She started to tell me about how she was hurt in the past b/c of some of my actions. I did not want to rehash the past problems and she said that she wants to have closure. I tried to stay focus on my actions but I think that she wants to relive the past. We got into an argument but later we both apologized for not seeing each others POV.
How could I handle this differently?
Do we need to relive the past or should we be solution focused?
Well, if she needs to be heard about the past, LISTEN AND VALIDATE. Be there for her because she needs to go there. You have every right to ask how she thinks this can help her have closure so you can understand better - but be willing to give her that closure she needs. Then take what she has told you and make new choices in the future. Use them to be solution focused.
That doesn't mean abandoning being solution focused. It means you can do both. She has a different way of processing your relationship so go on that path with her. Then it's time to let her know your path is being solution focused and moving ahead.
I am in a similar place, in that my H feels he needs to retell the past (and I don't even agree with his version) while I want to work on how to move forward in a new way. But I can't "make" him feel differently. I realized in MC that if looking back is how he needs to process things, then we will do it. But I won't abandon my belief that we can only make new choices today.
Can you see any benefit of going back? If not for yourself then for her? Once she has that off her chest, can you say, "ok, let's take the lessons learned and do better now"? How do you think she would take this?
