other anymore. He replied he didn't either. Hopefully that means we can put some of this anger and hatred aside which is physically and mentally draining.
We told DD last night. That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I know she understood, but she almost seemed like she didn't know what to say or do, kind of like when she gets embarrassed about something. My heart is breaking for her.
Next step, I have an appt with a lawyer next week. This lawyer was recommended by a judge, so I'm hoping that means he knows what he's doing. The secretary said I didn't need to bring anything but my questions. Any advice on what I should be asking, things you wish you had done or didn't do? I am just going for the consultation, I have no plans to retain at this point. Not quite sure where either of us are going to get the money for that, but I guess you find it, right?
