She wants to have the immediate future better defined for her sanity. She wants the roles defined.(what we will do, how we will act) I think b/c she is not used to me being confident. She did not bring it up tonight though. She normally needs to have a plan of how to continue.
She wants to feel secure. Next time she brings this up, ask her what she thinks would be an ideal M in relation to these areas. Then zip your lips shut and listen.
This could be a good sign:
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She said that she wanted to ML.
And I think you handled it well. In fact, it could have sent the message that you care enough not to jump on that offer at the first hint of it.
She seems like she's reaching out - her email last night and her wanting a plan/outline for how things are going to be. So, give her a platform to tell you what she wants. Ask open ended question to get her talking. Then ask an occasional question to keep her talking.
And, start reading "The Five Love Languages." It sounds like you guys have a problem communicating. That book will open your eyes and teach you how to communicate and listen better.
You mentioned that your W brought that book to you. Has she read it? Has she discussed it with you at all?
You mentioned that your W brought that book to you. Has she read it? Has she discussed it with you at all?
She hasn't said anything about it yet but I will make time to read it this week.
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It sounds like you guys have a problem communicating.
Yes. This is the first time that I feel like I have control of me. Upon reflecting some today I think that all of the other attempts of strengthening our M have been started by her and have been successful in the short term only. It always felt like another thing that I had to do. I also came to the realization that I have ownership this time. That is making a difference.
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
I also came to the realization that I have ownership this time. That is making a difference.
And you have to show her this through consistent action.
Read the book asap. It only takes a couple of nights. Once you read it, you will see there are 5 different LL's. You have one (maybe two) as does your W. The LL is the way you give and receive love. Unless your LL is the same as your W's, you too have been showing and needing love in two different "languages." You might as well have been speaking Spanish and your W mandarin Chinese.
After you read it, if the opportunity presents itself, talk to your W about it. Let her know you read it and ask her what she thought. If she's open about it, see if she'll take the quiz in it (unless she already has, in which case ask her what her LL is). Would be a good discussion.
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
Its been a few days. We had a conversation about the LL book. I brought it up to her one night this week and she was surprised. We talked about what our love languages were and the conv went well. Later on she said that she was testing me b/c she didn;t think that I had the time to read the whole book. When the conv went a little deeper she said she was surprised that I could talk on that level too. Yesterday we went to a writing day through Retrovaille. We wrote our story. It was hard facing up to the things that I did to her and how I treated her. I felt that she was being honest and I know that I was. We have a long drive back from Retro. and this is where I am looking for advice:
She started to tell me about how she was hurt in the past b/c of some of my actions. I did not want to rehash the past problems and she said that she wants to have closure. I tried to stay focus on my actions but I think that she wants to relive the past. We got into an argument but later we both apologized for not seeing each others POV.
How could I handle this differently?
Do we need to relive the past or should we be solution focused?
Things are looking up but I need to get some input on how to continue to work on me and also reconcile the relationship. (finding a balance)
Any advice?
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
She started to tell me about how she was hurt in the past b/c of some of my actions. I did not want to rehash the past problems and she said that she wants to have closure. I tried to stay focus on my actions but I think that she wants to relive the past. We got into an argument but later we both apologized for not seeing each others POV.
How could I handle this differently?
Do we need to relive the past or should we be solution focused?
Well, if she needs to be heard about the past, LISTEN AND VALIDATE. Be there for her because she needs to go there. You have every right to ask how she thinks this can help her have closure so you can understand better - but be willing to give her that closure she needs. Then take what she has told you and make new choices in the future. Use them to be solution focused.
That doesn't mean abandoning being solution focused. It means you can do both. She has a different way of processing your relationship so go on that path with her. Then it's time to let her know your path is being solution focused and moving ahead.
I am in a similar place, in that my H feels he needs to retell the past (and I don't even agree with his version) while I want to work on how to move forward in a new way. But I can't "make" him feel differently. I realized in MC that if looking back is how he needs to process things, then we will do it. But I won't abandon my belief that we can only make new choices today.
Can you see any benefit of going back? If not for yourself then for her? Once she has that off her chest, can you say, "ok, let's take the lessons learned and do better now"? How do you think she would take this?
You right that we need to have closure in that it will give me insight to why she needs it (insert listen, validating) and also allow her to come past the garbage of the old portion of our M.
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Can you see any benefit of going back? If not for yourself then for her? Once she has that off her chest, can you say, "ok, let's take the lessons learned and do better now"? How do you think she would take this?
I can see the benefit of going back for us. It will allow me more opportunity to listen and validate and she will be relieved that she can start to let go of it.
Thanks,
Will
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
Good. Then try your best to see things from her perspective. It's tough! But my H are just starting to do this. I will always push to have us learn and grow from past mistakes, but for now, he needs to go over past hurts.
Listen. It's like a meditation practice. I think it's the best gift we can give them.
